The University News (Irving, Tex.), Vol. 36, No. 20, Ed. 1 Friday, April 1, 2011 Page: 5 of 12
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The University News
Snewzzzzzzzz
April!, 2011 - 5
Suppressed saints
Clare Mulhern
The Angelic Scribbler
In the first annual All
Dorms Meeting last Friday,
someone suggested that
all of the members of
the resident halls dress up as
their respective Hall Saints for
Mallapalooza on April 9. There
would be a panel of three judges
(aTrinitarian number, of course)
to pick a winner from each
dorm. The winners would be
called on stage to receive halos
as prizes. There were varying
reactions to this proposal: Some
of the New Dorm residents at
first protested that this wasn't
fair. They wanted the chance to
win a halo, but as of yet there is
no St. New Dorm. It was quickly
decided that every floor would
choose a saint to dress as for
the evening.
"I'm glad we chose St.
Ursula," one female resident of
the New Dorm said.
A Gregory Hall resident who
wanted to remain anonymous
said, "I guess I can use my sheets
for the costume. They used to
be white, but now they're gray."
A first-floor Greg resident asked
in confusion, "Why would I want
a halo?"
One Jerome girl was not
enthused about dressing as St.
Jerome. She said, "Yeah ... I'll let
someone else win that contest.
I don't want to dress up as a
man." However, Maria Linn was
excited about the contest. She
said, "Fo sho I'll dress up as my
Jeromie homie!"
Exactly 73 percent of the
Augustine girls are planning
to wear Augustinian garb for
the festivities. Ivanna Bond
graciously offered, "I would do
it if I knew what he looked like!"
A group of girls were hoping
that RHA would buy the dress-
up supplies and put on a party
where they could all get ready
together. Unfortunately, the
budgetwas already appropriated
to different events, so the girls
are going to keep the price low
by using eyeliner to draw facia!
hair on each other.
Most O'Connell girls were
completely against the idea.
"Who the heck is St. O'Connell?"
one of them said. "Oh well, it
doesn't matter. I might not
go anyway." Charmi Vince
reminded them, "O'Connell is
named after a nun who helped
found University of Dallas." A
second-floor resident replied,
"I'll dress up as a nun."
The Theresa girls are really
excited for the contest. "I'm sure
that most of us have dressed up
as St. Therese at an All Saints
Day party at some point in our
lives, so it will be easy to think
of a costume," one resident said.
A group of girls have agreed to
share their collection of scarves
with their friends so that they
can all wear patterned veils.
The Madonna boys that
spoke up at the meeting are too
respectful to dress up as Mary.
Ambrose Stearns said, "I'm
against this idea because I don't
think I could accurately portray
Our Lady." Rafi Bernardo said, "I
sometimes ride horses bareback
while sitting backwards, NBD."
Bernardo plans to dress up as the
pop star Madonna. If you see a
boy wearing a curly blonde wig
at Mallapalooza, it's probably
him. If you see him go on stage
to sing one of Madonna's songs,
pull out your video camera.
Ultimately, the dorm
representatives voted against
a saint look-a-like contest this
Mallapalooza. Understandably,
many dorm residents are upset
about this and might dress up
anyway. So if you see a guy
dressed as a saint that night,
don't judge him. Just accept the
fact that you're jealous and you
wish you had enough courage to
wear your bed sheets as clothes.
Notable noses knock noggins in nostril knockdown
Christian Howard
The Motley Mastermind
A special Bradford Debate
was hosted on campus
last Friday involving two
little-known characters:
Dr. Friedrich Neatcha from the
University of Basel, Switzerland, and
poet DanntyAligharryfrom Florence,
Italy. The debate was extraordinarily
heated and led to a violent brawl
involving both participants and
audience members. The topic of
debate: What's in a nose?
"My genius is in my nostrils,"
Neatcha said as the debate began,
"Pointed above, round below."
But Aligharry made it clear that
he disdained such characterization,
stating that the power of the nose is
located not in its nostrils, but rather
in its firm and energetic shape.
"The nose," Aligharry said, "is
the foundation, the abutment of the
brain. It is the very buttress upon
which the brain rests!"
Neatcha was quick to respond.
"Not that your brain needs such
a large nose," he said.
As may be imagined, Aligharry
was not taken with this response.
"You are beyond evil," Aligharry
said. "I've seen you in Hell!"
The debate went downhill from
there. Audience members began
siding with the debaters, interjecting
their own commentary.
Charlie Darwine said, "Though it
has developed over time, the nose
has traditionally been the locus of
the olfactory receptors."
But Bill Wordwit objected to this
scientific approach, crying, "Enough
of this! I do oppose! Close up those
barren leaves. Come forth, and
bring with you a nose that smells
and sniffs and breathes."
"Such a nose is of more worth
than a kingdom," Johann Lavater
sagely remarked.
But at this point, all speech
was lost in a flurry of fists, and
many a nose was broken to the
despair of the participants. CSO
was immediately called to handle
the issue, and the opponents went
their separate ways, most of whom
were sporting bloody or disfigured
noses.
Billy Sharpspear, who had stood
laughing in the corner during these
proceedings, commented upon the
event.
"Be not surprised if this bloody
tale be retold, full of its sound and
fury," Sharpspear said. "But who
nose?"
The owner of this easily recognized
proboscis was among the many strangely
familiar guests at a special Bradford
Debate last Friday.
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Chee, Gabbi. The University News (Irving, Tex.), Vol. 36, No. 20, Ed. 1 Friday, April 1, 2011, newspaper, April 1, 2011; Irving, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth201544/m1/5/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting University of Dallas.