The J-TAC (Stephenville, Tex.), Ed. 1 Thursday, May 9, 1985 Page: 5 of 23
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May 9, 1985
J-TAC, Page 5
joe bob goes to the drive in
i!
* :
Joe Bob reviews
'Barbarian Queen
Last week I drove up to Tulsa to
visit with Oral Roberts and see if
he could bring me back from the
grave. Oral wasn't in, so I had to
talk to Oral's unsaved half brother,
Anal Roberts, and all Anal could
tell me was if I got somebody to lay
hands on me I could probly keep on
writing about the drive-in for all the
newspapers in Salinas, Kansas,
plus one dimwit in North Carolina
that thinks I'm Tyrone Biggs, the
champeen boxer.
I told Anal I wouldn't have no
problem getting somebody to lay
hands on me, specially if I could
locate the Nookie Sisters of
Boulder, Colorado, but then Anal
told me they'd have to lay hands on
my HEAD, and I RECOILED IN
HORROR. I told him that was the
most disgusting thing I ever heard
and I wasn't gonna have anything
to do with it. I've heard of pieople
gettin turned into vegetables from
trying stuff like that.
Course, Anal was furious, cause
it's illegal to recoil in public in
Tulsa. So I fired up the Toronado
and hauled it on up to Kansas City
to talk to my new high sheriffs and
find out how many of my First
Amendment rights been violated.
The reason I knew I had some
First Amendments was Rhett
Beavers showed up at the trailer to
tell me about em. "Joe Bob," he
told me, "it's against the Constitu-
tion to kill you unless you're a
Communist.''
I told Rhett I might be dead but
I wasn't no Communist.
He said, "No, really, you got to
talk to Bubba Barclay and see what
you can do about getting yourself
a First Amendment."
So I went over to Bubba
Barclay's law office and make-
believe photo ID service and I said
to Bubba, "Goldurn it, I'm declar-
ing the First Amendment."
'' And Bubba said', '"What?" !'
And I said, "I want some First
Amendment rights right now,
before the 86 models come in."
And then Bubba and me had a big
fight over Bubba's legal fees, cause
Bubba said it'd take him a whole
hour just to look up the First
Amendment in the Krankaway
County Law Journal and see what
it was. But finally I gave in and
agreed to fork over the full two
bucks. It was the principal of the
thing.
The way it turned out, Rhett
Beavers was right. Bubba looked
up the First Amendment, and it said
I have the ' 'right to bare arms.'' A
lot of people don't understand the
U. S. Constitution, and so they read
that and they say, "Hey, all that
means is you can wear muscle
shirts to a Nea! Diamond concert."
These are what is- known in
America as stupid people.
The right to wear muscle shirts
to a Neil Diamond concert is
guaranteed by the 22ND Amend-
ment. But the right to bare arms
means I can own a .22 rifle if I
want to.
Course, you know what happens
ever time a drive-in movie critic
gets assassinated. SOMEBODY
starts screamin for gun control. But
I think the First Amendment's pret-
ty clear on the matter, and I don't
wanna see any more jacking around
with our God-given constitutional
rights to discriminate against
ourselves. Is that clear? I thought
so.
One other thing I found out from
Bubba is the 94th Amendment;
"the right to be obnoxious." Lots
of people take this right for
granted. They go around being ob-
noxious, not even thinkin about the
people less fortunate than us, in
countries where you have to get
PERMISSION to be obnoxious.
Like one thing I could do to be ob-
noxious would be to tell everbody
to take their pickups down to the
Dallas Cirimes Herald and honk
their horns till somebody came out,
but I want it understood that I do
NOT want any such display. That
would be unfair to the descendants
of Lee Harvey Oswald that killed
me last week. We don't need any
JACK RUBYS going down there
and depriving those people of their
right to a long and embarrassing
public humiliation.
Speaking of public humiliation,
the star of "Barbarian Queen" is
this Malibu beach bunny named
Lana Clarkson that went down to
Argentina and took sword lessons
from somebody named Jose. Lana
has arms like a couple of No. 2
Faber pencils, but that's cause all
the beef is concentrated somewhere
else, if you know what I mean and
I think you do. Lana was
discovered by the King of the
Drive-in, Roger Corman, producer
of more than 200 drive-in movies,
{ WW*
wrnrn
Lana Clarkson of 'Barbarian Queen' shows what editors have done to Jue Bob
who's been down in Argentina say-
ing, "Hey, gimme 10 pesos and I'll
let you be a piece of furniture in my
movie." The result, as we all
know, is "Barbarian Queen."
We start off, as usual, with some
Invading Hordes. This time the In-
vading Hordes carry off a few
virgins, rape some tribal mothers,.
fire a few slow-motion arrows
through the head, burn some bam-
boo, and pretty much turn the
jungle into suburban Newark. The
Barbarian Queen escapes in a canoe
with a couple other ancient bimbo
tribeswomen that wear Mary Kay
Cosmetics, but first she has to clob-
ber six Meskin guys with a card-
board sword. Finally the B.Q.
speaks: "I'll be no man's slave and
no man's whore."
Next thing, we got the Journey
(where one of the bimbos starts
having rape-mares),then, course,
we got the Soothsayer (blind old
lady), then another gratuitous gang
rape that's necessary to the plot,
then the Fortress City (which looks
exactly like the Fortress City in
"The Warrior and the Sorceress"),
and then, finally, the scene we're
all waiting for: Torture City.
Pretty decent torturer in this one.
"You know," he says, "pain is a
wonderful thing. You are much too
beautiful a girl to let yourself be
broken into food for the royal dogs.
When I command you to strip your
garment off, you do as I say!" But
it's pretty soon after that that we get
Mr. Body Grease,the gladiator, to
come along and ruin everbody's
fun.
It's no "Conan the Barbarian
II," but it's got what it takes,
namely: Forty-six breasts, in-
cluding two on the male lead.
Thirty-one dead bodies. Heads roll.
Head spills. Three gang rapes.
Women in chains. Orgy. Salve-girl
sharing. One bird's nest bra. The
diabolical garbonza torture. Sword
fu. Torch fu, Thigh fu (You have
to see it to believe it). Driv^-In
Academy Award nominations for
Lana Clarkson, for saying "I'll be
no man's slave and no man's
whore!" with feeling, and Hector
Olivera, the best drive-in director
in Argentina. Roger Corman, the
King of the Drive-In, is back,
Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
COPYRIGHT i$(5 JOE BOB
BRIGGS
DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVER-
SAL PRESS SYNDICATE
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Kan. 66205-Phone 913-362-1523
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The J-TAC (Stephenville, Tex.), Ed. 1 Thursday, May 9, 1985, newspaper, May 9, 1985; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth141593/m1/5/: accessed May 1, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Tarleton State University.