Dallas Voice (Dallas, Tex.), Vol. 20, No. 20, Ed. 1 Friday, September 12, 2003 Page: 4 of 68
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You're still single? Want to know why?
By Michael Alvear
Contributing Columnist
"Why are you still single?"
It's a Trojan Horse question. People wheel
it out as a compliment, but the soldiers of
insult leap out as soon as the question's asked.
"Why are you still single?" is the diplomat-
ic way of saying, "What's wrong with you?"
Sure, on the surface it's a compliment. I
mean, you wouldn't ask a homeless person the
same question.
Or a mentally ill person. Or a programming
executive at Fox.
You don't ask people who have nothing
going for them why they're going nowhere.
It's much more exciting to ask the dreaded
"Single" question of somebody who seems to
have it all — brains, brawn and beauty.
First, there's a genuine mystery to it.
Second, and most important, because
there's a certain glee in discovering the fatal
flaw that keeps Mr.Perfect from finding Mr.
Right.
1 guess you're lucky if people think enough
of you to ask the question. Better to be seen as
marriage material than radioactive material.
A group of us got together one day and a
smug, happily married friend lorded it over
us.
"Why are you guys still single?" he asked,
in the kind of tone people use when they actu-
ally have someone to go to the movies with.
One friend gave the universal reply of the
Single & Wounded. "I just haven't found the
right guy."
What a crock. I meet the "right guy" all the
time.
All single men do. The problem is, they
never think you're the right guy. Every man
you think is Mr. Right thinks you're Mr. Fright.
And vice versa. You're a stink bomb to the
guys you want and "da bomb" to the guys you
don't.
it's the kind of tragedy that comedy is
made of.
The question never used to bother me
when I wanted to be single. But now that I
want to lose my singleness the way my friends
in committed relationships want to lose their
partners, it bothers me a lot.
First, of course, is the pity that always
accompanies the question.
Now, I enjoy being pitied as much as the
next guy. You can get lots of married friends to
pick up the tab that way. The problem with
being pitied is that you become pitiful. And
that's when you realize even you wouldn't
date you.
I used to answer the "Why are you still sin-
gle" question with a question of my own —
I hate the "Single" question
because the words echo in my
ears long after my feeble
attempt to answer it. It's easy
to be seduced into thinking that
you're somehow defective.
After all, if you weren't, would-
n't you be in a relationship?
"Why are you still married?" But that's not a
good maneuver if you want people to pay for
the drinks.
Then I tried putting a bumper sticker on
my car that said, "I'm Dating Your Husband."
But the karma seemed all wrong.
I hate the "Single" question because the
words echo in my ears long after my feeble
attempt to answer it. It's easy to be seduced
into thinking that you're somehow defective.
After all, if you weren't, wouldn't you be in
a relationship? Wouldn't you at least be dating
a lot? If you were all that, wouldn't you be in
demand? Every single man who doesn't want
to be single asks himself these questions. The
answers, like our plans for Saturday night,
aren't pretty.
And neither is some of the advice you get.
A friend actually suggested that dating is like
picking fruit at the grocery bin. "Don't go for
the perfect pieces," he whispered conspira-
tionally.
"Go for the bruised fruit. It's cheaper, and
they'll be grateful."
Presumably, he meant the store managers.
I do have one friend that actually gave me
some good advice, though.
"You're single because you've chosen to
be," he said.
"Bullshit," I said.
That may have been true when I wanted to
be single. In those days I consciously chose to
be single. But what about now? How can you
say I'm choosing to be single when I'm aching
to be in a relationship?
"Because," he said, in an observation that
took me weeks to understand. "You've chosen
to believe in the things that keep you single."
Michael Alvear can be reached at michael@men-
rpigs.ee.
Tame or decadent?
1 just wanted to say that this was my 11th
Southern Decadence in a row, and 1 never
thought I would miss one.
However, if 4U-plus protestors carry that
much weight with the City of New Orleans
and the "Gav Right," then I think 1 may be
going to the wrong place.
I have never been to New Orleans when no
one was "earning" beads and having fun. Nor
have I ever seen such a police presence and
thought they were there watching me instead
of protecting.
I agree that it is disrespectful to lose control
and urinate in public or engage in sex acts, and
no, I would not want that happening in my
neighborhood. But to portray New Orleans as
a righteous historical place that should be
appalled by indecency is in itself a disrespect-
ful thing to do.
The city was mostly founded by prosti-
tutes, prisoners and other French undesirables.
I do not see how the events of the last 32 years
of Southern Decadence have "hurt" New
Orleans in any way.
And if they want us to come and "play
nice" so that some right-wing fundamentalist
does not voluntarily place himself in the mid-
dle of situations he finds undesirable, then
maybe we need to find a new place to be deca-
dent.
Jim McCoy
Dallas
4
SEPTEMBER 12, 2003 DALLAS VOICE
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Vercher, Dennis. Dallas Voice (Dallas, Tex.), Vol. 20, No. 20, Ed. 1 Friday, September 12, 2003, newspaper, September 12, 2003; Dallas, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth616336/m1/4/: accessed July 17, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting UNT Libraries Special Collections.