The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 66, No. 30.5, Ed. 1 Saturday, April 1, 1978 Page: 5 of 8
eight pages : ill. ; page 20 x 14 in.View a full description of this newspaper.
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Morons, Hoverivomen help fill society page
\
STUPID PEOPLE-Shah Cam El
Aswan Dami recently spent a few
days in our little oil oasis, drawing
attention from the Asstroworld crowds
as he rode the Cyclone standing up, his
sheet flapping in the breeze. When
asked about the Middle East situation,
Dami replied, "Very bad. Sand get in
everything, ruin seat covers in Caddy.
Make Mohammed suction cup statue
on dash fall down and roll under front
seat. Real bitch to get back out." That
Shah is a real card now that he's
dumped all those Iranian bimbos on
UH. * Police chief Larry Baldwell
really broke up the house at Barrell's
Ice Cream Parlor in the Gonorrhea as
he ordered a Trough and ate the whole
thing himself. When the waitress
awarded him with the traditional I
made a pig out of myself at Barrell's
ribbon, he jokingly offered to drown
her in a Root Beer Bayou, the latest
nutsy treat at that crazy place. * Hover
hostess June Laroo held a bash on
her and hubby Kang's luxury yacht the
other night. Wearing a breezy dress
made out of gauze pads, she surprised
everybody by steering up the Houston
Ship Channel. For party games they
launched bottle rockets at the grain
elevators while Kang cheated on June
below deck with one of the other wives.
Thataway, Kang! June always was a
bitch.
BIG SNOTS—Okay, gang, let's hear
rt for Channel 2 executiveBill Tingle.
He's the one who decided to ax Monty
Python and replace it with the
unfunny trash they've got on now.
Marge
Scumraker
lit •'- :' ft/**
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-■"it
Well, we don't have to put up with this,
no we don't. Tingle's phone number is
listed, and his address is 4218
Braesraeyer Meadowlane. Why don't
you let him know just how
unacceptable a big snot he is?
DUM DUM GANG—Ex-mayor
Phred Golfmines has been a busy
little bee lately hopping between law
offices in preparation for all the
slander and libel suits he has in the
works. Well, we at the Pest sympathize
with him completely, and will stand
behind him until he drives that
wretched, distorted evening rag out of
business. They practically came right
out and called him a fag; I mean,
there's hinting, and then there's doing
everything but. It may come to you
when you've got time to read it, but
only if you can find it in the bushes or
retrieve it off the roof, they're such
lousy shots. The lower middle class
family that delivers in our
neighborhood uses a surplus grenade
launcher from the tailgate of a
suburban station wagon. Quite a
shoddy operation actually.
IS
X ''
Tf
Dolph and Shovel
—Pest photo by Manual Chevy
OUR SATURDAY photo stars are
none other than Texas governor
Dolph Crisco and some no-names
from McDonald's. Having just been
presented with a brand new shovel
from the burger biggies, Crisco shakes
the hand of the minority person in the
gaudy white tie while pretending to be
pleased with his gift. The person
behind the little tree is a Negro. He
drives Mr. Crisco around, and will
probably be the one who has to keep the
shovel shined.
BLENDERS AND SHAKERS-Pop
singer Dubby Goon, daughter of milk-
drinking dad Fat Goon, spilled the
beans about her caffeine addiction
while in town a while back. "It got so
bad, at 15 I was sneaking sips of Coke
from a ffeine flask hidden in my
training bra at Bible school. By the
time I turned to Jesus, I was eating
coffee beans straight." Though
Dubby's kicked the habit, she still likes
to press the buttons on Coke machines
and fondle the empty bottles she finds
along the roadways.
HOVERWOMEN
No two women are alike. We at Sakotwitz realize
this, which is why our Spring line includes a full
wardrobe selection for those special women
who don't buy hose, wear shoes, or bother with
legs at all. For they are Hoverwomen, that rare
breed of female constantly on the go, but not on
the ground. They get their hair done at Patsy's,
where the dryers are adjustable. At cocktail
parties the guests admire how they billow
eighteen inches above the carpet while serving
drinks with perfect posture. People on the street
turn and stare whenever they glide by. We at
Sakotwitz like to think that our specially
designed line of hover fashions help turn a few
heads. Hoverwear Fashion Salons, all stores. For
those lovely ladies who make every staircase an
escalator.
From I. Magnin Air Apparel, our Easter Resurrection
Outfit, with whirlybird belt and benday pastel-effect
shadow tape. In polyester/monochrome blend for
most sizes and speeds. 192.00. Butterfly and little tree
not included.
Styrofoam-trimmed jacket and kangaroo skirt for
those flat-chested yet feminine types missing part of
their hair outline. Sizes concave to petit. With
pockets. 154.00.
n
u
SHOP LATE TONIGHT 'TIL 7:54. AFTER THAT GET LOCKED IN FOR THE WEEKEND.
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Parker, Philip. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 66, No. 30.5, Ed. 1 Saturday, April 1, 1978, newspaper, April 1, 1978; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245368/m1/5/: accessed April 24, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.