The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 87, No. 1, Ed. 1 Saturday, April 1, 2000 Page: 1 of 8
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the RiceTrasher
Vol. LXXXVII, Issue No. 1
SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME
Really Late, April 1, 2000
'Mack is DynaMite' ?
Investigation ensues
by Aliviar Ollison
I RASHCU l-:i)IHH<IAI SLAVH IAHOR
Dinah Mack may not be so
"DynaMite" after all. An investiga-
tion of the Student Association inter-
nal vice president's claims that she
is made of explosives began yester-
day.
Mack allegedly used false cam-
paigning to get elected to her SA
position. Weeks before the SA Gen-
eral Elections in March, Mack posted
signs around campus that read,
"Dinah Mack is DynaMite."
Suspicion about Mack's claims
first arose when she approached a
candle flame Tuesday without inci-
dent.
"We are afraid students got the
idea that Dinah Mack is, in fact,
made of TNT," Vice President for
Student Affairs Zenaido Camacho
said. "Researchers tried to use hair
samples to prove that Dinah con-
tains only the components of a nor-
mal human being, but the first test
results were inconclusive. Further
testing is currently underway, but
we think that Dinah is probably not
dynamite," he said.
Nobel Prize laureate and Chem-
istry Professor Richard Smalley said,
"Dinah Mack has about a snowball's
chance in hell of being made from
dynamite. This should be an open-
and-shut case."
If found to be free of TNT, Uni-
versity Court will handle her hear-
ing next week. Mack will be tied to a
scaffold in the Academic Quad and
publicly scorned by the entire uni-
versity. She will also be forced to
wear a large "L" for liar embroidered
in scarlet on all of her garmets as a
constant reminder of her evil do-
ings.
Hanszen College issued a state-
ment on the matter late last night.
The statement read, "We at Han-
szen College make no claims about
the chemical make-up of our stu-
dents. Dinah Mack claimed she was
made of dynamite entirely outside of
our knowledge, and we do not sup-
See DYNAMITE, Page 3
1
It's slaughter time!
LOOK AT THE GUY WHO WANTS TO THROW A PLUM AT GAVIN/THRESHER
Hanszen College sophomore Gavin Parks shows off his bounty from Willy's Birthday Party, an all-campus picnic
held Wednesday. For a centerpiece, College Food Service ritually slaughtered a tiny baby pig and cutely
roasted it. Nobody touched the delightful centerpiece.
Hutch takes assistant biatch position
I^zlo IvOO
THUKSHHAG EDITORIAL STAFF
John Delete Hutchinson will have
22 jobs at Rice beginning this sum-
mer.
Hutchinson will become assistant
biatch for Student Affairs and direc-
tor of Academic Innuendo on July 1,
in addition to keeping his positions
as Wiess College "master," chemis-
try professor, international man of
mystery, arborist, crooning lounge
singer, slaughterer of cattle and bar-
barian conquerer, just to mention a
few.
Hutchinson said the new jobs will
keep him busy. No shit, Sherlock.
"They include working with students
in both the academic and non-aca-
demic settings of their Rice experi-
ence, including when they get
sloppy, sloppy drunk," he said.
Between now and July 1,
Hutchinson will begin transitioning
into his new roles, continuing his
involvement with Academic Innu-
endo, which began when he was
named interim janitor of the office in
January.
Hutchinson notified Wiess that
his appointment as assistant biatch
would not lessen his commitment to
the college by having LizzieTaishoff
speak loudly in the Acabowl Mon-
day night. "Paula and I want to as-
sure you that we were dedicated to
maintaining our commitment and
service to Wiess College, until we
got royally trashed at Beer-Bike," he
said.
See BIATCH, Page 3
Alien lifeform looms threateningly over Rice
;>V :: ^ •
..m;;.:■: .i MX
< ^ '' ' r\>' 4' * '.?%&
SA a real party animal
Botsfordplans 'fun and exciting'meetings
by Freshman Writer
FORTHR RICK-A-RONI
In an effort to change the im-
age of the Student Association to
a more fun and exciting organiza-
tion, SA President Lindsay De-
lete Botsford announced last
Tuesday that SA Senate meet-
ings would be moved to a new
location. She also plans to imple-
ment weekly themes at every
meeting.
The meetings will most likely
be moved to the Club sports facil-
ity once it is completed. Botsford,
a Wiess sophomore, said she
thinks this will "foster more fun
and exciting meetings while in-
troducing students to the won-
derful world of club sports."
Eventually, Botsford hopes to
mesh club sports and the SA into
one organization with herself as
ruling monarch. "We could play a
game of soccer while making de-
cisions about parking on cam-
pus," Botsford said.
Some dissent about the move
arose in Monday's meeting. SA
freshman representative Covey
Tonington suggested that the
weekly meetings be held naked,
on top of the Baker Institute foun-
tain.
"I'i not sure how many show-
ers some of these people take,"
Tonington, a Hanszen freshman,
said. "It would improve our im-
age if everyone was clean. The
Baker fountain would doit. [Plus,
I want to mack on the chicks.]"
The only other suggestion was
made by SA Senator Malarkey
Ludicrous. "I think the meetings
should be moved to nowhere.
They suck anyway. Who wants to
come to this tripe?" Malarkey
said. "If I wanted to waste a full
hour every week of my life with a
bunch of bickering idiots, I'd go
see my parents."
No definite decision was made
on the new meeting place.
Several themes have been sug-
gested for the new meetings.
Bptsford is still gathering ideas
for the themed meetings, which
would include costumes, decora-
tions and free-flowing alcohol for
all.
SA Senator Penelope Castor-
oil suggested "Smack My Bitch
Up Week" where "guys would
pretend to be pimps and girls
would pretend to be prostitutes."
Castor-oil said, "I think this role-
playing would help women un-
derstand how far they've come
with civil rights."
Botsford, clearly dissatisfied
See NUDE, Page 3
A gigantic cock of hate hung over the Rice campus on Tuesday. No one was reported injured.
ROB GADDI/TRASHER
by In My Pants
TRASH FR STAFF
Students reported seeing a gi-
gantic phallic object flying across
the sky above campus Tuesday
around 2:15 p.m. According to wit-
nesses, the large object loomed over
t he campus for approximately 2 min-
utes and then proceeded to shrink
until it was no longer visible.
"At first we thought that Sid [Ri-
chardson College] had launched it-
self into the air and was breezing
through the stratosphere," Space
Physics Professor Meniscus
Pasadoble said. "Turns out it was
just a huge phallus which might be
proof of alien life. This could help
explain why all of our parking space
has been mysteriously disappear-
ing."
"It looked like an'elongated phal-
lic symbol," eyewitness Ginny Hu-
bris, a Jones College junior, said.
"Elongated?" Jones senior Eric
Krause said.
Baker College sophomore
Django Becker commented, "Damn,
that's a big dick."
Early comments from NASA offi-
cials claimed the object was "just a
giganticTwinkie. With a nutsack." A
NASA spokesperson later retracted
the statement, saying, "We believe
that the flying object was some kind
of gigantic alien cock. Perhaps a
hateful cock, not friendly cock. We're
attempting to contact the space-cock,
but, you know, there's no messing
with a hairy reasoner."
The purpose of the cock visit is
still unknown. Several CAAM stu-
dents theorized that the cock was
sent for them.
"We've been praying for cock.
Now it's here. We just didn't expect
it to be so large — our calculations
were a bit off."
President Malcolm Gillis had
nothing worthwhile to say.
INSIDE
Coffeehouse expands
to include hash bar
The new Coffeehouse expan-
sion, opening today, includes the
"red" and "blue" rooms —■. ambi-
ent spaces for students to drink
coffee, play games and just hang
out. To further enhance the mood,
those crazy Commie hippie-beat-
niks at the 'house have also built
a secret hash bar. Just don't get
those special brownies mixed up
with the Rice Cakes! Tee hee!
NEWS Page 6
Robert Lavelle speaks at Rice
AAE Pag* 13
Lizzie/Mondro: Yes, no, yes, no
LIFESTYLES Pag* 15
What to do ifyqurfriend is straight
Weekend We;ither
Frldiy: Assy hot, 89-99 degrees
Saturday: Mostly ass, 84-91
degrees
Sunday: Ass cloudy, with scattered
assiness, 79-87 degrees
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McAlister, Jett & Tam, Mariel. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 87, No. 1, Ed. 1 Saturday, April 1, 2000, newspaper, April 1, 2000; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth246674/m1/1/: accessed April 26, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.