The Brand (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. ONE, Ed. 1, Monday, April 1, 1996 Page: 1 of 8
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An April Fool's Day Tradition For More Than 50 Years
If s a farce: Dam-It is dead
By Potty Train
a man about town
It is Elvis all over again.
Last year's report that Dam-It was
alive and kicking is now being construed as
a falsehood.
"The dog is dead" said Cracker the
Duck a frequent visitor of Dam-It's tomb-
stone. "I've been king duck of this pond for
more than forever it seems and the only
dogs that I have seen don't resemble the
honorable Dam-It
"It is a disgrace for the likes of any
four-legged creature to claim that they
were Dam-It None of them I repeat
none of them have the rock-carrying abili-
ties of Old Fritz."
Reports last year indicated that Dam-It
had been living abroad some say
Callahan County and then moved back to
the Forty Acres area in 1995.
It is true that no one has been able to
find the burial sight of Dam-It though exca-
vation attempts continue. An unsubstantiat-
ed report has indicated that Fritz' true burial
sight is the cornerstone of the Richardson
Library but at this point the adrninistration
will not give the go-ahead to dig up the
deceased dog.
The dog who posed as Dam-It last
April to claim the throne as King of The
Forty Acres is now on Dog Row at the
Pound. His true identity is Tiny the Terrier
a 23-pound gray-haired pup from Capps.
Tiny had successfully pulled of the
switch after purchasing a bulldog suit and
stuffing himself along with 10 boxes of tis-
sue inside the suit to assume the role of
Dam-It
"Why is it always the bulldog that gets
top billing everywhere'' said Tiny in a one-on-one
interview from Dog Row. "You
never hear about a terrier as a mascot I do
not regret what I did because I did it for the
little guys. I did it for all the terriers and
small dogs across this nation that are never
allowed to be mascots. A little dog is every
bit as good as a big dog."
A jury made up of three German shep-
ards two hounds (one blue-tick) a Scottish
terrier five mutts and a retriever gave Tiny
a life-without-parole sentence.
"They say it was a jury of my peers but
I say not" retorted Tiny. "If it was a jury of
my peers then why was there just one terri
er in the bunch and a Scot no less. I've been
set up to take the fall."
Dam-It's grandson Fritz Von Erick is
glad to see the situation resolved.
"Grandpa Fritz can now rest in peace"
said Fritz the No. 1 contender for the World
Dog Wrestling Federation Title. "I only
hope I can live up to his great name. When
I claim the WDWF title I will hang my col-
lar from his fire hydrant He was definitely
a dog of dogs and Tiny got what he rightly
deserves if not less. He should be banished
to a room without comers."
Paw Print Publishing is also m danger
after publishing false memoks. Fritz bn
Erick has begun proceedings to bring the
publishing firm to civil court
"I want to right all wrongs here" said
Fritz. "Then I will release my own biogra-
phy of the rock-carrying dog from East
Abilene."
As fee the ducks that helped Tiny stage
the fraud they have all been indicted on
charges of treason and duckspionage and
have been banished to the Monahans San
Dunes for life.
"It is best that we do our part to ckar
up this mess. Those ducks won't fly over
Cracker the Duck reveals the
truth about the Dam-It imposter.
this pond ever again. You have my word as
king duck."
The life of a dog is a never-ending
story at Hatdin-Simmons University.
library institutes new
policy to stop thievery
Brock Lee
library correspondent
Armed guards surveillance
cameras metal detectors time lock
doors motion detectors alarm sys-
tems and x-ray machines No it's
not Fort Knox it's the library.
Due to the rising number of
thefts of books by students at
Christian Universities the
Richardson Library will be insti-
tuting new security policies effec-
tive immediately. Surpris-ingly
statistics show that Christ-ian and
ministry students rank among the
highest in the natiopn in thefts of
books per semester. The library
determined not to be a victim of
this statistic and is taking measures
to ensure that it isn't
The most dramatic of these
new measures will be the metal
detectors x-ray machines and
security personel at all entrances
and exits of the facility. These are
not unlike those found in interan-
tional airports. The guards will be
armed and equipped with hand-
held wand metal detectors. The
library has made it clear that no
"Tom Foolery" will be tolerated
and those who attempt to lift books
from the library can expect to be
pursued and stopped with "any
amount of force necessary"
according to library officials. "Our
guards are trained in hand to hand
Please see THIEF Page 4
Thirst Quencher
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Hardin-Simmons University will install runnig water this year.
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The Brand (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. ONE, Ed. 1, Monday, April 1, 1996, newspaper, April 1, 1996; Abilene, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth97635/m1/1/: accessed May 4, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Hardin-Simmons University Library.