The Optimist (Abilene, Tex.), Ed. 1, Thursday, April 1, 1982 Page: 1 of 8

the Pessimist
Thursday April 1 1 982
Abilene Christian University
Special Issue Free
SA up in arms
at lack of page
Has Been
The Students' Association has
discovered yet another page missing from
its constitution SA president Bart Castle
tearfully announced Monday.
"It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's
not my fault" said Chris Tharrington SA
constitutional revision chairman.
"Anyway I don't think it is."
Castle his eyes rolling heavenward told
the Student Senate that page 6 of the
constitution probably was lost at the same
time that page 5 was misplaced. However
he said that while the Optimist bailed out
the Senate earlier in the semester by
supplying a copy of the constitution con-
taining page 5 the Pessimist editor had
refused to show him a copy of page 6.
Instead Castle said the Pessimist
editor told him he planned to write an
editorial about the incident entitled
"Nyaah nyaah nyaah!"
"And since no Senate members have
read the constitution all the way through
we have no way of knowing what page 6
says" Castle said.
One Senate member who asked to
remain anonymous (although his initials
are J.B.) suggested that the Senate make
up a new sixth page. "No one would know
the difference" he said.
"But we would know" said junior
senator Mark Edge.
"Well some of us would know" replied
Boyd (uh that is tosay J.B.).
Several Senate members ventured
opinions as to what the missing sixth page
"As far as I can remember that's the
page that gives the Senate absolute veto
power over new social clubs" said junior
senator Larry Nelson.
Sophomore senator Robert Reagan
disagreed. "Page 6 says that a full four-
year scholarship should be given to any
student whose last name is the same as the
president of the United States."
"Don't you mean any student whose first
name is the same as the president's last
name?" asked Regan Young sophomore
Tharrington interrupted the discussion
as he said "The constitution makes no
provision for what to do in case of a
missing page. For the past 25 years the
Senate has been illegally dealing with
missing pages."
"But Chris this is the first year
anyone's ever lost a page" said Castle.
"Oh" said Tharrington.
A naive freshman senator who hadn't
uttered one word in a Senate meeting since
taking the oath of office said "Why don't
we just ask Dean Beauchamp what the
missing page is supposed to say? "
Carl Cates senior senator woke up and
said in conspiratorial tones "That's just
what they want us to do. It may be a trap.
If we ask the administration they can tell
us that page says whatever they want it to
say. They might even horror of horrors
tell us that page 6 prohibits Senate
members from wearing loafers without
Castle gasped. "Gasp!" he said. "They
At this point in the meeting the Senate
offered the Pessimist reporter $75 not to
report anything else that happened.
Transfer of power
Newly appointed ACU President Saint William R. Teague accepts the wand of
power from Chancellor Saint John C. Stevens during Coronation festivities in
February. (Photo by Rodney Mediocreman)
Most students not caught
More than 4000 ACU students were not
arrested earlier this semester as Abilene
police continued their longstanding policy
of not arresting most ACU students.
"We are gratified by this statistic" said
President William W. Teague. "Over the
past few years the number of students not
arrested at ACU has grown almost as
rapidly as our enrollment."
The vast majority of the students were
not arrested on misdemeanor charges of
public drunkenness although a number of
students also were not arrested for
assault grand larceny murder arson
suicide and double parking in a red zone.
Included among the students who were
not arrested are several prominent
Students' Association officers at least
three social club presidents and the
daughter of President William K. Teague
who asked not to be identified.
Others not arrested include a number of
ACU Police Department student officers
the managing editor of the Pessimist and
Building names reportedly
In the wake of the discovery that for
years the name of the Margaret and
Herman Brown Library was incorrectly
spelled with as Margarett several other
wrongly spelled names of buildings on
campus have been reported.
The most glaring error was in the
spelling of the Administration Building
which was should be called the Ad-
moneystration Building.
An unidentified girl selling flowers
outside Moody Coliseum has told the
Pessimist that its correct name should be
Moonie Coliseum. "I'm not surprised that
so few people know it but most of the
money for your coliseum came from the
Unification Church" she said.
Also she said that McGlothlin Campus
Center ought to be called
McGlothlinCamus Center. "Even though
the McGlothlins donated an awful lot
two graduate Bible majors who were
unavailable for comment.
A complete list of students not arrested
by police may be found on the bulletin
board' outside of the office of Garvin
Beauchamp vice president for student
Students whose names do not appear on
the list and who do not believe they have
been arrested by the police this semester
should either contact Beauchamp turn
themselves in to police or leave as soon as
possible for Cuba in order to avoid ex-
tradition. Students whose names appear on the list
although they were arrested this semester
should count their blessings.
Those interested in knowing about
students who were arrested this semester
should read the police log available at
Abilene City Hall. Certainly you don't
expect this newspaper to dirty itself by
reporting such unsavory matters.
toward establishing this building the
existential author Albert Camus helped a
bunch" she said.
In addition Walling Lecture Hall was
originally intended to be called Waldo's
Bar and Grill.
However McKinzie Hall is correctly
spelled as is local historians say and
should not be changed to McKenzie
although this is how the Pessimist usually
Chancellor J.C. Stevens revealed late
Saturday night that even the name of ACU
is spelled incorrectly. "It seems that this
really should be Abiline Christian
University" he said. "That's the way F.O.
Masten spelled it when he left his millions
to the school and I think that's the way
we'd better keep it. It's poor business to
insult a benefactor."
However Stevens said he discounted the
'Oh Calcutta'
to be musical
The Homecoming Musical for 1982 will
be "Oh Calcutta" it was announced
tomorrow by Lewis Fulks director of the
ACU Theatre.
Cast selection for the play which
features nude performers and other nasty
things will begin as soon as final approval
for the show is obtained from President
William B. Teague the Board of Trustees
and local Churches of Christ.
This musical will allow ACU to challenge
the Playboy poll in the early 70's that
named the University of Texas in front of
ACU as having the best looking coeds on.
campus. An unidentified source close to
Fulks said "Until this year we didn't see
any way that the school could compete
with U of T. But with the seniors
graduating and the group of incoming
transfers and returning students we're
going to take the ranking away from them
and put ACU on the map for something
besides pole vaulting."
Students or alumni interested in trying
out for parts in the play may obtain scripts
at the reference desk in Brown Library.
Videotape clips of the major parts are
available from the media center! Fulks
"I realize that a number of our patrons
may be concerned about this choice of a
musical" he said "but I can assure you
that it will be brought off with the same
good taste and spirit that always
characterizes the ACU Theatre."
In keeping with the recent tradition of
using graduates of ACU in major parts
Fulks said he hopes to convince Zoe
Connor Andrews 1971 Homecoming
Queen to return to the university for one of
the leading parts in the presentation. "She
has the kind of unfettered uninhibited
personality that could really make this
thing swing" he said.
Also he said that rehearsals for "Oh
Calcutta" most likely will be conducted
behind the barn at ACU's Allen Farm.
However Fulks reminded musical-
lovers that "Oh Calcutta" is merely a
tentative selection for next year's
Homecoming Musical. "There's still time
for a change if the powers that be don't
approve of our choice" he said. "I
imagine we could whip together a little
something commemorating ACU's 77th
suggestion made to him by an unidentified
girl selling flowers outside Moody
Coliseum that the school really should be
called Abilene Krishna University. "She
had a few good arguments such as the fact
that if we changed the name we could use
Styx's 'Aku Aku' for our alma mater but I
just couldn't buy her viewpoint." Stevens
said he did buy her flowers though.
RACHEL: think we have a good solid
story here but I'd feel a lot better If wc
could identify the girl you use as a source
in grafs 3 and 4. Look in the Hello Book and
see if the Unification-Church has a campus
chapter. Maybe they could tell you who she
is. If not though guess we can still run
the story as it is. However you do need to
checfe the spelling of McKinzie. I'm pretty
sure it's supposed to be McKenzie. Wasn't
it named after Doug and Bob eh?

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The Optimist (Abilene, Tex.), Ed. 1, Thursday, April 1, 1982, newspaper, April 1, 1982; Abilene, Texas. ( accessed September 19, 2017), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History,; crediting Abilene Christian University Library.