Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 96, No. 08, Ed. 1 Thursday, January 24, 2002 Page: 3 of 4
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V.
Opinions
—
January 24, 2002
Megaphone ushers in a brave new era with LSD
Erin Nau
Opinions Editor
This week, the Megaphone expe-
rienced a good old-fashioned polit-
ical coup, as former Arts and
Entertainment Editor Lindsay Dold
assumed the Megathrone as Editor-
in-Chief that she has long coveted.
Suspicions ran high last semester
when Lindsay was witnessed cut-
ting out all pictures of then Editor-
in-Chief Sara Gray from the leftover
yearbooks. However, it wasn’t until
yesterday that the horrible truth was
finally revealed.
Upon our arrival at the Mega-
phone office, we editors found Dold
sitting in a monogrammed director’s
chair, drinking a martini and smok-
ing a gold-t^ped cigarette.
When asked why she was smok-
ing inside, Dold coolly announced
that she was in charge now and that
the office would be “smoking only.”
And in case any of us doubted her
intentions, we were told, “if your
poor little lungs can’t take it, you
can go home to your mama. If you
don’t like it, stick it!”
So how exactly was Dold able to
implement her new reign of terror?
“Well, I had planned this takeover
for some time. In fact, I'd been
thinking about it since my sopho-
more year when 1 was just the resi-
dent Megaphone movie geek.”
Timing was key to Dold’s
scheme. After spending a year rele-
gated to the lowly world of Arts and
Entertainment, Dold saw an oppor-
tunity for advancement last semester
when Sara Gray became Editor-In-
Chief. Dold realized in Gray an
Achilles’ heel that would prove vital
to her plan for Megadomination.
“Ok, here’s how it went down,”
She candidly told me. “Sara’s a real
sweet girl, but she’s not the smart-
est cookie in the batch. She likes to
brag about being a Women’s Stud-
ies major, but she once told me that
the only reason she signed on for
that degree w;-is because she thought
that she would get to study ‘wom-
en’s issues like cooking, cleaning,
sewing and faking orgasms'. Know-
ing this, I decided to use Sara’s
domestic sensibilities against her.
nr
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Left: A still from Linday Dold’s production of Taxi Driver: The Musical (1990). Right: Lindsay revels in her editorial glory.
Photos by Lindsay Dold and Erin Nau
All I had to do was tell her that
there was a shiny, new sewing
machine and bolt of calico fabric
with her name on it waiting in
the maintenance closet down the
nail. Off she skipped, singing in a
Doris Day-like voice, ‘Boys like
girls who can sew! I’m gonna
get myself a beau!’ Once she was
securely tucked away inside the
closet, I locked the door with my
master key. She’s been in there for
a few days now, I guess.”
While it’s true that Dold is
an evil genius, she couldn’t have
accomplished such a feat without
the help of some key players. Cris
Roach, newly appointed News
Editor, is among those making up
Dold’s inner circle. “It’s been my
job to help subdue any resistance
to the MegaDold regime,” she
boasts. “Few people know this,
blit I used to work for the Ukrai
man Mafia back in Amarillo. Since
I’ve been at Southwestern, I’ve
had little opportunity to use my
lethal skills—until now. Nothing
pleases me more than breaking
kneecaps on behalf of my Dark
Overlord, Lindsay.”
Roach adamantly denies that her
new prestigious status as News
Editor is the result of Megaphone
patronage. “The Megaphone is a
meritocracy damnit! 1 met Lindsay
back in her youth before we
embarked upon what you might cal!
a failed production of Taxi Driver:
The Musical. Evidently the world
was not yet ready for the theatrical
greatness that Lindsay exhibited,
and we knew then that print media
would be the perfect vehicle for her
uber-evil. Lindsay recognized my
obvious talents, and therefore, sev-
eral years later, has blessed me with
this editorship. Favoritism has abso-
lutely nothing to do with it.”
Also among Dold’s toadies is
Copy Editor/Megaphone Bitch
Bonnie Casson. Casson’s hard work
and high pain threshold have obvi-
ously helped Dold get where she is
today, though Dold, in typical dicta-
torial fashion, was quick to deny her
importance to the regime. “Bonnie
is only on staff because she is verti-
cally challenged and the MegaDold
regime believes in diversity. After
all, what would Willy have been
without his Oompa Loompas?”
Dold had choice words about
the other Megaphone editors as
well. “Erin Nau is pretty smart
for a blonde, but then again, she
smells reallv bad. Whv do vou
think I made the office ‘smoking
only?’ It’s to get her B.O. stank
out of the carpet!”
Of Features Editor Scott
Rocher, Dold remarked, “I like
him as an editor, but a camera-
man? Come on! Why do you think
his digital camera got stolen? I’m
not saying that I know who did it,
but let’s just say that I have some
really great home videos on my
shelf now.”
Dold is no less harsh on Photo
Editor Allen Cote. “ That straight-
laced, pretty boy makes me sick!
He’s always brushing his hair and
second-guessing my affinity for
printing offensive material.”
Apparently Sports Editor
Manuel Jovel also angers the
great dictator, as she quite eagerly
bashed him for being “a physical
weakling witn no innate writing
talent.”
However, Backpage Editor Jeff
Fowler received the brunt of Dold’s
verbal aggression. “He is such a
buzzkill. Stone sober all the time....
Why can’t he just stop being a little
priss and give into debauchery like
I do?”
While there is no question that
Dold’s tyrannical rule promises to
be relentless in its stifling of per-
sonal expression, several of the
Megaphone editors voiced their
opinions about her during a rebel
staff meeting held in the chapel.
Charlotte Hardin spoke first, qui-
etly muttering, “I smell the darkness
of McCarthyism in the beginning
of this totalitarian regime. God save
us all.”
Manuel Jovel, always one to kiss
the dirty ass of power, declared, “In
the end, Sara Jane Gray was just
not evil enough. She was corrupt,
but she was the Pepsi One of evil.
It is so refreshing (no pun intended)
i.> have an hditor-in-Chiet who
gives me the pain that I so rightly
deserve.”
Scott Rocher, giving in to his
feminine side, whispered through
a veil of tears, “She’s never made
us feel special-—all she does is talk
down to us. Maybe that is why I
fear her.”
Mandy Shelton, new Copy
Editor and self-declared Mafia prin-
cess, was quite positive about the
whole ordeal “ !’m actually quite
fond of Lindsay. 1 needed some
sort of structure in my life, and she
has provided that for me. I take the
classes she tells me to take, I drink
and smoke when she, tells me to,
and she determines my friends and
enemies for me.”
Ending the conversation was
Jeff Fowler, drunk for the first time
in his life. “ I’d have to say that
Lindsay is a great leader with great
communication skills—if a great
leader is a future middle-aged alco-
holic burnout, and great communi-
cation can be achieved by putting
out one’s cigarettes into people’s
skin.”
That said, most of the Mega-
phone siaft plans to stand behind
their new leader—owing to a com-
plete lack of alternate employment
prospects. And despite the potential
for an iron-fisted rule, the future
looks bright here at the Megaphone.
At least, that’s what Lindsay told
me to say.
r 1
;.l
New fraternity security measures
Benjamin Bush
Special to the Megaphone
UNDISCF OSED SOURCE
LEAKS INFORMATION
ABOUT FUTURE FRATER-
NITY SECURITY MEA-
SURES IN THE FACE OF
TERRORIST THREAT.
Tuesday, January 22, an undis-
closed source leaked a classified
document to the press (printed in
edited full below) which details
aspects of a plan by an Interna-
tional Fraternity to guard its mem-
bers against terrorist attack.
The fraternity has apparently con-
structed an underground bunker of
unknown location designed to pro-
tect against possible terrorist or
rogue-state offensives.
However, the bunker seems to
only have room for a limited number
of members. Thus, the upper-
eschalons of the fraternal order have
been vested with the difficult task
of deciding who will be allowed
protection in the event of nuclear,
chemical, or biological warfare.
The leaked document, entitled
“The Ultimate Bid Session,” comes
from a leadership manual.
“The Ultimate Bid Session”
apparently functions as a training,
exercise for this fraternity's leader-
ship to hone their skills of discern-
ment and discrimination in deciding
what type of personal 'traits best suit
practiced have always been a cor-
nerstone of America’s greatness
and prosperity,” remarked Direc-
tor of Homeland Security Gov.
Tom Ridge.
“We must strive as a nation to
protect these values.” Gov. Ridge
went on to decline to answer an
inquiry regaurding rumored CIA
cooperation in the implementation
of such a security plan.
Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfeld took a more confron-
tational stance against the source
of the leaked documents, stress-
ing the possible threat to national
security.
_______Addressing the anonymous
source, “1 don’t care if you’re a
leaky insider, a leaky outsider, or
even a leaky garbage bag, if you
think that by releasing these sen-
sitive documents you are in any
way bolstering American free-
dom or security, you are either
uninformed, under-informed, or
misinformed,” Rumsfeld roared,
pounding the podium three times
to accentuate each subtle yet dif-
ferent type of informedness-defi-
ciency.
President Bush was unavail-
able for comment.
The following is the [edited]
document in full:
' I
. . 1 I
THE ULTIMATE BID SESSION
I ■' • • v
i It is^the start of Fall semester,
August 20, 2002. Due to terrorist
activity [our] International Frater-
nity has announced that it will be
think will best carry on [our] tradi-
tion. Your decision must be unani-
Sam McCluer-We’ve recruited
him since the first of summer. Nice
looking guy. Quiet, Mr. Inner-City
Atlanta Public Schools, president of
his student body, all city quarter-
back, ACT: 25. His girlfriend is an
ADPi. Talks kind of sweet.
Peter-Paul-Mark-John Mat-
thews - Eagle Scout, wire frame
glasses, Dolly Madison Good Cit-
izen Award. ACT: 32, member
of Young Americans for Christian
Beliefs, reads his Bible nightly.
number 2 tennis player in the state.
Quiet and shy. Didn’t come to any
recruitment parties because he was
working for a camp for underprivi-
leged children.
Tommy Toker - Another out-
standing prospect. Tremendous
sense of humor. Knows many girls.
Plays guitar very well. President
of his senior class in high school.
ACT: 29. Editor of the school paper.
The word is, however, that he might
smoke weed.
Billy Bob Adams - Will do any
kind of worn you ask him to. He won
four science fairs in high school.
Comes from a strong [alumni] town.
He showed up for the first recruit-
ment party with a plaid shirt, plaid
pants and dread locks. Was all con-
ference in basketball.
■’ ■ i . i
Victor Circumstance - Out-
standing recruit with unlimited
an individual to proudly carry forth
the brotherly-torch t hrough the apoc-
alypse and beyond. In uneasy and the best and brightest of our frater-
uncertain times such as these, this is
4 :
’ v i # no light responsibility.
v “Fraternal values such as those
* ?•- - * c &.*■'*-*' \ • • v&fji
m
is
the first fraternity to offer a safe potential. Dark, curly hair and dark
shelter for its members. , skin give him somewhat of a
There’s only room for seven of Mediterranean look. Hi? father has
been investigated and indicted for
nity to be guaranteed admittance, gambling deals. Mr. Johnson City
Before They Were Stars.
• .pi
Fr6m the list of recruits below, you
must select those seven who you
gpl
SU
I
High School, ACT 28, state diving
champ.
ii ■
m
Harry Newman - We just met
Harry and boy is he sharp. From
look, he appears real preppy. The
[other frats] have all offered him
bids.
Jack Smith Sixth genera-
tion. Great-Great-Great-grandson
of Ardival Walker Rodgers. Jack
has 33 [alumni] relatives. He holds
the original Bond, and we can only
keep it if he pledges.
Kack E. Polo - His friends
call him “Gator” Selected Best
Dressed High School Senior.
DresSes perfectly, Took* nice, a
champion with the ladies. ACT:
20. No athletic ability. Couldn’t hit
a nail straight in the wall if his life
depended on it.
Wilson Voit Spalding - In
four years of high school, Wilson
received 20 varsity letters - four
each for football, track, basketball,
baseball, and tennis. He’s 6’3”,
215 lbs., and runs a 4.5 forty. Was
all conference in four sports. Won
state decathlon. ACT: 15. Heavy
acne. Drives a purple, 1990 min-
ivan. Father and two uncles are
[alumni].
Lucius Cincinattus LeFlore
Davis Lamar, IV - L.C. Lamar
is from Bayou LaTrash, Louisi-
ana. His uncle is Old Tom Lamar,
the State senator. The Lamars own
60,000 acres in three civil parishes.
Never have to worry about this
boy borrowing money. Has been
known to drink Southern Comfort
ffom 1:00pm Friday to 5:00pm j
Sunday.
' ' ?r)r n i
!»,.* t, • • ) / 1
For questions concerning
this unusual article, please l yj
conact Editor Erin Nau at
x8423 or naue@sou... .
v
Can you guess which SU
faculty member this cute kid
grew up to be?
Here are some hints:
- She wansn’t born in Texas, but she got
here as fast as she could.
\, .. . /
- That is her real hair color.
n >!
• She worshipsIsocrates.
Hsli JfcfS' ' *•.
. ...................
Please send guesses to naue@southwestern.edu.
You could win a prizes. H
MupT
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;-A‘
.Li&a
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Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 96, No. 08, Ed. 1 Thursday, January 24, 2002, newspaper, January 24, 2002; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth634513/m1/3/: accessed April 27, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Southwestern University.