Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 96, No. 08, Ed. 1 Thursday, January 24, 2002 Page: 4 of 4
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January 24, 2002
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The Finest in'Bathroom Reading
In a sea of sameness, one student stands out
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Clayton Norman
Beat Reporter
While most seniors at SU
are busy worrying about
|ob interviews, graduation,
and spending a final semes-
ter with their friends before
heading out into the real
world, Jay Frank is worried
about a slightly different
matter: the aching desire to
consume the still warm flesh
of his peers.
Frank, who has been a good-
natured and fun loving addi-
tion to life at SI I since
•
his freshman year, has
recently become a flesh-eat-
ing zombie filled with an
uncontrollable desire to rend
the flesh of those around
him and eat it. This need
has already resulted in sev-
eral deaths, and as Frank’s
hunger grows the statistics
can only get worse.
Reaction to Frank’s meta-
morphosis into the living
un-dead has been mixed.
“Man, I used to really dig
Jay,” said senior Erie
Seegers a friend of Frank’s.
“But now all he does is
say ‘uggghhhhh’ or ’aaggga-
haghagahhhahaaaaa’ and eat
people. It’s pretty weird.”
Nick Hirsch, another
acquaintance of Frank’s
said:”Jay’s still cool. He’s
just, you know, going
through a lot. He’s still fun
to hang out with and do
stuff. I mean, yeah, he does
get kind of weird when he’s
eatin’ somebody, but we all
gotta have a little go-juice in
our bellies, right?”
Frank first became a zombie
when he returned to his
hometown of Mansfield,
Texas near Fort Worth over
winter break There, while
visiting friends and family
Jay met a Haitian voodoo
priest who, after being asked
repeatedly by Frank to
“make [him] into one of
those [zombie] dudes off of
Thriller”, cut out Frank’s
heart and fed it to the spirit-
saint of a nearby oak tree.
The voodoo master then
stuffed Frank’s body with a
mixture of hay, bat’s blood,
eye of newt, crumbled up
Oreo cookies, and cow dung
placing a single hem i-siiaped
stone in Frank’s stomach to
assure that the zombie would
forever lust for the taste of
human blood. After being
sewn shut Frank was then
reanimated by the invoca-
tion of the spirit Guazu-
namtati, Demon-Prince
of the Undead.
“We’re very concerned
about Jay,” said Frank’s
mother Maudeene Frank
at a press conference
held New Year’s Day.
“He is a very confusing
time in his life, and
seems to have taken a
wrong turn at life’s
crossroads by becoming
a soldier in the legions
of the un-dead.”
“Zombie-ism is not- a
lifestyle we approve of,
but we still love our son
dearly and want him to
come home and not try
to eat us,” said Frank’s
father, Hanz, at the same
press conference.
Frank’s condition is also
of some concern on the
SU campus. At an
emergency meeting held
Monday afternoon,
members of the admin-
istration and SUPD dis-
cussed measures to be
taken against Frank, who
has already devoured
two students and one
professor (the names of
the victims have not
been released).
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The President of the newlv-formed SU Zombie Awareness Club.
Brooks Wilson/Megaphone Staff
“Due to the nature of Mr.
Frank’s zombieosity we are
not quite sure what course
of action should be taken
to investigate and possibly
punish his actions” said a* *
spokesperson for the admin-
istration. “We are inves-
tigating several options
including destroying Mr.
Frank and/or expulsion.”
SURD officers have been
at the highest state of alert
since news of the Frank’s
unyielding desire to eat
all those around him. “We
have been repeatedly view-
ing Sam Raimi's classic
zombie movies The Evil
Dead and The Evil Dead
2 so that if and when we
have take action against
the zombie menace we will
know exactly how to per-
form.” said SUPD chief
Deborah Brown.
In a further statement, the
SU spokesperson indicated
that before any action could
be taken against Frank,
zombie specialists would be
consulted. “Michael Jack-
son, due to his close work
with zombies on the set
of Thriller is being flown
to SU as a special advisor
to the administration. He
will be on 24-hour call
throughout the duration of
the zombie conundrum.”
When reached for com-
ment Frank lurched drunk-
enly towards the inter-
viewers with his arms
locked and held straight
in front of him saying:
“Aararrghhahghfffm
mooophfaammmgggaarr-
makaphoooozzzz
ggurrgflemkloptgarmrr”
For more information,
contact Clayton Norman at
normanc@southwestem.edu
Time past due for new SU tradition
J i l l Fowler
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h
Editor and Chief
Call me a “traditional” guy.
That is to say, I am a guy
who likes traditions. Actu-
ally, why don’t you go ahead
and call me a “traditions
guy." Now I wouldn’t be a
“traditions guy” if I didn’t
like traditions.
Wait, I think I already said
that.
Traditions fill me up with
such a powerful feeling of
positive goodness that I
think it would be tough or
impossible for your aver-
age, “non-traditions guy” to
fully comprehend it.
Its something you just have
to experience for yourself.
I LOVE! traditions. My
family is ripe with them.
For example, for as long as
I can remember, whenever
my cousins or I would visit
our grandparents’ house, our
gram^lpa has invited us to
jump on his back while he’s
on all fours for a game of
“Buckin’ Grampa.” It is a
tradition that continues to
this day. Just this Christmas,
during a particularly fierce
game of “Buckin’ Grampa,”
my grampa (who is now 74
years old) bucked me right
up into a damn tree.
One tradition among my
friends and I is to not work
out. We avoid exercise like
G.W. avoids books. We just
don’t do it. We do not lift
weights, we do not run, and
we certainly don’t ever live
above the 1st floor. We had
to kick our friend Jimmy out
of the group for doing crys-
tal meth, on account of him
violating the rule against
activities that raise the heart
rate. That’s how seriously
we take the tradition.
One of my personal tradi-
tions is strong scholarship. I
pride myself on being one of
the great academic heavy-
weights of my era. My polit-
ical science capstone paper,
“The Drug War: The Rise
and Rise of Bureaucratic
Power,” landed me a Nobel
Prize nomination, and has
been instrumental in the
Bush administrations’ 180
degree turnaround on the
nation’s drug policy. Count-
ies^ thousands of political
prisoners have been freed,
and all the silly laws written
for a coalition of ignorant,
reactionary parehts, cops,
and politicians have been
tijm "Vr,
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sent to the moon.
SU is steeped in tra-
dition. I can’t think of
what any of them are,
but 1 know we have
some. Let’s see, SU stu-
dents have always...
(Time lapse: 30 min-
utes)
Okay. Look, we all know
all about all the SU
traditions, so I’m not
going to talk about all
of them. I’ll just say
that my favorite SU tra-
dition, hands-down, is
Flip-Flop Day. For those
of you who are unfa-
miliar, Flip-Flop Day is
the last Friday of April.
All student, faculty, and
sjtaff (earning over $25
thousand) are invited to
wear flip-flops all day. It
is quite a day! (Oh, what
a day!) Wherever you
go, all day long, you hear
flip-flops flip-flopping-
flopping-flopping. This
year will be my last Flip-
Flop Day, and it is with
a mixture of pride and
sadness that I am prepar-
ing to go out in search of
a new pair of flip-flops.
. -D .1, . Jp. 1
It Seems like only yester-
. <tay that I was being initi-
ated during my first Flip-
, *% * V* -H
Flop Day. That’s where
the Seniors make the First-
years recite a series of
tongue twisters, each more
devilishly twisted than the
last. When you screw up,
the Seniors pelt you with
insults, such as “Chicken
Head,” “Patriarchal Pig,”
or “Pimple-faced prickly-
pared bear.”
Another fantastic SU tra-
dition is the annual “Tin
the tail on the Dean” tour-
nament held each year in
early February. The event
raises money for the “Little
Cyborg Achiever Scholar-
ship Fund,” which supports
students that are legally
half human, half robot. Tra-
ditionally, cyborgs’ career
opportunities were limited
to duty with law enforce-
ment or military commando
teams. That’s all changing
now, thanks to this schol-
arship fund. It has given
young cyborgs a chance to
go to SU. This SU edu-
cation has in turn helped
fives of cyborg students find
careers in teaching, retail
sales, and coljege teach-
ing.
.*. L'rtu/"M*
When studying SU, one
quickly notices all of its
strong points: impeccable
lawn maintenance, over
1
40% of the students under-
stand the grammatical rules
of English, and our estab-
lished national dominance
in the proud s’port of roll-
ing.
After some more intense
scrutiny, however, SU’sone
glaring hole could proba-
bly be seen from space. I
honestly don’t know how
we’ve gone this long with-
I aim to do something about
it. This, above all else, may
be my greatest legacy at
SU. The problem I am talk-
ing about of course is the
fact that SU has no Prom
King or Prom Queen. Yeah,
it’s true. There are no nom-
inations, no court, no pop-
ular vote. Surely, you all
see that this is something
which must be corrected
immediately. How else are
we supposed to know who
the most popular people in
school are year-in and year-
out if We don’t have a Prom
King and Prom Queen??? I
can’t think of a better way.
/T: >•; 'TN'xS'k '
My vision of the Prom King
is an.individual committed
to being popular. He or
she must possess that fare
combination of looks, per-
sonality, and money that
separates the super-popular
from the merely popular.
This individual should have
a good sense of humor, a
flair for attention, and run
a good time in the 100m
dash.
I see the Prom Queen, first
and foremost, as someone
who can roll a great blunt.
I’m talking about that spe-
cial kind where smoking
it sends you back to those
picking wildflowers with
your mother. S/he should
also make popularity a pri-
ority, perhaps even a bor-
derline compulsion. Extra
points will be awarded to
candidates who can put on
a delightful finger-puppet
show.
I guess we’ll have elec-
tions in March or April. So,
if you want to nominate
someone for Prom King or
Prom Queen, please email
me with their name, the
position you are nominat-
ing them for, and the rea-
sons why you believe that
they should hold the distin-
guished title of Prom King
or Prom Queen.
. M •• i <' .i* ■■ -i'11
My email address is
fowleij@southwestem.edu
Please make “Prom King/
Queen” the subject line.
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Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 96, No. 08, Ed. 1 Thursday, January 24, 2002, newspaper, January 24, 2002; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth634513/m1/4/: accessed April 27, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Southwestern University.