Mineral Wells Index (Mineral Wells, Tex.), Vol. 85, No. 201, Ed. 1 Sunday, December 29, 1985 Page: 2 of 26
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Sunday, December 29,1985
WELLS INDEX
All I know is what I read in the papers.
-Will Rogers
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Mineral Wells Index
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Opinion Roundup
;oraphobia syndrome
Chasing her to the parking lot, follow-
ing her up the highway, we identified
her behavior as typical of the panic
flight reaction we had seen in
antelopes pursued by lions.
The very next afternoon a third
subject, and then a fourth, entered a
department store purposefully, nor-
mally, and instantly turned glassy-
eyed, heaving frantically. One im-
mediately dropped her list in the
nearest bin and began grabbing gift-
wrapped items off nearby tables. The
other tried repeatedly to press his
credit card on members of our
research team, asking them with a
fixed smile for "Six assorted gifts
please Just charge them."
These four were duly, scientifical-
ly, added to the sad, even tragic,
series of case studies which we have
collected io these many Yuletides
Now, however, we feel our studies
are complete It is time to share our
analysis of a full-blown psychological
disease. We call it Christmas
Agoraphobia
Until now, the fear of the
Christmas marketplace has been suf-
fered by millions of Americans. Alas,
each of them believed "I must be the
only one." Christmas Agoraphobia
was thus kept a dirty little secret. It
was never granted the status of a
disease by our paar groups
Today, however, we can detail the
cashier’s line It turned out that she
was a journalist who had covered
coupe and crises in Central America
But as the team was questioning her
further, the woman suddenly bolted
history as well as the symptoms of
this syndrome. We can say with cer-
tainty, for example, that Christmas
Agoraphobia was the primal motive
behind the adult fantasy known as
Santa Claus. It is not children who
need a Santa as their mision-
making, purchase and delivery
system, after all, but adults. We
created the mythology of overtime
elves and flying reindeers in an at-
tempt to protect our young from the
cold truth of American adult life: The
Mall
Christmas Agoraphobia comes to
the American mall-goer in the shape
of that psychic bugaboo, sensory
overload. Christmas shopping is to
shopping as mugging is to caressing.
To be more exact, an analysis of oup
data shows that the Christmas shdp
is the consumer equivalent of a rock
concert. It assaults the average sen-
sibility into insensibility.
The crowds would overwhelm a
Tokyo train station and the lines
would challenge the patience of an
experienced Moscovite. But it's the
options and the pressure of deciding
that produces a full-fledged all-
American panic
We had one woman in our study
who easily explained to us what our
foreign policy should be toward the
Philippines She was recorded later
by our hidden camera in a state of
sweaty indecision trying to select one
of 32 shirts for her niece. A man who
was confident in advising us about
the fate of the stock market was later
seen accosting strangers and asking
which of four watches his wife would
prefer.
Of course, some (the control group
in our research) deal with their
Christmas Agoraphobia by
avoidance, otherwise known as
catalogs. Others simply engage in
denial and can be seen in a critical
state of the disease on Ch: istmas eve
A third group (we abel them
paranoids) are convinced that
department stores are guilty of plan-
ned agoraphobia, creating a climate
of panic in order to induce impulse
•spending Who would pay 1150 for an
ounce of Giorgio perfume, except a
poor soul trying to avoid imminent
breakdown by buying anything at
hand in a box?
We at the research institute are
mere fledglings in the study of this
syndrome. As yet we have no cure,
except January. But we are pleased
to tell Christmas Agoraphobics that
they no longer need be ashamed.
Come out of the chimney, whoever
you are It is not the spirit of giving
that you lack, but the spirit to get
what must be given.
(c) 1985, The Boston Globe
Newspaper Company/Washington
Post Writers Group
BOSTON — Let us consider, for the
moment, the case studies
On the 11th _ _________
day preceding
Christmas (MS ~ jfl W
a male was
discovered MRw F
huddled in the Wa \
comer of the dA fiS
shopping mall.
clutching a WK
piece of paper
with one hand
The otherfV
hand, or It EllenGoodnun
least its
thumb, was firmly located in his
mouth.
The subject in question was not a
lost child. He had a good deal of gray
hair in his beard. By reading the
identification in his wallet, our
research team determined that this
man ran a large business and had
once been a wartime medic. But now
all he was able to say in response to
our interview was. "Where are the
Four Calling Birds? Get me the
Three French Hens.
On the following Monday, a female
Santa Claus left holding the bag
AH Buchwald
what they said about TWA and
Revlon. 1 can buy anything if you get
me a loan from the bank you’re stan-
ding in front of."
Santa seemed terribly confused.
"Good little boys don’t borrow money
without collateral. They can get their
fingers burned. How about a train
set?”
Santa held his stomach. "Ho, ho,
ho. Christmas is not for sale."
"Everything is for sale. It’s just
how you shape up the deal to sweeten
the pot. I’d be happy to spin off the
religious part of it, which is a money-
loser, and just hold onto the gift divi-
sions."
« Santa said, "How do you intend to
pay for it?"
"I’ll issue Christmas junk bonds
with your picture on them. This will
assure the investors the bonds are
guaranteed by the United States
government.”
CHRISTMAS .IS NOT FORSALE!”
Santa screamed.
Five brokers walking by heard him
and in an hour the rumor was all over
the street that someone was making
a takeover bid for Christmas. This
drove the market to new heights. As
usual, everyone made a bundle ex-
cept good guys like Santa Claus, who
was left holding the bag.
(c) 1985, Los Angeles Times Syn-
dicate .
"Hq, ho/ho How do you expect to
pay for It?"
“In a leveraged buyout. I'll sell off
Rambo Steel, Rocky Asphalt and the
Joan of Arc jeans division.”
Santa said, "But Yummy Cookies
Little T. Bone thought about it. "1
might be interested in Southern
Pacific if I could sell off the real
estate and get the air rights to the
Los Angeles Railroad station.”
Santa was getting weary. So tell
me. Have you been a good little
boy?"
“Very, very good,” T. Bone said.
“Don’t believe what you read about
my joining Senator Jesse Helms in
his fight to take over CBS. It had
nothing to do with firing Dan Rather.
I figured Jesse knew how to run a net-
work better than the people who are
there now.”
Santa said, "Would you like a
Christmas peppermint stick?"
Little T. Bone shook his head. "No,
has a poison pill in it to prevent cute
little fellows like you from taking
over the company."
Little T. Bone started to pull on
Santa's beard. "I know that, stupid.
That's why I’m willing to take 850
million in greenmail to go away ."
Santa tried to change the subject.
"If you can’t have chocolate chip
cookies, what else do you want for
Christmas?"
T. Bone wiped his nose. “Ford."
Santa said, "Ho, ho, ho. You’re too
young to drive.”
T. Bone replied, "I don’t want to
drive. I want the Ford Company, in-
cluding the aerospace division.”
Santa went, “Ho, ho, ho. No one
can buy Ford." __________________
T. Bone got red in the face. “That’s. but I might be interested in
J Christmas"
Now Santa had to take notice.
"What do you mean Christmas?"
"I understand it’s a very good
money-maker. I read in The Wall
Street Journal that in a good year
Christmas grosses more than
McDonald’s.”
Little T. Bone Snicker walked up to
Santa Claus, who was standing on
Wall Street, ringing a bell. "Ho, ho,
ho,” said Santa. "And what do you
want for Christmas?"
T. Bone gave
him a
Santa scann £ <,
ed it "Yummy
Chocolate Chip
Cookies’ That 4 yZ; .yW
shouldn’t be a
problem How j
many cookies
do you want’"
"! don't want
me company.
“what on earth for?” Santa asked.
''So I can merge it with Alpha
Chemicals, Beta Ballbearings and
*■ Prison gangs understand force
Once of the strangest peace treatlee of all time has been proposed by
leaders of two Hispanic inmate gangs as a means of ending a sometimes
bloody recruiting war by the gangs that has kept the state prison system
in turmoil for months
Even though this proposal appears to have been taken seriously by peo-
ple who should know better, It is still ridiculous. The rival gangs, whose
members have been responsible for a number of prisoner killings in re-
cent months, have demonstrated the only authority they recognize is
force.
Prison officials are fully capable of dealing with these gangs without
humiliating themselves by discussing peace treaties.
Officiate know what must be done. We hope they continue doing it.
—The Daily Tribune, Bay City
Comet should be fun
The visit by Halley’s comet should be a lot of fun.
Just think of all the T-shirt slogans and souvenir junk that will be pro-
duced for our amusement and someone's profit. Just think of the conver-
sational opportunities: "Seen Halley’s yet?” Who will be the first in your
neighborhood to spot the comet?
Finally, the guy whose hobby has kept him up nights gazing at stars will
have his day. Any and all astronomers will be interviewed.
—The Houston Chronicle
Calf-roping cabinet member
"Secretary of Commerce Malcolm Baldrige earned $241.81 in outside
income last week — the hard way. He didn’t make an anti-protectionism
speech to unemployed shoemakers; nothing so easy. He won the money
as second prize in a calf-roping event kt a rodeo in Harrisburg, Pa.
Baldrige, 88, is a veteran member of thee Professional Rodeo Cowboys
Association, and Is heeler on a two-man roping team. No word on where
he buys his boots; presumably, they're made in the USA, along with the
saddle.”
—Austin American-Statesman.
Education funding
The big push to raise national education levels has resulted in some 131
billion state tax money being targeted for colleges and universities this
year. This represents a two-year gain of 19 percent in money earmarked
for education by the states.
The only state that did not register a gain was Texas, with figures show-
ing a three percent drop in money for education. Meanwhile, Alabama, a
traditionally poor state, increased its spending for education a whopping
53 percent
Still, there remains the nagging question of why the state, on one hand,
goes all out with studies and committees to improve education, and on the
other, gets downright stingy when the time comes to dig up the cash
No one wants to pay more taxes, yet almost everyone wants better
schools and better education for their children.
—The Laredo News
Support for “Bible chair"
No matter how much pressure it may get from church leaders, the
University of Texas should stand by its decision to reform its antiquated
“Bible chair” system, under which various denominations have paid peo-
ple to teach religion courses Although its defenders see it as an amicable
arrangement beneficial to both religion and public education, the system
actually has blurred the constitutionally mandated lines separating
church and state and needs to be eliminated.
—The Delias Times Herald----
“Sickening 99 hijacking
"Sickening” Is one word to describe the hijacking incident on the island
of Malta Hijackers representing a little-known group called Egypt’s
Revolution commandeer an Athens-to-Cairo flight, murder one American
passenger and shoot two others in the head before (flimping them out of
the plane; then they realise the Boeing 737 is being stormed by Egyptian
commandos. They hurl hand grenades at the passengers
Among the more than 50 passengers who die in the gun and grenade
battle and the resulting fire are eight children. "Sickening" is one word;
"despicable" another
Unfortunately, the people who engage in such acts are not the world's
moot reasonable people Reasoning about results does not work.
Neither, we fear, does retaliation. But how do we "get after these peo-
ple with both barrels," as (Secretary of State George) Schultz suggested?
It's certainly less than satisfying, but we would suggest that getting
after these people, effectively, has more to do with prevention than it does
with retaliation It involves international cooperation, aggressive
intelligence-gathering, stepped-up airport security and a commitment to
better understand the culture from which these atrocities emanate
—San Antonio Light
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Call the carrier for your area.
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Clip Out and Save
Whereto write
your elected officials
President Ronald Reagan
The White House
Washington, D.C., 20500
U.S. Senator Phil Grainm
179 Russell Senate Office Bldg.,
Washington, D.C. 20510
U.S. Senator Lloyd BenLsen
307 Senate Hart Bldg.,
Washington, D.C. 20510
Texas Senator Bob Glasgow
P.O. Box 12086
Capitol Station
Austin, Texas 78711
U.S. Rep. Charles W. Stenholm
District 17
1232L.H.O.B.
Washington, D.C. 20515
State Rep. Rick Perry
Texas House of Representative
P.O. Box 2910
Austin, Texas 78769
Viet nam gangs aKve and well in US
racket! paralleling traditional
Hanoi
cottes to American soldiers
authorities
In addition, large amounts of credit
could
worthwhile Intelligence on
which would er
WASHINGTON - Criminal acUvi
ty In Vietnamese-American com-
munities is thriving. Law-
enforcement agencies glumly agree
about that Aa we've reported,
organised gangs of Vietnamese are
operating in at many aa 13 states
were criminals before they came
here from South Vietnam
"Some criminal groups were con-
sultant. at a private conference of there will be a growing problem of
law-enforcement officers in Houston Ha not-orchestra ted crime in thia
It provided some startling, if anec country, "particularly in organized
controlled criminal activity. Cassidy
cited his investigation of a Viet-
namese family's gold and jewelry
association in Southern California
He said the family was "planted"
the crime
But another
associates Corky Johnson and
Donald Goldberg Ito baste claim is
that "agents provocaeurs" have in-
* filtrated anti-communiat Vietnamese
aM put it on qur
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Bennie, Bill. Mineral Wells Index (Mineral Wells, Tex.), Vol. 85, No. 201, Ed. 1 Sunday, December 29, 1985, newspaper, December 29, 1985; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1170330/m1/2/: accessed July 16, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Boyce Ditto Public Library.