The Optimist (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 61, No. 26, Ed. 1, Friday, May 3, 1974 Page: 1 of 8
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Volume 61 Numbor 26
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KIDNAPPED EDITOR WILLIAMS
"I have chosen to stay and fight"
O dear Christian university we love
by WILLIAM ALLEN WHITE
of the Pessimist staff
A motion to change Abilene
Christian College to Abilene
Christian University has been
passed by the Board of Trustees!
This change will require a bit
of revision of many aspects of
ACC (whoops - ACU!) life
style.
A new school song will be one
of the first necessary changes.
"Think about it" said Dr. Dill
Davis of the Music Department.
"Does 'Oh dear Christian Uni
we love you . . .' seem to be
lacking in something?"
"Suggestions for new lyrics
should be sent to the Bible
offices "said Dean Humble "We
want to make sure the lyrics
speak where the scriptures speak
and are silent where they are
silent."
This is
The PtssiiviisT
Abilona
OPTIMIST
Dr LeMoine Lewis will check
the word roots to see if they
correspond scripturally with the
Greek in correct meaning
"It is essential that a song be
selected that will appropriately
reflect the standards and
qualities of Abilene Christian
University" said President John
C. Stevens. "This will be a great
day for the University the city
of Abilene and the entire
Brotherhood."
Another change to be made is
that of the old College mascot.
"A wildcat just doesn't seem
to suit the new image of a
University" said Optimist sports
editor Rick Hagar. "Many
animals have been suggested by
the faculty and so far the one
with the most approval has been
suggested by the English
Department a Unicorn."
In what ways would a
Warning: Failure to laugh
at any of the articles printed
in this issue or at oneself
may result in a stiff upper
lip a sour disposition and a
pair of eyebrows that are set
rigidly as though coatod with
Epoxy glue.
The Pessimist. It is
LIBRARY
ABILENE CHRISTIAN COLLEGE
ABILENE TEXAS
Christian Collogo Ablleno Texas
EDITOR KIDNAPPED!
by ED MURROW
Political editor
In a message hidden in a
Chinese fortune cookie delivered
to Student Publications Advisor
0 E. Davis John Williams
Optimist editor kidnapped three
days ago by a group of Arcturian
aardvark breeders has declared
"I have decided to stay and
right "
With the cookie was a
photograph of Williams standing
behind a cannon declaring "I'll
blast the little devils out of
existence "
Williams and his managing
editor Alan Miller were working
on the Optimist late Tuesday
night when a group dressed in
aardvark costumes burst in and
dragged Williams away. Miller
said later he tried to stop them
"but the feathers kept tickling
me"
The bird-pcoplo were identi-
fied as members of the
Committee for the Liberation Of
Dandruff Sufferers (CLODS) a
group of Arcturian aardvark
Unicorn better suit the image of
a University?
"First" explained Hagar "it
is obviously a University animal
because of its name structure.
What better title can be had than
to be known as the 'Unicorns?'
'Uni' means 'united' you
know."
Continuing with his reasons
Hagar pointed out that the
Unicorn was thought to be a
symbol of purity "which
naturally describes the people
who make up our teams and the
kinds of games they play
Besides it looks like a horse so
most Texans can identify with
it."
And there is another thing
going for it; if the Unicom is
made the new mascot then we
won't have to think up a new
song!
a joke.
79601
breeders whose hobby is
stamping out "the great white
menace to society."
Williams said In his message he
had not been coerced in any way
in his decision to stay. "I can
never go back to the life I led
before. Hair doesn't mean the
same thing to me anymore" he
said.
Williams announced he had
adopted the new name of Jean
Lyndoor after the head barber
at the Arcturian royal palace.
"I think I've always been one
of the CLODS at heart and now
I have found my niche as 'hair
apparent' with my fine feathered
friends" said Williams.
Miller said in a news
conference after Williams'
message "I find it hard to
believe that John has changed so
much in only three days."
Originally CLODS left a
ransom demand for the return of
Williams. Miller said "We've
been canvassing dorms to raise
the necessary ransom. So far we
have 14 cents and a bottle of
iFifl9HBHHHflH9sfiHm9sBHHflHHW'JVH9
ACC VICE PRESIDENT Bob Hunter in a surprise news
conference Tuesday revealed that he is suffering from a terminal
disease involving a strange hideous plant which is growing out of
trio back of his neck. Hunter (shown in his wheelchair) admitted
that his frequent trips to Austin had not been for the purpose of
political lobbying as earlier announced but for radiology
treatments and weeding and pruning sessions.
May 3 1974
Head and Shoulders. We've
appealed to the administration
for help but so far it seems like
they are trying to wash us out of
their hair."
Miller's charge was vetoed by
Dr. Davis who proposed three
theories for Williams' bizarre
behavior: 1) Williams is dead and
the man in the picture is an
impostcr; 2) He was a CLODS
membor all along and helped set
up his own abduction; 3)
Williams was brainwashed into
joining CLODS
"We're doing everything we
can to get John back" said
Davis crying openly. "Right
now all I can say is that I blame
myself for all this. If I had not
censored so many of his
columns perhaps none of this
would have happened."
Up at administration hall
ACC President John Stevens
rejected Miller's allegation.
"I find such criticism to be
negative non-constructive and
un-Christian"said Stevens.
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The Optimist (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 61, No. 26, Ed. 1, Friday, May 3, 1974, newspaper, May 3, 1974; Abilene, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth91835/m1/1/: accessed May 5, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Abilene Christian University Library.