The Central Texian. (Anderson, Tex.), Vol. 3, No. 37, Ed. 1 Saturday, February 14, 1857 Page: 1 of 4
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by r. a. van horn.
ir2ifsk3ekt on all
ít8—ksstkál on hons."
terms—$3 00 in advance.
VOL. 3.
ANDERSON, GRIMES COUNTY, TEXAS, FEBUARY 14, 1857.
NO. 37.
"I Love my Love" the Tear Round.
I love my Love in the days of spring.
And for her sake each living thing;
We gather garlands by the way,
We pluck the blossoms of the merry May,
We roam the woods, we trace the streams,
Our waking thoughts are bright as dreams :
No bee on the blossom, no lark in the sky,
Is happier than my Love aad I.
I'll love my Love in the summer time,
Oar years shall ripen to their prime;
We'll sit in the shade a little more,
Beneath the elm trees at the door;
We'll watch with joy the children run,
We'll Rive the world our benison ;
No bird in its nest, on the tree-top high,
Shall be so blithe as my Love and I!
FU-love my Love in the autumn eves,
1CTK gather in our barley sheaves;
We'll reap our corn, we'll press our vine,
We'll heai on the hills our lowing klne;
We'll pluck our peaches from the wall,
We'll gi*e our friends a festival:
There i# o iey the world can buy,
at we shall not share, my Lave and I.
W
^
ary Ule of life be TOtdFf "
I sit together by the hearth,
Spectators of a younger mirth,
And as the children come anil go,
We'll dwell in light where their laces glow,
We'll live in love, and loving die,
And still live on, my Love and I!
X Wish Be Would Make up His Mind.
I wish he would make up his mind, ma,
For I don't care much longer to wait:
I'm sure I have hinted quite strongly
That*I thought about changing my state:
; For a sweetheart he's really so backward,
■ I can't bring him on though I try,
own he's very good tempered,
But then he's so dreadfully shy!
When I speak about love and a cottage,
He gives me a glance of surprise,
And ií I but hint about marriage,
He blushes quite up to hi eyes!
I can't make him jealous—I've tried it,
And 'tis uo use my being unkind,
For that's not the way, I am certain,
To get him to make up his mind.
I've sung him love sonnets by dozen;.
I've worked him both slippers and hose,
And we walked out by moonlight together,
Yet he never attempts to propose!
You really must ask his intentions,
Or some other beau I must find:
For, indeed, I won't tarry much longer,
Foj; on who can't make his mind.
Sut Lovegood's Daddy Acting Horse.
••.Hold that ero hoss down to the yearth,''
•' He's a spread i u' liis tail to tly now."
«' Keep him whar he is." •« Woa," " Won,
Shavetail." n He's a dancing a jig."
These and like expressions were addressed
to a queer looking, long-legged, short-
bodied, small-headed, white-haired, hog
p. eyeG, funny sort of a genius, tresh from
some bench legged Jew's clothing store, and
«■ *royu?e<l on " Tarpoke," a nick tnilrd, long
poor horse, half-brandy, half-devil, and en-
veloped all over in a perfect net work of
blidle reins, cruppers, martingels, simp,
circingles, and red feretin, who iird reined
up in front of Pat Nack's grocery, among
a crowd of wild mountaineers, full of figh:
and mean whisky.
" I say, you durned ash cats, jist keep
yer shirts on. will ye ? You never seed a
rale hoss till I rid up. Tarpoke is jist next
to the best hoss that ever shelled nubbins,
and he's dead as a still worm, poor old
Ticky-tail."
" What killed him Sut ?" said an anxious
inquirer.
« Why, nuthih, you tamed fool, he jist
died so, died a standing up, at that—warn'i
that good pluck ? Froze stiff; no not that
adzactly, but starved fust, and then froze
afterwards, so stiff that when dad an' me
pushed him over, he jtst struck out so
like a carpenter's bench, (spreadin his
• arms and legs,) and we waited seventeen
days for him to thaw afore we could skin
him. Well, thar we was—Dad an'me—
(counting his fingers,) Dad an' me, an' Sal!
an' Jake, (Fool Jake we used to call him
for .short,) an' Phineas, an' Simeon, an'
Jon**. an' Charloteeau' an' me, an' Callune
Jane, an* an* Cashtis Henry Clay, an'
Noah Dan Webster, an' me an'tlie twinu
gals, an' Catharine Second, an' Cleopatry
Antony* an'Jane Lind, an' Tom Bullion,
an* the baby, an' the prospect, an' mam
herself left without urry hoss to crap with.
That was a nice mess for a spectable family
to he slashin* about in, warn't it ? 1 be
durned if I did'nt feel like stealing a hoss
sometimes. Well we wailed an' rested, an'
waited until well into strawberry time,
hopiu' some stray hoss mout come along,
but dog my cats ef euy sich luck as that
ever comes whar dad is, he's so dratted
mean, au' lazy, an' ugly, au' savage, au'
triflin.
•• Well, one nite, dad he lay awake all
nite, a snort i u' an' a rollin' an' a whisper-
in' at mam, aud next mornin' sez he, Sut,
I'll tell you what we'll do; I'll he hoss my-
self, an' pull the plough, while you drive
me, an' we'll brake up corn ground, an'
then the old quilt (that's mam) an' the brats
kin plant it or let it alone, jist as they
d—n please.
" So out we goes to the pawpaw thicket
an* pealed a right smart chance of bark,
an' mam and me made geers for dad, an'
they becum him mightily : then he would
have a bridle, so I gits an old umbrella
what I fouud—its a little forked piece of
iron, sorter untu a bridle bit, small shape
(dad wanted it kurb, as he sed he had n't
worked for some time an' might sorter feci
his oats an' go to cavertin.) Well, when
we got the bridle all fixed on dad, he
chomped the bit like a rale hoss, (he always
was a most complicated durned old fool,
eny how, and mam allers sed so when lie
warn't about,) then I put on the geers an'
out dad au' me goes to the field, I a leading
dad by the bridle, an' totin' the gopher
plough on my back. When we cum to the
fence,*! let down the gap aud made dad
mad, he wanted to jump the fence on all
fours, hoss way. I hitcned him onto the
gopher, and away we went, dad leanin'
forward to his puilin' right pear', an' we
made sharp plowiu', dad going rite over the
bushes an' sprouts same as a rale hoss, the
ouly difference is he went on two legs.
Presently we cum to a sasafrac patch, an'
dad, to keep up his karacter as a hoss,
bulved square into it, an' tore down a
hornets nest nigh onto as big as a hoss'
head, and all the tribe kivered him rite
strate. lie rared and kicked once or twice,
and fotched a squeel wos nor ary hoss in
the district, and sot into runuin' away, jist
as natural as ever you seed. I let go the
lines aud hollered woa dad, woa ! but you
mout as well said woa to a locomotive
Gewhilikins how be run! When he cuín
to a bush, he'd clear the top of it, gopher
and all; 'praps he thought there mout be
another settlement ov bald homers in it, and
that it war "safer to go over than thrue, and
quicker dou&fc g.'id ^he^Ju^
pa'w one
leg then. then he'd gin himself au
upenhañílftí Map, that sounded like a wagon-
whip,-an' a runuin all the time; and ¿ar-
rien that gopher jist about as fast and high
from the yearth as ever a gopher was kai-
ried. I swar. When he cnin to the fence
he busted rite thrue it, taring nigh onto
seven panels, scatterin' aud brakin' the
rails nútily, and here he left gopher, geers,
singletree, and klevis, all mixed up, uot
worth a durn. Mos of his shirt stuck on
the splintered end of a broken rale, an'
nigh onto a pint of hornets staid with the
shirt, a stingiu' it all over, the bilance on
'em, about a galou and a half, kept oil with
dad. He seemed to run. jist adzactly a*
fast as a hornet could fiy, for it war ihe
tightest race 1 ever did see. Down thrue
the sedge grass they all went, the hornets
ma kin' it look sorter like a smoke all
around dad's !>a!d head, and he with nuthiu
on but the bridle and nigh onto a yard of
plough linea sailing behind him.
I seed now that he was aiming fur the
swimming hole in the kreek, whar the bluff
is over twenty-five feet p .pendickulnr to
the water, ami hits nigh onto ten feet deep.
To keep up his karacter as a hoss, when he
got to the blui; he jist leaped"off, or rather
lie jist kept on running. Ker.-lungo into the
kreek he went ; I seed the water lis' plum
above the bluff from whar I was. Now,
rite thar, boys, lie overdid the thing, ifTliat
was what be was arter, for there is nary
hoss ever folded durned fool enough to leap
over such a place: a cussed mule mout
have done it, but dad warn't acting mule.
I crept up to the edge and looked over;
thar was old «lad's bald I ead, for all the
yemth like a lie'ei nuiou^a bolung up and
down, and ihouorueis asaiUug Hint r cir-
cling around, turkey buzzard fashion, and
every once in a while one, and sometimes
ten, 'ud make a dip at dad's lied. He kept
up a rite perte dodging under, eumtimes
they'd hit him, and sumethne arter, the
water was kivered with drowned hornets.
What on yearth are you doing thar, dad?
tez I. ' Don't (dip) you see these infernal
varment' (dip) arter ine V ' What,' sez I,
' them are hoss fiy a thar—ye aint really
aferd of them, are ye ?' ' IIoss fies, It—II V
sez dad ; ' they are rale (dip) genuine bald
hornets, you (dip) infernal cuss,' ' Well,
dad, you'll have to stay thar till nite, and
Kiss or Fight.
An exchange tells a story of a country
party, thus :
A stalwart young rustic, who was known
as a formidably operator in a "free fight,"
had just married a blooming and beautiful
country girl, ouly sixteen years of age* and
the twain were at a party where a number
of young folks of both sexes were enjoying
themselves in the good old fashioned pawn-
playing style. Every girl in the room was
called out and k ssed except Mrs. B., the
beautiful bride aforesaid, and although there
was not a youngster present who was not
dying to taste her lips, tliev were restrained
by the presence of her herculean husband,
who stood regarding the party with a look
of sullen d¡ssat¡£icii&. They mistook tlie
cause of his anger, However, for, suddenly
rolling up his sleeves, he steppíjJ lib
tmjddle of the toom Tí a tone'uT voice
fjiaf at once secured marked attention, Le.
.said; u. .
oretmcTÍTen, T nave been noticing how
things have been working h-^re for some-
time, and I ain't half satisfied ; J don't
want to raise a fuss, bn—" " What's the
matter John ?" inquired a half a dozen
voices. " What do you mean 1 Have we
done, anything to hurt your feelings ?"
St Yes, you haxe; all of you have hurt my
feelings, and i've just this to say about it:
Here's every gal in the room been kissed
mighty nigh a dozen times apiece, and
there's my wife, who I consider as good
looking as any of 'em, has not had a single'
one to-night; and I just tell you mow, if
she don't get as many Kissed the balance of
the time as any gal in the room, ihe man
that slights her has got me to fight—that's
all. Now go ahead with youi plays!" If
Mrs. 13. was slighted during the balance of
the evening we did uot know it. As for
ourselves, we know that John had no fau't
to find with us individually, for any neglect
on our part.
A "og Story.
The Search Warrant.
There lived not many years ago, a wicked
wight, whose name was Joe. Though very
poor, he,cschewed labor, and lived by filch-
ing from his neighbors. At length his
neighbors thought-—though at it he was
never caught—he'd take, if he could get a
chance, whatever fell beneath his glance ;
and when a farmer missed a hoe or axe,
'Lwas laid to Joe. In fact, they made him,
with impunity, a scape-goat for the whole
community.
In the same neighborhood there dwelt
au old Dutch farmer, named Van Pelt,
Aihose wealth enabled him to keep largo
Inrds of cattle and sheep, and often he
boasted of the latter; no sheep than his
were fatter. Our worthy farmer, though
•no glutton, was partial to fat chops of mut-
t.*.-'.]. One day he labored hard and long,
itoid, like the nightingale in song, began to
e sáííte*the keen demnuds¿íf
"tili night—and hieing forth, he thought to
slay his fattest sheep without delay. He
arrived at the field, which he supposed,«11
safe and snug his flock enclosed; but
though the rest were on the ground, the
fattest one could not be found. The field
Ons V7ho Died "Without Living.
Mr. Paul Legrand, who died at Dijon,
Burgundy, at the age of seventy, leaves the
following memoir, whereby he proves he
had not lived:
All that is suffering, sorrow, ennui, des
pair, desire, regret, should be deducted
from life, because we should ourselves have
deducted it, had heaven permitted. When
three years old I was weaued; at six I could
speak badly; at seven I spi t my skull; at
nine I was cured. I must,v therefore, ex-
trae', dine years from my existence; for
surely to dring a nurse's sour milk, not to
speak, or badly, and to split one's skull, is
not living. At the age ol nine I began my
studies. Owing to my cracked skull, my
head was a soft one, and I proved stubborn
to tuition. I required two years' labor to
spell the alphabet. I was.indebted to let-
ter Z alone for about fourscore hundred
lashes; the other tfl$nty-thr<
a complete martyr oí me. ^
At the ?¡ge of twelve 1 could read, but
my body was mangled with alphabet scars.
An attempt was made to teach me Latin,
andT lost my French in the experiment.—
At fifteen I knew-nothing at" all, anda
forced diet of bread and water had reduced
produced in grass and clover a full supply, me to the condition of a skeleton. Six
We stepped into the telegraph office,in
Portland, Ohio, soon after it was established;
fjrtimntelv, just in the nick of time to wit-
ness the following scene.
While the operator was explaining to us
the mysterious workings of the galvanic
current, the modus operandi of its applica-
tion in transmitting intelligence between -, •> - . ^ , , ,• , ,
, = . =, , • , vAiile in her eve the teardrop «listened,
distant places, a tal , parttcu at v ungainly h® -, , , , , i
! . 'J, - „ . - i Her pride was touched, her color rose, car-
sneeimen of the genus homo stalked into: . • ,• , i , i , ,
' a ¡on tinged her cheek and nose, as she
.expressed in tones of thunder, her indigi a-
i) as moreover encircled by a high rail
levee—too high for sheep to scale—and
Fence lie argued, " there can be uo doubt
a>me hungry thief has been about." Eaeh
(fircumstauce proclaimed it_ so, and who
(jould steal a sheep, but Joe ?
f,"It was he, I'm sure, I'll bet mv life on
it," and he went home'and told his wife on it.
Next day, he to the squire repaired, and
with a solemn oath declared his full belief
that Joe had got the sheep concealed about
lis cot.
( '"To prove his guilt, dear sir, I wish you
would instantly a warrant issue, and the
tuslalle and I together, will search Joe's
t for my wether."
The magistrate at once complied, and
«th the catch pole at his side, Van Pelt set
i ;h. They reached the spot, a tiny look-
ing rough built cot, and rudely entered
without knocking. Joe's wife sat darning
an old stocking, her foot meanwhile the
era lie rocking. The officer, in a surly toue,
nfule at once his business knowu.
the oiiice. He was a muscular, brawny
fellow, of the species Pike, and, to judge by
his brusque manners and uncouth appear-
ance, had always dwelt on the frontier, or
and her wonder.
"it is to search my house then, is it, that
T* > ii).]iikfi>.l fnr tliic rleli 3 V.™
years more had therefore to be deducted.
At sixteen my father made me a notary's
clerk. There commenced a new series of
martyrdom. I got up at six, swept the
office, lighted the stove, was drubbed by
the ta:ler clerks, and my father, over-
whelmed with complaints about me, de-
prived me of my dinner. This life I led
for five years, anu from life I will positively
deduct them.
At twenty my father, quite disgusted
with' his son, put me on board a ship at
Cherbourg. I washed the de.-ks, climbed
up the topmast, ír.euded the sails, and re-
ceived thirty lashes a day upon mv back,
This was endured for four years. At
twenty-four my father made me a haber-
dasher. I married Mademoiselle Ursule
Devousins, a turner's daughter; her por-
tion consisted of 30.000 livres, mortgaged
upon a sugar estate in St. Domingo. The
day alter the wedding I found that my wife
had a wooden leg, made by my father-in-
law, the turner. The poor woman made a
tattered that I looked like Lazarus. This
gave me rather a distaste for English so-
ciety, so the next morning I set sail for
America. Six weeks after, I landed at
Washington. The first person I met after
entering the city was Q."
"Q !—what Q ?" *
"Why, that old Federalist, Quincy
Adams, ne wanted me to play nine-pins
with him. I did so, and won two hundred
dollars at two shillings a game, and then
had a row."
"About what ?"
' He wanted to pay me off in Continental
money, worth a shilling a peck. I got
angry, and knocked him into a spittoon.
While I still had him down, Jim came in
and dragged me off to the White House."
"What Jim!"
"Why, Jim Madison. I went and j:
euchre for two hour , when Tom
and insisted that I should
biqa."'
"Wlíat TtufT ^
"Why, Tom Jefferson. Jim, however,
would not listen toit, an<4 the consequence -
was that they went in to fight. In the
midst of it they fell over the bannisters and
dropped about fifty feet. When I left they
were giving each other "fits" iu the coal
cellar. How it terminated I never could
learn, as just then Martha ran in and I said
I must accompany her to Mount Vernon
to see George." - %
"What Martha?" 'm
"Martha Wafhington, wife to George
Washington, the old boy that gave Jessy
to the bloody Hessians."
About here, Coombs said the stranger
began to discover that he was swallowing
things. The next stage that came aleng
he took passage for an adjacent town. The
Major, we believe, is still living, and still
insists that- the wolloping he gave George
Rex is "the greatest and best thing on re*
cord."
t
'• Runs from here to Daytou . - , A. c , ,
u Yes'' i can t be satisfied, until you ve rummaged
<i h t i . . • i. . • f Í far and wide, proceed at once as quick as
' uood: I have aot a right smart job for . , 1 ^ .
T , . . ^ J marhfl arm non r wíi.rft nn mr nnnr sick*
ye. 1 iett Hiere afore sua up this morning
in such an all-fired splutter that I clean for-
got my dog at the tavern. ' He's a mighty
powerful good dog, stranger, 1 tell ye—a
cross between a Newfoundland and a regu-
lar bull—smart as a mountain cat, and
stout as a grizzled bar. He ken whip hi.i
heft in wild cats every day, and is wutlj
hi-u-chickumin to hunt iiijuns, and that's
arter they go to roost, you come home and !ÍUat l'ie I''ace where I m gwine. Now, I
I'll feed you. I sorter think ye won't need
any currien for a week or so.' • I wish 1
may never see to-morrow (dip) if I don't
ruinate you. (dip) when 1 get out,' stz dad.
1 Better say you may never see another bald
hornet, if you ever play boss agin,' sez I
Aud knowing dad's unmodified nature, I
broke from them parts and sortur cntn to
the copper mines. I staid hid out till the
next arteruoon, when I seed a feller travlin'
and sez I : ' What was going on at the
kabin this side of the kreek when you passed
it'." 'Why, nothing much, only a man
was setiu' in his doo< with nara shirt on an'
a woman was greasing his back and arms
and his head was about as big as a ten
galou keg, and he had n't the first sign of
an eye—all smoothe ' 1 That man was my
dad.' 'Been much fighting in this neigh-
borhood lately,' sez the traveler, rather dry-
ly. ' None worth speaking of personally or
particularly,' sez i. Now boys, I hain't
seed dad since, and will be feered to meet
him iu the next ten years. Let's drink."
And the last we saw of Sut he was
stooping to get in tlij dogery door, with a
mighty mixed crowd at his heels.
An Eastern editor says that a man in
New York got himself iu trouble for marry-
ing two wires.
A Western editor replies by assuring liis
cotemporary that a good many men in that
section have done the same thing by marry-
ing one.
A Northern editor reports that quite a
number of his acquaintances found trouble
by barely promising to marry, without go-
ing any further.
A. Southern editor says that a friend of
hi* was bothered etieugh by simply being
found in company w ith another man's wife.
An outside editor says he got in trouble
for looking at another man's wife a little
cock-eyed.
" Nothing, sir, as you have failed to get
The 1 urkish ¿soldier, lie marches to the right animal," replied the operator, who
■meet the toe wi'h the same nonchalance as.'joined us iu an uproarous burst of merri-
! he smokes his pipe. He is taught from his j ,lient, as Pike left the office, swearing lie
| birth that the moment of his death is fixed, j was "gwine up to Dayton, to scalp that
and that a whole charge of artillery aimed dog-rotted, dog-stealing tavern keeper?"
'at his heart would miss him if destiny had ::
decreed his time not come, lie is taught "Ma," said a little urchin. Deeping from
also that he will go straightway to paradise beneath the bed-clothes, "1 am cold; I want
the moment of his death; with both of some cover on the bed." "Lie still, my
these ideas he is so fully impressed that no idear," said the mother, "until your sister
danger moves him, aad he lies on his death- j comes from chuach; she has got the com-
bed as calmly as on a bed for sleep. 1 forter for a crinoline,''
want you to telegraft him down here in
double quick meter, for the steamboat is
gwine to leave in an hour, and I wouldn't
lose the critter for a heap."
We observed a comical expression flit
over the operator's countenance as he pre
tended to note down a description of the
missing, quadruped, and answered " all
right, sir," to an assurance on the part oí
the excited customer that he would drap in
after the dog in half an hour.
When he returned, the first object that
attracted his attention was a stump-'ailed
pug of the the most diminutive proportions,
which was tied to the leg of the operating
table, aud saluted him as he entered, with a
shrill bow, wow, wow !
" You are just in time, sir. Here is your
dog, all O. K. Ouly a little out of breath,
owing to the rapiJiiy of his journey," said
the operator.
" Where ?" interrogated Pike, striking an
attitude expressive of astonishment which
was too pregnant for words.
4i Here, sir, tied to the table "
" W-h a-t! taat teeny sprinklin' uv fizzle
hair, tny dog ? You don't mean to say tint
that there nod-darued, short-legged, little
squint-eyed, lop-eared, mangy beast is my
dog ? No, sir ; that aiut my dog. Mine
is the best dog iu Oregon—a walopiu' big
su-pleuded animal—reg'lar beauty—a two
hundred pounder, sir ! Phew ! Cuss a
snake !"
' At this point, the speaker having ex-
hausted his vocabulary, stopped to take
breath.
" Very singular—extraordinary singular,
I may say. lias your correspondent made
a mistake aud forwarded the wrong animal .'"
'• Mistake be cussed! Its a reg'lar
swindle, sir. That blasted tavern keeper up
thar has stoic my dog, 'an' sent me this in-
fernal runt iu his place. What's the daui
maybe, and don't wake up my poor sick
baby." Then came a flood of tears, and
th^n more reconciled, she sang, or rather
sobbed, a ditty to her child.
! Woman's threats are vain; her tears
1 have potency to move the spheres. So
thought Van Pelt, whose heart was pained
to see them flow all unrestrained. To
leave his comrade in the lurch alone to
prosecute his search, strongly at first he
felt inclined. He soon, however, changed
his mind, concluding it would be better to
guard the lady, aud not let her by the con-
stable be a''Used, who, being to such scenes
more used, seemed by her grief somewhat
amused.
Around now they began to pry, search-
ing the house with careful eye. The pantry
first, turning the button, they looked within
but found no mutton ; and then cellar, gar-
ret, hall, bed-room, wood-shed, oven and
all. Their search, however, proved in vain,
aud they retraced their steps again, sure
that the place did not contain the missing
sheep alive or slain.
With head thrust through a broken
light, the woman watched them out of
sight. Then stepping to the cradle took,
and straightway hung upon a hook, a well
dressed sheep, as fat and fine as ever tempt-
ed man to dine.
Joe soon came in, and she related how
nicely she the men had cheated—how,
when she saw their steps directed towards
the house, their plan suspected; so, run-
ning to the pantry shelf, where Joe had
put the meat himself-—for he the night be-
fore had taken it home, and slyly laid it—
she clapped a night-cap on the sheep, and
laid it down as it' to sleep within the cra-
dle, where its form she covered up to keep
it warm, and rocked and sang to keep it
quiet, supposing they would not come nigh
it.
This did old Joe's tenderness awaken ;
she saved his muttou and his bacon, and
proved herself a help quite meet for one
who stole the food he'd eat. So up he
stepped and fondly kissed her, until she
thought he'd raise a blister, and prized her
as the best receipt he'd ever found to keej)
fresh meat.
\\ it'a much surprise the woman listened^thousand apologies for her infirmitv, and I
pardoned her out of regard to her marriage
portion. Tiie St. Domingo blacks rose
against the whites, burnt the marriage por-
tion, and the wooden leg was all that was
left to me.
At thirty I lost my wife in consequence
of a scrofulous disease. I spent six years
repenting every minute. I
duct these six vear* from mv
twentyafOTrr hCWI 6f "steep, -
the right reckoning, for I
—eper. A year lost, addiug
minute to minute, in searching for the keys
of my desk, which I was constantly mis-
laying. Does one live when one looks for
a key ? Three years lost in having my-
self shaved, powdered, etc.; five years in
suffering tooth-ache, inflammation of the
chest, with relapses and convalescence.
Three years lost in saying "what o'clock ?
we have bad weather to-day; how d'ye do?
how is your lady ? I have a bad cold. Mal-
borough s'en va t'en guerre—what mud in
the street—v hat a winter this year." Six
months lost in having the mud brushed off
one, and six in brushing one's hat. One
year of endurance of the entire acts of the
theater. One year lost in listening to the
modern dramas, the chef d'eeuvre of genius
not understood. One year lost in complain-
ing of salt and tasteless soups, of cutlets too
much or too undone, and of the indigestion
of hard eggs. Total, seventy-one years.—
I bes; leave to declare that in giving up the
ghost, I do not give up anything worth
keeping.
Humor and Wit.
The fellow who dammed up the Missis"
sippi with a chip, has been sent for to cure
the cancer at the tropic.
Men of the noblest disposition always
consider themselves happiest when others
share their happiness with them.
An editor in Arkansas was lately shot in
an affray. Luckily the ball came against
a buudle of unpaid accounts in his pocket.
Gunpowder could not get through that!
"My dear sir," said a candidate, accosting
a stuidy wag on the day of election, "I am
glad to see you." "You need not be—I
have voted." Mr
In the campaign of'44 Henry Clay was
the Whig candidate. A Liberty party mau
making a speech somewhere in New Hamp-
shire, objected very strongly to the gallant
Iventnckian ou the ground of his being a
duellist. This done, he began to glorifv
his o.rn party as small in numbers, but des-
tined to achieve groat th ugs, lie com-
pared it to David going forth with sling
and stones to combat with the gigantic
Goliath. Piling up the eloqueuce, he
reached the climax at last, and cried out:
"And then, and then fellow-citizens, what
did David do ?" "Fit a duel, sir," came iu
íhrill tones from one of the asssembly.
A «'Blower."
There is no denying that there is a class
of individuals who seem to think that there
is nothing iu life so desirable as being in-
timately acquainted with prominent public
characters. We have read of many such,
but Maj. Luckey, as described in the fol-
lowing, is most decidedly just a "huckle-
berry above the persimmon" of many of
them.
Whenever the Major has a stranger in
the neighborhood, lie opens wide and
"spreads himself," and with a success that
leaves us nothing to desire. The following
si-ene took place between the Major and
Colonel, "late arrival" from Vermont.
"Major, I understand from Gen. Coombs
that shortly after the revolution you visited
England. How did you like the jaunt?"
"Capitally! 1 had'nt been in Loudon
live hours beforo Rex sent for me to play
w hist, and a deuced oi a time we had of it.'
"Rex !—what Rex!"
"Why, Rex the King—George the Third.
The game came oft at Windsor Castle, Rex
aud 1 playing against Billy Pitt and Ned
Burke, and resulted rather comically."
"How so ?"
"As we were playing the last game, Rex
said, iu rather a familiar manner, "Major,
I suppose vou are acquainted with Charles
Washington, are you not?"
"No, "sir-ee," said I, "I am not—but 1
tell you whom 1 am acquainted with —
George Washington, the Father of his
Country."
"Father of rebels!"' says he. "He was a
cursed rebel, aud had 1 served him right,
would have hung him long ago."
"This, of course, riled me to lhat degree
that I just drew back and gave him a blow
between the eyes, that felled Iiim like a
bullock. The next moment Burke and Pitt
mounted me, and in less than ten minutes
my shirt and breeches were so torn and
Hook*. *M «uvmt
some fancy, run to thy books; they pre-
sently fix thee to them,.and drive the other
out of thy thoughts. They always receive
thee with the same kindness.
"Ah ! my dear fellow," said an old man
once to his friend, "I am quite weak and
broken down with age. I used to walk
entirely around the park every day; but
now I can walk only half way round and
back again.
" 'Tintion !" exclaimed an Irish sergeant
to his platooD. "Front face, And tind to
rowl call! As many of ye as is prisint will
say 'Here!' and as many of ye as is not
prisint will say ' Absent!'
There is a man out West so forgetful of
faces, that his wife is compelled to keep a
wafer stuck on the end of her nose, that he
may distinguish her from other ladies, but
this does not prevent him from making
occasional mistakes.
By constant temperance, habitual moder-
ate exercise, unaffected modesty, you will
avoid the fees of the lawyer, the claws of
the sheriff and the poison of the doctor;
and probably add to your present existence •
at least ten years of active life.
A "foine" young gentleman, turning^
swiftly on his heel, ran his head against a
young lady. He instantly put himself in a
position to apologize. "Not a word," said
the quick witted maiden, "it is'nt hard
enough to hurt anybonv." The coxcomb
frowned and sloped.
"Come here, my little Eddy," said a gen-
tleman to a younggter seven years of age,
while sitting in the parlor where a large
coinoany was assembled; "do you knojv
me!'' "Yes, sir, I think I do." "Who am
I ? let me hear." "You are the man who
kissed sister Argeline last night iu the par-
lor." Angeline fainted.
Peter Cunningham was once telling be-
fore Douglas Jerrold of a strange dish he
had just dined upon. "Such a dish! no-
body could guess it."
líe, of course, provoked the query,
"What was it?"
"Calves' tails," said Peter.
"Extremes meet!" exclaimed Jerrold.
'•You say, Mr. Jaycox, that you saw the
plaintiff leave the house. Was it in haste!"
"Yes, sir".
"Do you know what caused that haste!"
"I'm no quite certain—but 1 think it was
Mr. Stubbs' boot, the gentleman he boards
with."
"That will do, Mr. Jaycox. Clerk, call
the next witness."
Borriboola Gha.—John Adams was at
one time asked by some one to contribute a
to foreign missions, when he abruptly
answered: " I will gladly give for that
purpose, but there are here iu the viciiiity
six ministers, not one of whom will preach
iu each other's pulpit; now, I will con-
tribute as much aud more than any one els#
to civilize these six clergymen."
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Hepperla, John C. The Central Texian. (Anderson, Tex.), Vol. 3, No. 37, Ed. 1 Saturday, February 14, 1857, newspaper, February 14, 1857; Anderson, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth181134/m1/1/: accessed April 24, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting The Dolph Briscoe Center for American History.