Hondo Anvil Herald (Hondo, Tex.), Vol. 116, No. 42, Ed. 1 Thursday, October 17, 2002 Page: 23 of 58
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The Hondo An>il Herald. Tkandi;, October 17 2002. Sec. 2. Pa*e 1
How to publish a
newspaper in a
jimmy eat world
A while
hack. I
wrote a
colu,mn Dave
complain
mg that Barry
in any
\ o u n g —
people do ™
in>1 read newspapers, and seem to he
more interested in Britney Spears than
the Middle hast. I assumed that this col-
umn would not offend anybody, be
i ause I was |ust kidding around. Also I
ligured no young person would actu
ally read it
Unfortunately, the column fell into
the hands ol Debbie I itle. a teacher at
( rests lew Middle School in Ellisville,
Mo., who did something unspeakably
\ icious: She used my column as a class-
room assignment It is a well-known
educational fact that if you want young
people to hate a writer, you order them
to read his writing, form opinions about
it. and write these opinions down un-
der harsh classroom conditions. This is
why Shakespeare is so unpopular.
Anyway, Ms Title ordered a group
of eighth-graders to respond to my col-
umn. She sent me their essays, which
amount to a compelling critique of my
views. In summary, the students make
three basic points: (1)1 am old. (2) I
am an idiot. (3)1 am an old idiot.
Or. as one student put it: “Dave Barry
I suggest that you get a life you annoy-
ing little Baby Boomer!”
The thing that ticked the students off
the most was my allegation that they
are fans of Britney Spears. As one of
them put it: "Most kids don’t talk about
Britney Spears. If she did a nude photo
shoot we would, but that won't happen
lor a while.”
Or, as another student wrote, enigmati-
cally: “Why do young people read news-
papers ’ Two words: not Britney Spears.”
What performers do these students
want to read about'.' “Teenagers like to
see stuff about Rob Zombie and Saleen
Mustangs," one student wrote.
NOTE TO OLD PEOPLE: "Rob
Zombie" is a musician, I think, although
to judge from his website — http://
w ww.robzombie.com/ — he might be
an actual corpse who has. through some
kind of voodoo ritual, come to life and
signed a recording contract. “Saleen
Mustangs" SOUNDS like the name of
a band, but as far as I can tell actually
refers to fast cars.
Another student wrote: “Some things
we are interested in are bands — not boy
hands, but like Slipknot, New Found
Glory, MxPx, Jimmy Eat World."
NOTE TO OLD PEOPLE: These are
all actual bands. On the official Jimmy
fiat World website, I found a tour diary,
written by drummer Zach Lind, who
states: "We played a Roman coliseum
in Switzerland. It was built during the
Roman empire. That was probably the
first place we have played where the
killing of human beings was a common
occurrence at some point.” This state-
ment is false: Jimmy Eat World has also
played in Miami.
(If you want to know the truth, I lis-
tened to some of Jimmy Eat World’s
music, and I actually liked it. Of course,
I would never say so in public, for fear
of destroying the band's credibility with
Crestview Middle School.)
In addition to noting that I am a
clueless, drooling, senile fool, Ms.
Title's students offered advice on how
the newspaper industry might attract
young readers, including:
— “I don’t like reading about death,
war and government. Write about things
that we can relate to."
— “Make the newspaper more hu-
morous. it is soooo boring. Talk about
skateboarding, it is so huge now you
don’t even know.”
— "Talk about not boring stuff. Like
the peace thing. It’s very important, I
understand that. But it’s boring.”
— “Don’t use jokes that we don’t un-
derstand. In your article, you said ‘a
much higher percentage than the gen-
eral population voted for Stalin.’ Who
is Stalin .’ Put in jokes kids understand.”
“When you talk about this stuff
make it interesting. Like when we kill
a terrorist, don’t just say he died, say
he a blew up in a million pieces or
something like that."
- “I think that one way you could im-
prove newspaper sales to young people,
would be making the paper look more ap-
pealing'.’ Maybe some blue and red ink?
— “Another thing that would sell
good to kids is by typing bigger."
— “Another suggestion is to make
more comics, like ‘Get Fuzzy.' There
shouldn't be these stupid comics about
the guy who talks about nature, that
comic sucks."
Some of these suggestions threaten
the very essence of newspaper journal-
ism (Motto: "Death, War and Govern-
ment"). But I see no reason why we can-
not use blue and red ink. And I defi-
nitely "goofed" by not explaining, for
younger readers, who Stalin is. He is
the bass player for Rob Zombie.
In conclusion, 1 urge newspapers to
incorporate as many of these changes
as possible, because young readers are,
truly, our Hope for the Future. In that
vein, let me conclude with this thought-
ful and inspirational quote from one of
their essays:
“Our teacher is only making us write
5 paragraphs and I’m done.”
Daw Barry is a humor columnist for the
Miami Herald. Write to him c/o Tropic
Magazine. The Miami Herald, One Herald
Plaza, Miami FL 331 32. © 2002 The Miami
Herald. Distributed by Tribune Media Services
The northern end of the road
Wildlife and nature are abundant along the Alaskan Highway
Fairbanks, AK - After spending
the better part of the afternoon in
Chicken, Alaska, a funky village a
half-step from official “ghost town"
status, the sun and the mercury were
falling in unison when 1 reached the
Alaskan Highway
In the first town 1 entered. Tok, I
spied a sign in front of a restaurant that
pushed the right button: “Have dinner
with us and camp for free!" All day I
had consumed only jerk) and dried
fruit. (Oh, and one beer I mustn't for-
get. ) The day was officially called on
account of hunger. Their combination
plate with grilled salmon, halibut, and
reindeer sausage was excellent.
When 1 said I’d like to take them
up on their offer, the lady told me that
I was welcome to set up in their RV
park out back, but that there was a
newly established "for two wheels
only” campground that also honored
their deal to get the word out to the
biker community: Thompson's
Eagle’s Claw Motorcycle Park. The
thought of sitting around a campfire
Destination:
America
An Anvil Herald senes
by Lewis H. Mathews
myself Mr and Mrs. Thompson,
however, quickly consoled me when
they said I should just use one of
their large group tents with a cot. I
was also encouraged to raid their
firew ood pile I just had to pull out
my sleeping bag, and I was set!
Pitching a tent every evening and
then striking it the next morning is a
tedious chore. Instead, I used this pre-
cious gift of time curled up on the cot-
struggling to soak up a little wisdom
from Living Buddha, Living Christ,
an insightful treatise written by a Viet-
namese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. I
never built a fire, but it was nice to
know I could if I wanted.
The next day, I reached the official
end of the Alaskan Highway at Delta
Junction. Thinking
back on the ride,
what I had enjoyed
most about this fa-
mous road was all
the wildlife along
the way. Usually
these critters just
teased me with a
fleeting appear-
ance. But occa-
sionally one would
strut along the
shoulder.
The physical
ribbon of pave-
„ ____ , ment continued
A marker commemorates mile 1422-the last one- without a break
of the Alaskan Highway, built in a few months time • t with a dlffe J
Hurinn 1QA.0 ent label. It todk^
me
during 1942.
with fellow riders encouraged me to
“fire” up the bike again.
I was a little disappointed to learn
that, due to it being so late in the sea-
son, I had the entire campground to
me into Fairbanks where a welcon
awaited.
When my father remarried when
I was 12, many of my “new” cous-
ins went the extra mile to make me
PHOTOS BV LEWIS MATHEWS
The Tanana River, with its wide flood basin, runs through central Alaska, between Tok and Fairbanks.
feel like part of the family. One of
the kindest was always Mary Ann
MacCammon. When she heard I w as
planning a trip to Alaska, she insisted
I look up her daughter, Pat Mogford,
and her grandson, Walker Wheeler.
Before 1 even rode out of Hondo,
it was reassuring to know that at the
end of the road I would meet a couple
of friendly faces.
It was as nice as I imagined. They
took me out for a good dinner. We
) talked about all the people in com-
mon we knew back home, how I
ended up in Japan, and they in
Alaska.
Pat told me she owned a small
rental property, which currently had
a vacant apartment. She said I could
use it as a home base as long as 1 was
in the area. This was an unexpected
surprise and truly appreciated.
After dinner, Pat went home. How -
ever. Walker took me to his favorite
honky-tonk where I experienced a
weird cultural juxtaposition. It was
country and western karaoke night!
But in a strange wav. I felt right at
home.
Caribou wander along the road-
ways in Alaska, much like the deer
in this oart of the country.
Lewis’ chosen path:
Sept. 4: Tok, Alaska -- AK 2 --
Fairbanks, Alaska (210 mi.)
THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE EVERYWHERE ... Autry and Peggy
Been took a moment to read the Anvil Heraldiw front of a McDonalds
during their trip to Moscow, Russia in August.
Quihi Gun Club, Inc.
invites its members (only) to the
Annual
Sunday, Oct. 27 • 8 a.m. - noon
BBQ meal will be served to members and
their immediate family from 1-3 p.m.
Club group picture will be taken at 3 p.m.
Please respond by October 22 if you plan to attend
the BBQ meal by calling 830-426-2859 or 741-2851.
You may also mail your response to
Clyde Muennink, Secy. - Treas.
1333 CR 456, Hondo, TX 78861
Visit the Hondo Anvil Herald
online at
hondoanvilherald.com
Club Impact’s teen mother program begins today
“A New Beginning for Teen Moms"
starts tonight w ith registration and re-
freshments beginning at 6:30 p.m.
with the program starting at 7 p.m.
Classes will include: child train-
ing for infants and toddlers, building
self-esteem, educational options.
open discussions, and building a
faith-based foundation
All classes are free of charge and all teen
moms are encouraged to attend. Child care
and transportation are also available at no
cost. Please call Michelle or Martha at
Club Impact 426-TEEN (8336).
St John's
Carnival
Thurs, Oct 31 • 3:30 pjn.
St John's Church Grounds * 2104 Ave. J
Costume Contest 5:30
Pood 8c
Sweet Booths
Same Booths
Pun for All Ages!
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Hondo Anvil Herald (Hondo, Tex.), Vol. 116, No. 42, Ed. 1 Thursday, October 17, 2002, newspaper, October 17, 2002; Hondo, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth818666/m1/23/: accessed July 17, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Hondo Public Library.