The Handout (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 9, No. 1, Ed. 1 Tuesday, September 18, 1923 Page: 4 of 4
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"■J1 * ■ n'-fyrr-'
Well, girls, since we. 'haven't
swapped papers with anybody this
year and nobody has swapped
with us, ordinary news can't fill
this here column. So this time I'll
jusl) giw: you some jokes' and, - -~
iditties fthat !• have picked up here change and the hotels tlVe rest,
and there. They're not-half as
dry. And since they wasn't no
swapping done this soon, nobody
...was cheated, was they?
Dr. Stout (lecturing) "You girls
are new in the flower of woman-
Voice of college stude:"Yes, all
Me and mother went on a vaca-
tion trip this summer for a change
here's an Ode to J el lv Beans.
and a rest; the "hotels cot the
I f you sophomores were grate
ful fur their ignorahce, they'd >cer-
\'ou'vc heard of jelly beaiV^fMainly have much to be thankful
Girl: "1 know
it! Jf you were
surely wear the
Blessings on thee, jelly Bean!
Hare-brain boys with 1< oks not
With the cigarette's puffing smoke
That makes a nice girl almost
With thy slick hair, slicker more
Smeared with Stayconib from!there's a man in
the store; , sing the nurse."
With thy side burns on thy cheek. Mama dropped her sewing and
Thy flirting eyes that make one rushed to the stairway.
Little Bobby ran into teh sew-
ing room and cried; "Oh, mama
the nursery kis-
On my toes I give a twirl—
( Had. that 1 was born a girl.
! know a girl
And she cerfainly
Dumb-Bells (otherwise Freshmen)
That,,a milk man wrote
"Three o'clock in the morning."
That Angora wool comes
From an Angora cat,
That Long Island Sound
Can make a noise,
And time-tables have legs,
Thinks the bells in ,bov's
Trousers ought to ring,
And ammonia is a disease.
Thinks daylight savings is a IS.ank,
And the EiTgtlSh Derby is a hat;
That Rlex Beach is a summer re-
And the I'ljince of Wales a fish.
Lady customer—'How clo you sell
Grocer—-'I've often wondered my-
Judge—'Guilty or not guilty ?'
Rastus—'Not guilty, sub.'
Judg'e—'Have you ever been in
Rastus—'No, suh; 1 ain't never
stole nuthin' before.'
''April fool," cried Bobby glee-
fully. "It's only papa."
Mr. StewartW hat races'of peo-
ple have black eyes?"
Nell (irogan :"'Sh:.-iks and prize-
Poetry as written by Mr. Forman.
Under the shedding spressnut
• tree >
Even as you and 1,
With a hunk of hunk
And a cchuiik of junk
You're a better man than I am—
Old Black Joe !
Apple: "What makes you think
that Polly has a wooden leg?'
'J' ever leave home
'N go off to school?
'J' ever have dreams
Of a room like a picture
With pennants 'n flowers '
,'J' ever dream of fudge parties
,'N feasts 'n frolics
'J'ever picture--«fllege1* life*""
As just continous days
Of blissful existence?
'N walk into yur room-to-be?
'J'ever find it little, 'dingy, 'n
'N looked hopeless
In spite of pennants, 'n'tears,
'n curtains, 'n things?
'J'ever get ignored?
'J'ever find that nobody cared
Who you were, what you
were, 'n why?
'J'ever hafta work?
'J'ever cry over/exams?
'J'ever hate everybody
'X wanta go back home?
'J'ever get hungry?
"J 'ever ?
'J'ever look back
Coupla years later?
Mutterings heard on the steps
and in the corriders and rooms of
every dormtory on the campus
after about a week of gym : Ugh !
Sauce: "She stopped at a store gee but I'm sore!—Don't hit me
to get some garters an dcame out thereI'm sore all over!
with a package of thumb tacks."
'I understand Jone's wife is tight.
'Tight! Why, man, she uses a
barbed wire for a clothes line, so
the birds can't sit down.'
—A wg wan.
'Beg pardon,"said Mr. Howard as
Heart'* Inoperative Need.
Some*.!litiik the lu'iin .must have
aj^d Joy unit soiQ-ow
nothing win* pnsslon clasp,
, - , - • i cnenisn in
a worthy j resh was Registering |enrn,
but what ies your naiueib j 0I nnd In Itself to ashes burn.
"name ?" answered that worthy J ~Longfellow.
"can't you see my signature?" j
1 "A frog is a funny bird. He ain't
got no tail, most hardly. When I course,
he run. he hop; when he hop, -he | hirst Bi<
sit on his little tail he ain't got
almost hand I y.'
"I can," replied the registrar,
"and that's what arused my curi-
Prof.—'How much does a six
pound -shell weigh ?"
Frosh—"1 don't know."
Prof.—"Well, what time does the
twelve o'clock train leave?"
Prof.—"Then what is the weight
of the six ppund shell'?"
First Biology student (noting
crossed eyes of his partner)—
Are you going to cut where you
Second Biology student-—-Why of
Lloyd'* Is World F-^us.
Llo.vcf's Is probnhly or.,; of the most
famous British Insli cms nnd ti
known throughout tin .. orld. It Is a»
soclated In the ml*--'- of most peopU
with the Insuran" f ihlps nnd cur
goes and with «>■ uslCDal freak pol-
icies. whlcli are in the form almost of
bets or wager.*.
6: Fr6l»i Palm Sap.
In *: • ICit*<t todies a lunr known
as y la made from the sap of
the Co t |Mlm. The sap It obtained
by CQtl i.he flower spnthe and the
Juice jrlaiuii about lo per ccnt of sugar.
It !s consumed locally and Is very pur*.
Chetr.lcnllv, much of It is Identical
with cane and beet sugar.
A woodpecker lit on a freshman's
And settled down to drill.
He bored away for half an hour,
And then he broke his bill.
A woodpecker lit on a senior'*
He drilled at a nifty pace.
Till suddenly,something happened
He came to a hollow space.
Telephone Conversation A.D.6000
Spiritualistic Lady has just called
up her husband who is dead.
S.L.—'John, dear, is this you?
John—'Yes, my dear.'
S.L.—'John, dear, are you hap-
pier than you were on earth with
John—'Yes, my dear.
S. L.—'(sighing) Heaven must
be a wonderfu placec.'
John—I ain't there. Mary.'
ogy studgnt —Well hold
this cat, then.
There are three feet in a yard ;
but Mr.Forman's two feet couldn't
get in anybody's yard.
I heard Mr. Reed say: "There
was a day when I longed to be a
man and carry monev in mv pock-
ets. I sill do."
He—The tunnel we just passed
through cost one rtiillion dollars."
She—"It was an absolute waste-
ol money as far as you are con-
Cohen—"Ikey, what for you go
dein stairs for two at a time?
Ikey—'Ta ave my shoes, fader.'
Cohen—"Dots right, my son ;
but look out you don't spilt your
Junior—"I wonder if you know
Senio.ri—"Better stop wondering
and learn something yourself."
"Waiter, bring me the nine things
"What are they sir?"
We have our tnightv football yells
And songs that seem quite nifty,
But the universal college yell
Is. Dad, wire me fifty." ,>
— Jack ©'Lantern
A June bride tells us her new
husband thinks she signed up for
love, honor and no pay.—Harris-
I he man who has just come
back from 11ic beach is thoroughly
posted on the styles in bath-
ing suits, lie was overteard to
confide to a friend yesterday that
lie knows now why they call 'em
daughters of Rve-*—Roanoke times
Miss Priniflose, who's so very
Sweet \\ i 11 iam may rely on,
If his protection she implores
■ \\ hen er the tiger, lily roars,
Or growls the dandelion. v
Guy— "Do you believe in short
engagements?" Girl- "Surely.And
marriages to match."
Breach of Etiquette.
"So there was a gap in the- con-
" Yes, we were all yawning."
I he camel is hard worked."
"Yes to me he looks like a
beast which has been humping
itself too much."
WIM Be Tough on Painters.
it is iifllcvrd by the Moslems that
nt the judgment flny painters will hi
required to provide with souls all top
resriilutIons of tuinmn beings which
they luive tninie. Falling In this or.
deal, they will lose their own soul n>-
i forfeit for their presumptuous hnita
•.'.on of the work of the Creator.
How does Jack
Lthel Well, I should define
it as unskilled labor.
As a Business FropeaTUon.
The Westminster magistrate, flu
other day, described ii prisoner aa "a
very clever thief." It Is snld that tha
fellow Intends printlni; this testi-
monial on tits letter paper.—Punch.
•plendld Specimens of Jade.
A Chine.fe custom is to place a piece
of Jade In the mouth of a person on
bis death. The Metropolitan Museum
of Art In New York contains a fine col-
lection of specimens of .lade from Chi-
ne.-* tombs. Tn the Indian museum
collection of Jades there Is a large
howl on which a faintly of lapidaries
In the employ of emperors of Delhi
were engaged !n engraving for three
generations. It Is priceless
We are totd unit Ihere are but thres
mats of Ivory In existence. The larg-
est one measures eight by four feet,
and., although made In the north of
India, has a Greek design for a bor-
der. It Is used only on state occa-
sions, like the signing of Important
state dopiynents. The cost of thU
preciousThat was almost Incalculable,
for more than six thousand four hun-
dred pounds of pure Ivory were used
In Its distinction. Only the finest aud
moat flexible atrip# «f material could
be used, and tha mat ts lite tha Onuft
wonm fitbrt*. „
When the Ancients Dln«d.
The ancient (Irt'oks mid Komans did
aot sit up at the table ps we do, but ro-
jjJ rotiud It on couches, three and
limes even four occupying ono
at least this latter was the cus-
tom among the Romans. Each guest
lay flat upon his chest while eating,
rer.'»Wng out his hand from time t'
m the luhle fnr what he might rt>
As r.tion us he had made a suf-
» ileal lie turned over upon hi#
■» leaning upon the elbow.—
Many primitive races seem to hava
burnished their pottery before It wa»
fired, In order to get a glossy surface,
nnd In other cn:-">s the surface was
rendered waxy with resinous sub-
slanees, which were often colored.
There are only four ktnda of glaze.
I'hose used by the Egyptians, Syrlana
nnd Persians were of alkaline type
nnd most uncertain In their workings.
Lead glnze Is oik of the best and most
widespread In use for ordinary puf
Jud Tiniklns su.vs the nian who used
to think It was tdiortpor to move than
pay rent has discovered that he reck-
oned wlfiiout his next landlord.
Mozart a Composer at Flva.
Mozart hr-jpin, eornposlng nt nn
fnriler age than any body else on ree-
»rd. At four he was exhibited as an
J,nfnnt prodigy nnd at five he composed
poneertoH. When he was eleven h«
vrote an ojiera botiffe.
atory "Took LiKe a funeral."
The hostess suggested that we each
tetl a funny story. When tny turn
i-time I was laughing so hard over the
Joke I wanted to tell that I could
icarcely speak. Every one wns nnxlous
to hear It, and at Inst when 1 had con-
trolled my laughter I began. No one
even smiled when 1 tlnlshfid. 1 whs
the only one who thought the story
Th« "Index number" is a *rat1-««tsb
fished device commonly naod for taea(.
urlng changes In wholesale and retail
prices and rates of wages over long
periods of time. It la constructed by
securing each month the prices or
rates n uniform list. i»t certtt5»
fpeclfled places, and striking inner
ace. Such numbers err usually re>
duced to percentages. Tile Idrweat
price kaowti is sotnetirnes token as s
base, or as ta easts of luvesau-oBl
"■•ectee, Ifi U movA.
Many 8ht-<.e Made Frsm One.
When n Mexican autoni'Ji'.le refuset
to wear an old shoe any lonper Vie
itioe Is sold for n few eenis to a poer
native; whereupon he and his fatuity
wear It. lie cuts the shoe Into thick
-•llees which \iiry according to the size
if the family's feet; thus out of one
nhoe he makes many. They retain
(heir n a turn 1 shape and are bound
eroond the feet with thongs. In rolnj
weather nonskld shoes nre worn by
some of the more prosperous natives
—Popular Science Monthly.
First Negroes In America.
The fi'-st appearance of the negro
tn the English colonies In America
was In 1«10 when a-jCargo of negro
staves were landed n'f Jamestown. In
lrno. when the first census vas token,
there were 757,208 negroes in the Unlt-
There and Back.
"An' now, ladles and gents," began
the English shownmn, "there's this 'ere
hUIIgntor. Note the length. Fifteen
feet from llic tip o' the nose to ths
tip o' the lull, and flfteeu feet from
the tip o' the tall to the Up o' the noac
—thirty feet In ellt" — Houston PosL
•uopuoT 'qjutij—"uoiino 4<>|tt
puno; suij .wonaj ain bb 'loinb a\ou si
iih jul|j ino 4U|0<i suodaj jdjb'i ..'asop
•U|.v. uioojpaq b jo ino f>m u.uo.ii[)
suq uu|!<|jk,] b„ '}joda.i skojUxq a"||UO
« baus ,,'sa'up iiuij ui aiuu asan.u,
MON UMOfl )3|nt> UBO
Announcement Is made of the <J1*
rovery of a successful process for re
duelng orange Juice and lemon Juice to
dry powders, thi method adopted be-
ing much like that employed for the
production of powdered milk. Dry air,
nt not too high a temperature, evap-
orates the Juices to dryness, thus pre-
serving the fresh flavor. When want-
ed for use, it Is noceesary B«reiy to
Japan's Man-Faced Crab.
One of the most singular looklnj
ereatures that ever walked the earth
or "swam the waters auder the earth"
Is the man-faced crab of Japnn. Its
body Is scarcely an' Inch la length, yet
the head Is fitted with « face which Is
ttwe counterpart of a Chinese coolie—
« veritable oiUsIng llnlr, wltli eyep,
nose and inouth <11 clearly defined.
THE SHOE FOR HAPPINESS
"Nonsense!" you say "Happiness doesnt
depend upon shoes." _.
Doesn't it? Let's see.
Can you be happy •with a twinge in your
foot here, a cramp theie, a numbness in your
great toe, an insufferable feeling of weight
on your arches, a general all-tiied-out feel-
ing from foot trouble i
Of course, you can't. Test it out for your-
self. The dance; the play; the country walk;
the joy of buying those new frocks, the
pleasant anticipation cf a holiday—all can be
gloomed by foot discomfort.
But, by wearing the Cantilever Shoe you es-
cape all of the discomforts brought on by
ill-fitting shoes; you you build foot strength
and beauty because the curved flexible arch,
like the arch cf your own foot, permits free
exercise of the muscles; you promote better
circulation by giving every part of your foot
sufficient room and by properly fiting and
supporting it at all points; you enjoy life
mere becausc your feet arc really comfort-
Buy a pair tomorrow and see how much
that shoes can add to your happiness.
QUALITY SILK HOSIERY FOR GIRLS
LEON GROSS. PRESIDENT
Xtloin at Gightli
SjB - ' P §jg||.
IS Ross H. Loomis jj
THE COLLEGE GIRL'S STORE.
Come in and let us show you the latest
Fall modes. We have a large and com-
plete stock of sport pumps and oxfords—
snappy and stulish.
The Peifccl Color.
Green b> a restful color. Oculists
say that of all colors green Is the
most friendly to The optic nerve. Tn
lands where eternal snows or eternal
white sands flash up their glaring re-
flections. men have to shade their
eyes or go blind. But green grass
never bothers the e.ve. One can star#
a forest In the face all dny with lm-
puuity. Nature's grcenri-nover get on
your nerves, nn.t they never quarrel
with any other >t nature'!^colors and
The Home of the
Not a Chain Stor,e
l LX VIM
▼ rwthful Ooffwnent.
A mwrhnnt recently placed an ante-
atatle Weighing machine In front of his
■tors. A few days afterward a citizen
was observed standing on the machine
»nd closely scrutinizing the dtnl. HI*
hat was In his hand, although the ther-
mometer marked a low temperature
and c passer by asked him why he had
his hat ofT. "I want to see what J
weigh without my outdoor garments,"
finlS the citizen blandly. His Inler
locutor walked away muttering; "IT«
would not weigh much less If he t©ok
Its head ofT as well.**
As to Iminortallfy.
If I am wrong tn thinking the h«-
mail soul Immortal, I am glad to b«
wroog; nor will I allow (he mistake
which gives me so mach pleasure to
be wrested from me as long im I live.
Rut If when dead, ns some Insignlfl-
eant philosophers think, I am to bo
without sensation, 1 am not afraid of
■lead philosophers deriding my errora
Again, If we are not to be Immortal,
II Is nevertheless what a man must
wish—to have his life end at Its prop-
er time. For nature puts a limit to
Bring ne to everything els*-.—CIcers
"On Old Aje." ,
YOU COLLEGE YOUNGSTERS
STUDY HARD AND ENJOY LIFE
WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG^
Take care of your clothes. You can't be happy without
goods -looking clothes. And in order to look good ALL
the time, clothes need frequent attention. When you
decided to enter college you picked a good one. Yen
should do the same when your clothes need cleaning and
pressing. Select a shop where you can get the best of
service in the least possible time. That's Us
OUR 0NEDAY SERVICE
Is creating much favorable ccmment. It is briging bus-
iness to us from a wide territory. Time is valuable to
you and we know it. That's why you'll like our service.
YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THE BEST. WHY NOT
DRY CLEANERS AND DYERS
Work called for and delivered-jf^Phone 97.
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The Handout (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 9, No. 1, Ed. 1 Tuesday, September 18, 1923, newspaper, September 18, 1923; Fort Worth, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth772108/m1/4/: accessed May 25, 2019), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Texas Wesleyan University.