Galveston Tribune. (Galveston, Tex.), Vol. 31, No. 64, Ed. 1 Thursday, February 9, 1911 Page: 6 of 10
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GALVESTON TRIBUNE.
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a second Burbank,
a second me.
“Humor
that, it
So just
The aij
The red«
ever made merry in an Inebriate’s Home.
Eure a psychopathic ward ^assemblage, and
some.
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And at length I was found by a guide who <
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‘It sure does’’
‘But there’s more money
And the biggest thing of all is the
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Rule might possibly not be a fake after all, you’r<|
doo for a bump. ft
“We got ours. It come in the night. It usual- |
ly does. —
"I had just rolled over on the other side and was I
getting nicely started on the second lap of the Mor- *
y. > noise tJiat soun(je^.
Now,’ he goes on, ‘take
You live, say, in Noo
or some other badly in-
Every time you go out on the piazza
’ so busy slapping your
w
^qUI
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I
pheus handicap, when I heard
like the'end of the World.
“I come out of it, and fetched Vertigo a kick.
“ ‘You’re on your back,’ I honored in his ear.
“But then the noise come again; and I knowed I
And additional proof come in another
I am getting a heap imbued with his ideas by this
time, ‘and hang a bottle of good Four X around its
neck, all you’d have to do would be to whistle and
a neggnog any time you was
‘At present,’ he says, T am
A parasite is a zoo-
Dogs
they’re
Some of ’em
Some of
Or ruther,
For he deals
and inanimate things like flowers
and trees and froot and cord wood and such futile
and contemptible inyootllities, while I devote my
tireless energiees and unlimltlss genius to the anl-
mile kingdom. Them,’ and he waves his hand
blithely at the snake and the smallpox germ, ‘are
some of my eggsperiments. ‘This,’ he goes on, pat-
ting the microbe gently, ‘is the result of mixing the
THH ONE GLIMPSE I HAS IS PLENTY
SUFFICIENT.
hold us making suicide pacts'and picking mud tur-
tles out of each other’s hair.”
Poor Gehenna has all he can do to get up on his
pins and we’re a very shaky pair as we wend our
way onward to the Edison concerete villa which
looked as though it had been made in an ice cream
mold and pourd out before it had time to set
erly.
"As we nears the colony of juvenile houses that
1 have before alooded to, I sees that they’re all
coops and cages of different kinds.
has barred winders, some of ’em hasn’t.
o
SBBB
horrid snort, he threw the last ‘
straight up at Cassyopeer’s chair and charged at___
“It took me less than a fraction of a split second
to leave the woven wire. Vertigo was already stand j
ing in the middle of what once had been the room,
combing his whiskers with a shoe and staring help- T
lessly about. ♦
"The horstri<?hes! ” I yelled at him, as I flew
past. f
A word to the wise, you know; and he was wise, j
all right, and getting wiser every minute. I
"The barnyard was a sight. Hover had done /
clean job. There was just one horsetrich left out I
of all the strange creations of Vertigo’s great gen-, J
ius. Even the diplodocus old lady was a contri-^B
button to the festival. H
"I grabbed the horsetrich by one wing and Verti^fl
go he grabbed the other. We swung ourselves up- ]
on his back, me in front, and stuck our heels into J
its sides. It responded riobly to our encourage-^
ments and slid off down the valley at a rate of speed' fl
that would have had the Empire State Express look-
ing like a traction engine. *
But did we lose the diplodocus? Never on your fl
immortal life! He hadn’t missed our steed’s tail* I
got the old feathers by a foot when we started forth from the fl
once been our 1
for further^
- J yelps at
* I
' I
He ceased. I
"But did you ever go back?” I queried.
He eyed me with squelching scorn,.
"Did I ever go back!” he repeated. “Did I ever
go.back!” And then, "Say, what do yo utake me •
for, anyhow, hay?”
I didn t answer his question. It would not have
been polite. And, besides, he was much bigger
than 1.
my r
y
jackassowa- I
Giving a wild shake of his head, and emitting a |
----, _j threw the last jackassowarjlu I
; me. (
"IT WAS SOME KIND OF A PARLOUS JOB, WAS
FEEDING THEM EXOTICS.”
can afford to sell ’em for a quarter apiece. They’ll
be self-supporting in summer and will hibernate all
winter among your summer clo’es, keepin’ the
moths out of ’em and living on a small quantity of
camphor.’ .
" ‘It sounds fine,’ I says.
" ‘It is fine,’ he says,
in big things,
diplodocus.’
" ‘The what?’ says I.
“ ‘The diplodocus,’ he says.
says, ‘or a mamma] or a fish, or a bird, or some-
thing like that. I don’t know what it is. But I’m
going to find out or bust a suspender trying. An-
drew Carnegie bought the skeleton of one the oth-
er day for twenty thousand or fifty thousand dol-
lars, ’r something like that. And if the skeleton is
worth that much the finished product ought to be
worth a million. So,’ he announced, impressively,
‘I’m going to raise a herd of ’em for the home and
eggsport trade. 1 figure that when I get ’em to
multiplying right, I’ll have an income of twenty or
thirty millions per annually. I’ll work slow and se-
cret at first, selling stuffed ones to the natural hlst-
’ry mooseums. Then I’ll branch out, taking zoolog-
ical gardens and circus >enageries.' And after they
all get supplied I can sell ’em for domestic animals.
They’d be fine for moving houses or towing canal
boats.'
“Well, to stretch a short story, the old gent took
a great fancy to me; and I did to him. So when he
offered me a job helping him with the speciments, I
took it and settled down with him in the poured-out
villa. And though I was nervous at first it wasn’t
long before I got use’ to it and didn’t mind it no
more n if I’d always lived in a psychopatihc ward
And Gehenna he used to have good times, too, play-
ing with horsetriches and the kangaroosters.
"There was a lot of animiles there that I hadn’t
"HE WAS SPREADING HIMSELF FOR FURTHER
ORDERS.
ite blood and sperit. This present disappointing
speciment, though, will help to increase the stat-
ure.’
"Well, that was what we done. We g
rogue elephant that was that cantankerous that he
had to be handled with a derrick and dynamite, and
the rhinoceros who was a natural born misanthrope
and a fighter from the word go, and ’way behind
that, and proceeded to go back along the family
tree of our diplodocus and grafted them on at what
we deemed sutiable intervals.
"You can imagine we were some eggscited as we
waited. Our first diplodocus wasn’t no slouch.
We’d had to build a special barn for it that was as
big as the main tent of a three-ringed circus; it
would take you ten minutes to walk around it and
the longest ladder in the place wasn’t long enough
to reach to its ridgepole. JSo you can imagine that
our second was going to be some pumpkins. Old
Smith had it all framed up that he wouldn’t let him
go for a cent under half a million; and then only
after he had a large family of descendants strewed
over the valley.
"Well, he was right. That second diplodocus
equaled, and even eggsceeded our fondest hopes.
He was so big that his skeleton would make the
; one Carnegie bought look like an X-ray photograph
of a dress form. It sure towered above its mater-
nal ancestor like the Singer building above the
subway. ’
"To say that Vertigo and me was delighted is
expressing it feebly. We was in transports of joy.
Ecstatic happiness oozed out of us at every pore,
and between, and all that morning, we just took
hold of hands and danced around our new diplodo-
cus. It was like playing Ring-Around-a-Rosy in a
department store.
“Day by day we watched our creation grow and ex-
pand, both physically and mentally. Them big ani-
miles, as a rule, are slow in machuring. But this
one was right up to the speed limit. In less’n a
week he could stand alone. He was weaned at three
months. And after that it kep’ me and Veritgo
busy fourteen hours a day rustling enough proven-
der to keep them two diplodocuses from starving to
ceath.
"Le’ me tell yer, it was some kind of a parlous
job was feeding them exotics. They had some dog
in them somewhere, and from that the new one had
a nabit of wagging his tall; the old one was too
puny. And Rover (we’d named the new one that)
smashed the end of the house off one afternoon, in
showing his gratitude for a couple of bales of hay
we’d give him. Another day he knocked down
three of them giant redwoods and an orange tree.
We found some of the oranges four miles down the
valley.
“Well, everything went along all right for about
six months. Me and Vertigo was as happy as kit-
tens under a stove and Rover was thriving to beat
three of a kind. Not a cloud was upon our hori-
zons. We dwelt in the soft sunshine of sweet con-
tent and wouldn’t have swapped places with the
Czar of all the Rooshias and some of the Rooshians.
"That’s always the way, I’ve noticed. It’s always
serene just before something’s doo to be handed to
you in the place where it will hurt the worst. When-
ever things is going along on castors and your lik-
ing yourself particularly well, and feeling particu-
larly good, and beginning to believe that the Golden
know that well enough. But it’s the
credulousness that I objects to,’
three steps to get a flying start.
Well, set down and have a piece of prune pie,’
he says.
Jest at this juncshure, for a piece o’ pie, prune
or otherwise, I’d have set down in the middle of a
school of gryphons and gargoyles and been glad of
the chance. So I done it. And the old party, af-
ter slicing me out a wedge of the succulent proven-
der aforesaid, sets down opposite me again.
" T,' he says at length, impressively, puttin’ down
the snake and taking out of his vest pocket a crea-
tion that looked like a smallpox microbe mgnified
^ne million times, ‘am Vertigo Smith.’
" ‘1 don’t wonder,’ I says. ‘Was the name be-
stowed or acquired?’
It was given >me by my payrents,’ he rejoins,
who was well-intentioned parties, but sadly illiter-
ate. They seen it in a almanac and, thinkin’ it
sounded good, they gives it to me.’
"He continues:
he says, ‘am
1 should say, Burbank is
with senseless
E looked up from his paper.
“This Burbank guy,” he said, is sure
a wonder, ain’t he?”
I nodded.
“I suppose before long he’ll be grafting corn on-
to beans and getting succotash,” he continued spec
ulatively. "And then he’ll fix his apple trees so’s
they’ll bear pertaters, thereby saving all the trouble
of digging ’em.
“1 shouldn’t be at all surprised,” I assented. "The
wonders that science each day unfolds are almost
unbelievable.”
He nodded profoundly at my very trite remark.
"Yes,” he agreed. “And that same science is
folding up a few wonders, too, that we don’t never
hear nothing about. Take my friend Vertigo Smith,
for instance.”
"Who was he?” I queried interestedly.
You never heard of him?” responded my vis-a-
vis; as one who asks a question, knowing before-
hand the answer.
"No,” I replied.
"And you ain’t lonesome,” he observed. "Lots
9’ people never heard of him; and never will. But
in his way, he has this Burbank party skinned a
league. I’ll tell yer about him if yer got time,” he
volunteered.
I had the timerplenty of it; and I so said. Where-
at, taking a long draught from the glass at his el-
bow, and wiping his trailing mustache on the back
of his hand, he began:.
"Back in ninety-nine I was prospecting around
through Californy, looking for gold but finding
nothing but sore feet and a thirst.. Fate was sure
handing me out a deal from the bottom of the deck,
and I was reduced at length to one burrer, loaded
with a shovel and the habliments I was standing
in. I retained said shovel and raiments only be-
cause I couldn’t sell ’em and said burrer only be-
cause I couldn’t give him away.
“Well, one afternoon I’m tramping along with
despair in my heart and even less in my stomach,
wondering weakly whether there's enough meat on,
the burrer to pay for mending the teeth I’m liable
to break picking it off, when suddenly I comes to a
turn in the trail and there before me spreads a veg-
etationous valley full of the most fullsome verdure
that ever you see.
In the middle of this valley there stands a ’dobe
mansion and all around .it the most amazing collec-
tion of sheds and shacks that ever you laid your
lamps on. There were some high ones and some
low ones and some long ones and some short ones.
And what with the house, they all looks like a big
Buff- Cochin hen surrounded by a bunch of the most
ill-assorted chickens that ever was.
“However, I ain’t hypercritical.. ‘Where ther’s
life, there’s beans,’ says I to myself. And if a par-
ty desire to efface the beauteous visage of Nature by
sticking around on it a lot of five and ten-cent stone
edifices, it ain’t none of my funeral as long as I can
get a hand-out myself. ‘Git up, there, Gehenna,’
says I to the burrer; and we prepare to teeter down,
into the aforesaid verdant valley
‘Halfway down the hill there’s another bend in
the trail. And as we comes around this I stops
short while tne burrer does even better—for he
turns a back somersault; and then sets there on the
shovel too frightened to bat an eye.
"The one glimpse I has is plenty sufficient. I
stands back to trying to make my convolutions con_
volute.
“Before me, meandering saloobriously across the
plain, is the worst looking collection of fauna that
It was
psychopathic ward »assemblage, and then
Four-footed things with wings, and two-
footed ones without, and birds with hair on em’
and fishes with laigs—great suffering Jemima! It
was sure enough to make a party pin blue ribbons
on himself until he couldnt see out, and take up
his residence permanent in the cellar of the head-
quarters-of the W. C. T. U..
“With my eyes bugged out so’s you could ’a’
knocked ’em off with a stick, I watched the pro-
cession out of sight and then turned to the burrer.
He was setting there with a faraway look in his
eyes talking to himself.
Come on, Gehenna,’ says I, nudging him gently
with, my short, spikes. ‘Le’s get a move on our-
selves toward yoY villa and put an end to this de-
bauch of starvation that we’ve been on; for if we’re
seeing things like that to-day, to-morrow will be-
‘ DO YOU SEE THIS?” HE SAYS.
kicks me back, and I find it hurts, I am delighted
beyond words.
“So I smiles on the old party with deep sympathy
and feller-feeling.
"That’s right,” I says encouragingly,
yerself. Wh4n you get ’em as bad as
ain’t a particle of use to try to' kill ’em.
set down and have a good time with ’em and byme-
bye they’ll go away.”
" ‘What’s the matter with you?’ asks
man, sort o’ peevish like.
‘I don’t know,’ I says to the old party, ‘whether
its’ stomachache or backache that’s ailing me. All
I can tell yer is that I ain’t tasted food for so long
that I’ve forgot even the smell of onions.’
‘Lie down, Lucy,’ says the old man to the horn-
pout; and the last named settles down comfort-
ably with its head between its fore paws, the old
party climbs up onto his feet ‘Come on in the
house,’ he says, ‘and I’ll see if I can get a snack
for yer.’
“Taking Gehenna under my arm for company, I
tollers him into the house.
“The old man watches me thoughtfully as I loads
into my shrunken frame four dollars’ worth of pork
and beans and biscuits.
“ ‘I hopes my pets ain’t frightened you,’ he says,
at len th, apologetically, combing his whiskers with,
his fingdrs.
" ‘Oh, not at all,’ I rejoins, p’litely. ‘I’ve had
’em myself, several times. They’re unpleasant but
not necessarily dangerous. And if you’ll swear off
gradually, say cutting down half a pint a day at
first, and then slowly increasing the stringency, it’s
surprising how quick you’ll get rid of ’em.’
“He brushes my well-meant suggestions aside
with an impatient wave of the hand and, stooping
over, takes from the floor a long, bloo snake with
green wings and three sets of laigs.
" ‘Do you see this?’ he says.
“‘Yes,’ 1 replies. ‘And I may as well confess
it s the first time I ever knowed delirium trimmings
was contagious.’
" ‘Feel of it,' he says.
"1 grins.
I know it, I says, ‘and good reason why, hain’t
there. I wore out three pairs of shoes and put my
shoulder out of joint on two separate occasions find-
ing out that simple fact.’
“ ‘Try,’ he says, shoving the snake at me.
"‘Why sure,’ I says, ‘if it’ll please yer any.’
“I put my hand out confidently expecting it to go
right through the snake and flat on the table. But
it don’t. And 1 gives a yell that sends Gehenna
scuttling under the stove and falls plumb over back
ward in my chair.
Easy,’ says the old party.
ger.’
Ain t eh!’ I says, a trifle peevishly, I fear, ‘I
-3 strain on your
and I goes back
ems empty, borne of ’ems full. But I keeps my
eyes resolutely to the fore; for I ain’t takin’ no
chances. When a party has set on the edge of his
bed for weeks at a time, throwing his boots at a
blue jellyfish with pink wings and a plug hat, fie
learns that curiosity is a curse and he don’t pay no
attention to no zoological exotic until it trips him
up. But the burrer being denied the valyooble data
that is mine immediately begins;to rubber like an
up Stater in a sightseeing truck with the result that
he becomes so obsessed with terrifying fears that
his legs won’t work, and I has to carry him the
rest of the way. And as we comes around the cor-
ner, we sees setting before the door, an old man
teaching a large hornpout to set upon its i/ind laigs
and beg.
"After focusing my already bugged eyes on this
new spectacle, I begins to wonder if Gehenna him-
So I kicks him; and when he
was wrong.
minute; for the house was yanked right off froi£ I
over me and I was gazing up into the starry heav-
ens and wondering what had happened. e 1
"And then it burst forth In all its fury. The aij |
was filled with wild, discordant yowls.
wood trees was falling like grain before the patent
■reaper; and our D. T. menagerie could be heard in
a little concerted specialty that sounded, however,
feeble and unimpressive in comparison to the maiij i
noise.
“It come to me in a flash. It was Rover! We had. I
Injected too much elephant and rhinoceros! Our’ I
Impetuousness had made us incautious. Alas! How
true it is that careless work carries its own penal*
ties.
“I lay there in the Californy midnight and my
union suit thinking over these things when, all o/
a sudden, diplodocus, who had just finished filling
the middle distance with our coop of
ries, got his lamps on me.
the diplodocus
I
porter (Emerson proton.
Copyrighted 1908 by Thomas
H. McKee.
life blood of the scorpion with that of the cockroach,
and again crossing the combination with the taran-
tula, I eggspect in time to be able to instill into his
lovely little creature the instincts and flesh of the
sloothhound, and finally of my cultivated rhinoceros,
passing on my way through the lion, the tiger, the
leopard, the grizzly bear the rattlesnake, the Gila
monster, and the panther.
" ‘That’ll make a fine pet when you get it fin-
ished, won^ it?’ I. queries. ‘It’ll be a nice thing to
replace lapdogs with.
"He ignores my untimely facetiousness.
" ‘It will add greatly to zoology,” he asserts.
." ‘And subtract greatly from anthropology,’ I
suggests.
“ ‘And -it’ll make a fine watch dog,’ he says.
" ‘You’re right,’ I agrees. ‘The burglar will im-
mediately begin to hump the dodo for first place,
and that’s no' lie.’ \
‘Among my other interesting eggperiments,’ he
he goes on, ‘was crossing a cat with a mouse. But
this wasn’t entirely successful, being as when the
resultant animile grew old enough to find out what
it was, it chasd itself to death.
" T have also,’ he goes on, intermingled the blood
of a horse and the ostrich, thereby securing a max-
imum spbed with minimum of weight; and I found
that the feathers you could get off a horse would
pay for his keep; whereby I got Edison’s newly dis-
covered storage battery which has been coming out
sence I was a boy, beaten eighty ways for Christ-
mas.
" ‘Also by weaving my way around through the
species of Gorden setter, cow, and giraffe, I have
obtained a animile meek, intelligent, that gives
milk, that will do simple little errands like fetching
you yer gloves and shutting the door, and that as
well can be used to double advantage in the cherry
picking season.’
" ‘If you could get a hen and a egg beater in'that
combination somewhere,* I ventured helpfully, for
it would bring you
thirsty!”
" ‘He ignores me.
much interested in parasites.
logical antidote. Cats is parasites for mice,
is parasites for cats..’ z
“ ‘I see’’ I eggsclaims. ‘jest like drunkards is
parasites for whiskey, and panic is parasite for
money.’
" ‘That’ the idea,’ he approves, ‘except that you
must stick to the fauna,
moquitoes for eggsample.
Jersey, or Pelham Manor,
tested State.
after four o’clock, you’re kep’
laigs and neck that you can’t converse in anything
eggcept profanity. Now just imagine what a won-
derful, priceless relief it would be if you could have,
say, half a dozen moquito parasites to set around on
the back of your chair, or along the welts of your
shoes, and nail the mosquitoes as fast as they come!
And then, when bedtime had arrived, they’d set on
your piller beside your head and pop every dad-
blamed stygomia that tried to tap a blood vessel”’
"‘Fine!’ I agreed. ‘Immense!’
" ‘I think so,’ he acquiesced, complacently. ‘\ye
Mammoth Cave,
cus to enter. That
life.
“For three weeks I subsisted on fish. They were’
blind and a cinch to catch; though much harder to
eat. And at length I was found by a guide who f
was taking a party of school-teachers from Beebe,
Indiana, through the simplest ramfications of th©
wonderful burrow. I was delirious, they told me, t
and sadly emanclated; and when they discovers me, v
I’m setting on a stalagmite with a blind tadpole in-
each hand, singing in feeble accents. However, £*
know nothing of all that myself for I was out of
my head for several weeks.” J
He kep’ ’em in an immense corral around
the corner of the mountain. There was some ele-
phants he was makin’ over into mastodone and
mammoths and behemoths and things, and a two-
laigged rhinoceros that was as big as from here to
yonder and back.
We used some of the fancy stock to start our
dlplodcus with. We had one biped that was worked
up through, a penguin to a hippotamus that was a
peach. And another creation that was composed
of kangaroos, whales and emus. And so on, by ard-
uous, unremitting, painstaking effort we began to
get results, and after several years there came one
day something that looked a whole lot liked the de-
sired fauna.
When it got big enough to balance itself with
having its head and tail resting on the ground, we
stood around one day looking at it.
There s something wrong,” remarked old
Smith, loogoobriousiy. *it looks more likea cuspl-
do than a diplodocus. What’s ailin’, d’yer ’spose?’
Ypu can search me,’ I says.* It looks as though
it had lost its last friend, and that friend owin’ it
money. I don’t believe it's got enough initiative to
bite if you was to stick your finger in its mouth and
make faces at it.’
Old Smith brought his hand down on his knee so
hard he liked to split the cap.
You ve hit it,’ he eggsclaimed. It’s too mushy
and meek and lowly and humble looking. All them
things we bred it through were soft and lumpy ani-
miles like cows and hippotamuses and things. It
wants a little bit o’ fervor injected into it—some
stamia and gumption, by heck. We should have
mixed in the rhinoceros and the rogue elephant,
that would straighten it up and stiffen it out and
make it a diplodocus and a diplodocus right.’
That s so,’ I agrees. ‘We’ll Insert the requis-
barn yard. As we passed what had
happy home, he was spreading himself f:
orders, emitting the most blood-chilling
every leap; and every third jump his kangaroo
blood would assert itself and he’d slam his tail®
down on the ground and give himself a push, and.
hurtle through the air for a good ninety foot..
“The memory of that ride is with me yet, par-'
ticularly after a bedtime snack of pigs’ feet and ice
cream, or mince pie and Welch rarebit. Often,-
in the still watches, I awaken the house with weird
yells and the frightened boarders come running to
my room to find me astride the radiator, urging it V
on to frantic endeavor, while the cold sweat runs
down my pallid, somnambulistic visage in streams,
by heck! i . . * c
"As we flashed by the end of the valley I could
hear those frightful yowls coming nearer and near- 9
er. I dared not look around. We were covering
the ground at the rate of at least three miles per
minute, and it required all my skill to keep my!
place.
“I clutched our faithful horsetrich around the a
neck. On we raced, and on, and on------1 heard ®
a shrill yell in my ear. Vertigo’s hand suddenly,
slipped from the waistband of my union suit. OuE
steed (ours no longer, alas, but now mine alone)
pressed on more swiftly and I knew Vertigo was
gone. Poor Vertigo! . . . Poor, poor VertigoJ A
He come down three days later in San Antonio, Tea- 1
as, and broke up one of the most successful revival |
services they’d ever had there . . J
“Another fifty or seventy-five miles, and I felt,,
rather than heard, the diplodocus again at our heels.. I
I stole a hurried glance over my shoulder. Yes there
he was, his bared, glistening teeth not a yard away,
his little eyes flashing venomously. He made a
swipe for me—and missed. Another—and sudden-
ly my poor horsetrich was yanked out from under
me and I was going on alone through the air.
"1 lit in a small but well ventilated hole in th©
ground that turned out to be the other end of the
It was too small for the diplodo- €
is the only thing that saved my
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Galveston Tribune. (Galveston, Tex.), Vol. 31, No. 64, Ed. 1 Thursday, February 9, 1911, newspaper, February 9, 1911; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1356718/m1/6/: accessed July 16, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Rosenberg Library.