El Paso Herald (El Paso, Tex.), Ed. 1, Monday, February 1, 1915 Page: 9 of 12
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TO tay Bluntly that Marshall P. Wilder who died v
a few days ago made more theatre-goers laugh than
any other humorist of the last decade would be '
stating the simple truth. A month ago that statement
might have been looked upon as a press notice but now
it goes as a tribute to trie ability perseverance and op-
timism of the little dwarf whose humor has brightened the
whole world. England knew him as well as America did
and' he toured thq globe several times.
He was eminently successful on the stage and when
away from the footlights he made it his business to keep
everyone around him In good humor. At the end of every
letter and on every photograph he autographed he never
failed to sign himself "Merrily Yours." And he was not
always feeling so merry at that. Nature as Wilder used to
say himself was not In particularly good mood when she
made him. .He was a dwarf and a hunchback and suffered
considerably trom physical ills. But the broad smile never
came off. It was as if he handed Nature the laugh and
said "What do I care if you have handicapped me this way.
I'll do more good and bring more sunshine into your world
than most folks upon'whom you have lavished your fa-
vors." And he dWr
'He billed himself as "The Prince of Entertainers and the
Entertainer of Princes." And while some performers took
exceptions to that classification Wilder always delivered
the goods.
You have heard him tell some of these stories before
but they wilt bear repeating.
The Johnny's Point of View.
OTHERS A a good deal of talk about the" English being slow
to appreciate a Joke. 1 have not found that to be the case
at all. although one Englishman did come to me for an explana-
tion after I fetid made the remark that 'I dreamed one night that
I was dead but It was so hot that I woke up.'
""I beg yottr pardon Mr. Wilder he said 'but it must be
deuced hot la your country.' '
Afraid He Would.
A FRIEND of raise was raffling oft a clonk. He approached an
" Irishman asd urged Mm to take a fchance on the timepiece.
"No" aatd the IritcmaB. "Ol'U not take It Ol hov no use for
a clock aftd wouldn't know what to do with It if 01 had it."
"Oh merer mind" eame the reply in a reassuring voice. "Take
& chance; you may not get H."
Nat Goodwin Turns the Tables.
THE little teoghmaker made a big English hit by telling a
story that ran. like this:
"Oh yes that reminds me; the night before I left New York
I went to my phone and rang up Central. Ting a ling. 'What-
number? 'Gimme the Hoffman House bar.' 'Ting a ling; hello.'
'"Hello Is that the Hoffman bar?'
" 'Yes.' 1
"'Is Mr. Nat Goodwin there?'
"'Yes.'
"'That's very strange! Good by.'"
This little tale exolted the British rlsihles to the point of
hysterical hilarity and Marshall never failed to score with it
especially If Nat Goodwin were one of the party.
The humor of the thing rather palled upon Nat for one even-
ing at the Becentric Club Nat'sturn as a raconteur preceded
Marshall's and our flambouyant haired comedian told a little
story himself.
"Ah. yes that reminds me. The night before i left New York
I called up Central oa the telephone and asked for the Hoffman
House bar. 'Ting a 'ing a ling. Is that' the Hoffman House bar?'
"'Yes.'
" Is MarshaH P. Wilder there?"
"'Yes '
"'Is 'he buying anything?'
"'Yes.'
"'Thafs very strange! Good by.'".
Then Time to Stir.
THOMAS EDISON once set out to
nvent a perfect coffee machine
suitable to use In camps or on hunt-
ing trips. Asking the advice of a
former guide as to the requirements
of such a thing the man who was a
Swede gave him this recipe:
"Der ban only von vay to cook
coffee. Tak von trip Into voods up
on Flambeau River; build fire rid
pltchpine knots; put von quart water
and two handful coffee lc coffee pot.
and sit on cover so Bhe can't boll
over. Ven cover .get too hot for pants
coffee she done."
Complete the Illusion.
A MATTER of etiquette will often
puziete people like the young
lady who at a.bwakfast party sat
next to Mr. Joseph Choate. She had
the misfortune to spill an sgg-o& the
floor and was greatly embarrassed.
"Oh. Mr. Choate" she whispered
appealing to his greater experience
tn social matters "what shall I do!
I've dropped an egg on the floor."
"Well if I were you" said the iro
presslble Mr. Choate who could nt
resist the opportunity "If I were youi
I think I'd cackle."
. ' Jokes On Himself.
MANY Jokes have been played upon me hy Inti-
mate friends. I remember Elbert Hubbard
the well-known American journalist once took me
from Chicago to New York on a half-ticket When
the conductor came round and Elbert handed him
the tickets he looked at me then at Hubbard and
said:
"How old is your son?"
- "He is seven right enough" answered Hubbard
and gazed out of the window indifferently.
"He needs a shave" remarked the conductor as
he punched the tickets and started on.
Hubbard stopped the conductor. "If you think
the little fellow is over age" he said "why don't
you ask me to pay full fare for him?"
"Well" he said "it is like this. I thought that
any one who had as much cheek as you two havd
should be rewarded."
But it was carrying a Joke too far I thought at
the time although It made me chuckle afterward
when Elbert walked Into the dining car tied a
napkin under my chin lifted me into a high chair
and ordered a waiter to give me a bowl of bread
and milk while he sat opposite and ordered .fried
chicken and everything nice on the bill-of-fare.
i mBf11 TtiTiBrffsiiBBwTti B&Em&SE i mh&z SSlBflflicSfliBiBs? r 4MrTC?HiifliH 1 Wp Azafi '-c' i&&l&&ikiumSBi&fr&!r7 jf$HEIS5pKi9HiifliiiiHiiiiiflii. KBBSSsSwSBBSw fyfh0&EBEr!KK
BBpBKMsLHHB5!iMBMiBasfjSOT xKl HsKsr r"y HKr
5MMBHltt8BHBKiBOTK35BBgffi sfirai&EiHBBHBH a
mmMB&i&mimMmmmsm&mwmmagmmm j
mg Wilderisms
KMKMrmsSB l ls true that nature P" s
Mmmfr'PmrSBr a couple of feet under me
WgBplMy but she left a couple of
jSMtmSmBF feet off at the top.
JMJMb8BI "The oubway is certainly
BPaiBjlwP great convenience. It
jSBPHb comes in mighty handy
HgyEajE'MI sometimes. It allows you
nHHgSHHL to get to Brooklyn without
HBSalfflllSlBBBW being seen."
Bmsmttffl&a&SBUWSSMUm "For Inztanee." ha alrf. A
TaMgMMBaySSBHK8WWlBBBilMi
nwsaps1' SMQiaiKS
Marshall P. Wilder When Somebody
Started to Tell an Old One.
Wilder always claimed
that it was harder to make
the English mind see the
point of a story than .the
American.
"For Instance" he said
"1 fisver tell them a veiled
story nJjatutday night
because I do not"V.'23t to
work them too hard wR.
Sunday."
Of course all of my
stories do not appeal to
everybody but a few of my
stories do seem to hit
everybody alike such as
the story about the Irish-
man who aimed at a bird
and hit a frog. Picking It
upjie looked surprised but
said:
."Well anyhow 1 knocked
the feathers off of It."
At a time when tho
- Gerry Society was particu-
larly active a friend of
Wllder's saw him hiding
in a doorway in Times
Square. "I'm -afraid the
Gerry Society Ml get me"
he explained.
When I left school the
question was what was I
to do. I couldn't be a
orizefighter so I became a
stenographer.
"ihe
Not for Him.
TALKING of labor movements and Socialism I like that story
about the Irishman who was looking for a job. He saw a
sign In a bookseller's window "Porter Wanted." "That'll just
suit me" he said and entered the shop when he was confronted
! by another "Dickens Works all this week for $10."
The Irishman read off the sign without any stops or commas.
" 'Dickers works all this week for f 10' does he? Well be Jabers
let him. I'm a union man."
(
Couldn't Lose That.
He Made the Name Famous.
AN" Englishman was walking along one of the principal thor-
oughfaree of Washington and saw a curly haired old negro
putting in coal in one of the cellars of one of the Government
buildings. The negro worked away Industriously.
"What ls your name?" asked the interested foreigner at length.
The negro 'bowed in a pleasant way.
"My name's George Washington sah at your service."
"Washington Washington" muttered the foreigner musing-
ly. "It seems to me I have heard that name before."
"Shouldn't wonder sah" rejoined the negTO in a dolighted tone.
"I've been here doing this sort of thing for the last ten year"
Sounded Like It.
ALAB0RHR who stuttered badly was arrested lor somsmls-
demeanor and 'was taken before the magistrate.
"What is your name prisoner?" asked the judge severely. -The
prisoner screwed up his mouth ami began.
"S-s-s-s-s-s-gt-ap"
The magistrate broke in.
"I am aBking you what your name Is."
Again the ivrlsoner started in.
"8-s-s-s-s-s-st-ep"
Whereupon the magistrate lost his patience and turned to the
policeman who had brought the prisoner in.
"What is this prisoner charged with officer?"
The cop saluted and said
"Begorra 01 don't know but 01 should think it was.sody water."
- - - V
An Obligation.
ONCE I attended the Mikado's birthday party. Everybody has
to wear a uniform and If you have no uniform you must
wear a plug hat I got a hat that came down over my ears.
Had to pry It off when it came time to salute the Mikado. It .
reminded me of the story of the fellow who tipped bis hat to a '
pretty girl. His friend said "Who is that?"
"A. friend of my brother'1 he said "and this is my brother's
Jat so I have to tip it."
Scotch Treat.
AMAJJ dropped into a cafa one afternoon and saw his Scotch
friend Sandy standing at the bar Indulging In "a lone one."
He walked up to the bar and greeted Sandy.
"WlU you have another one with me?"
"No thank you'"sa!d Sandy "but you can pay for this ono
At ycu wilL"
'
Two for Five.
MARK TWAIN was fond of telling a story against himself and
I think the one which tickled me moet Is a tale of Juvenile
woo which Mark related to me some years ago. I had asked Mark
If he could remember the first money he had ever oarned.
"Yes" he said. "It was at school and a very painful recol-'
lection It is too. There was a rule in our school that any boy
marking his desk either with pencil or knife would be chastised
publicly before the whole school or pay a fine of five dollars.
Besides the rule there was a ruler; I knew it because I had felt
it; it was & darned hard one too.
"One day I had to tell my father that I had broken the rule
and had to pay a fine or take a public wnipping and he said:
" 'Sam it would be too bad to have the name of Clemens dis-
graced before the whole school so I'll pay the fine. But I don't
want you to lose anything so come upstairs.' T went upstairs
with father and came down with a bad feeling and the five dol-
lars and decided that as I had been punished once and got used
to" It I wouldn't mind taking the other licking at school. So I
did and kept the five dollars. That was the first money I ever
earned."
Somebody Left the Door Open.
AMERICAN people I might mention have 4 very high appre-
ciation of the humor of Englishmen and hlave been specially
tickled by a story my friend. Colonel Cody mad to toll. He said
that some years ago an Englishman who hfd (never been in the
"Wst before was his guest. They were rlflni through a Rocky
Mountain canyon one day when suddenly a tlenwndus gust of
- wind came swooping down upon them and attuaHy carried the
Englishman clear off the wagon seat. After He had been picked
up he combed the sand and gravel out of his 'Whiskers and said:
"I say! I think you overdo ventllatlotfjja tliis country!"
A DARKY who was fishing had a little boy aboutvtwo years
old at his side and as he threw the line into the water the
little chap fell In also. The old darky plunged in and brought
out the youngster squeezed him out and stood him up to dry.
A clergyman who came along happened to see him and said
"My man. you have done nobly you are a hero. You saved
that boy's life."
"Well" .said the darky "I didn't do that to sabe his life; he
had de bait in his pocket." N
Saved a Lot of Time.
WHEN I was in Japan and China I went through the prisons
and the courts. Funny about the Chinese. Every ten
mlleB you strike a new dialect When they arrest a Chinaman
it takes three or four interpreters to find out what his offense
ls. I saw one fellow dragged In by the queue. The judge asked
what the charge was. The first Interpreter told the second the
second told the third the third told the fourth and the fourth
told the Judge that the fellow had stolen a yellow dog.
"Well." said the judge "I am glad it was not a black-and-tan."
The Last Speck.
THERE has always been a discussion among the wise ones as
to there being gold in the ocean; in fact there have been
companies formed to get it out of the ocean and there are com-
panies that get gold out of the passengers. In ere is one good
thing about ocean travel there is no dust f
After you get through tipping everything from the rudder to
the bowsprit you are entirely free from dust.
As I was getting off the boat a steward came at me with a
whlskbroom. I said:
"There Is no more dust on me."
He replied that there might be a little left
"Well try your luck" I said.
He got my car fare.
' Taken at His Word.
ANOTHER President about whom many stories were told was
Grover Cleveland. One which he enjoyed very much him-
self was that one time when he was out hunting he was over-
taken by darkness and coming to a fisherman's hut knocked at
the door. The family had retired 'but after repeated knocklngs
a man put his head out of a window and asked:
"Who's there?"
"I am Grover Cleveland."
"Well what do you want?"
"I want to stay jiere all night." ' l-
"AH right stay there." - . " ' '
He Knew.
NE hears .funny conversations on sfijpboaxd. Oas
man said'
"Say Bill who is that homely woman on the other side of
the deck?"
"That's my wife" he replied.
"Why you're not looking."
"I don't have to."
On the Hieh Seas.
TTHB young lady had her head on the rail with a far-s.wsjr look
on her face as u sne wouio give up aajriBras-yuai. m ei.
home. A young man was sitting by her BMa aad his aoaa leu
In her lap.
"Madam" asked a steward "shall I help your husband up?"
"He isn't my husband" she says wearily. "I don't know who
he Is and I don't care."
1 This Is So Sudden.
JUDGE la North Carolina was sentencing a big looys-Jointed
aegro who had been convicted of murdering another negro.
George Barley" His Honor said: "You have been found by
a jary of twelve men tried and trujo be guilty of murder 1b
first degree for hafiltaJrffir'tSlQ blood Moses Stack-
e. aad It is the RwrStssTtSfi Coufat on the teem day -
of .Hggst-ttie inet3 0f Folk Cetiaty tase
ffae ihfeSJ&l!Ba there hang yon by. the BooFanUryou are
dead dead dead! And may God.have mercy on your soul. Have
yon anything to say for yourself?"
The negro shifted from one foot to the other and twisted and
untwisted the ol felt hat he held la his hands. AH eyes in the
courtroom were upon him. Finally rolling his eyes up at the
Jadge he said: '
"Look y'here Jedge you-all don't mean this comln' August
does you?"
He Probably Did.
rE kind father took little Isadore to Coney Island. Little
Isey was a very cross kid on the way down. The father
tried to keep htm quiet with an offer of pennies and one tateg
or another but Issy yelled loader and loader. Hb father bit
upon a new scheme.
"Look Isadore I vlll take my hat und throw It oud dar Tinaow
und ven you vistlo It vill come baok."
The father kept putting the hat out and bringing It back "wrlta
an air of mystery every time little Issy whistled. It worked won-
ders with Isadora's conduct for he soon stopped crying and was
In a gay mood In a jiffy.
Flnallv when the father wasn't looking Isadora took the &at
held It out the window and let It drop. The hat west sailing
down Into the dirt along the tracks. Isadora poked a soared f
. out after it and then yoHed: .
"Fadder der hat iss gone VITLEt"
Badly Needed.
GENERAL SHERMAN whom I had the honor to count mofl
my closest friends once told me a. story about a chaplain
in the army whose powers of conversation were so extraordinary
he had brought to the mourners' beach almost every man ia tha
battery. He said to the sergeant orie day that he was much
gratified at the results of his work but there was one man John-
son who was a terrible blasphemer on whom he could seem
to make no impression.
"For goodness sake chaplain don't try to reform Johnson!"
exclaimed the sergeant aghast "for If you do there won't be no
one left to swear at the mules!"
Ship Life.
YOU know in rough weather they build a fence round the tablo
to keep the dishes down. I was Just pursuing a piece of
bread when the ship did a figure eight and the lady opposite me
sot my bread and I got her fish.
For the rest of the meal we ied each Other.
r- was getting them over the plate with an lashoot when she
stole home on a wild pitch.
The day I was feeling the worst the passengers asked me
to get up a concert. I had gotten up everything else so 1 said
I Would try.
We bad a prima donna on board who was having her voice cul-
tivated In Paris.
I- guess she was going over to get it I know she didn't have
it with her.
She (old me she bad a wonderful voice but people dont mind
what they say on shipboard.
.- The night of the concert was rough and she chose a fitting
selection "Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep." She was well
started when the ship gave a suddea halt and threw her nndr
the table. I was accompanying her on the piano and so Bad to.
follow her and the piano followed me.
"Beg pardon" I said "but ls thte a concert or a knockabout
act?" She thought she was down foe a solo but she was down
for an hour and ten minutes.
Natural Reply.
THE unexpected twist that is supposed to be peculiar to Ameri-
can humor seems to appear also in Scotch stories. For ex-
ample one which was told me by Mr. Andrew Carnegie of a
Scotchman accosted by a military picket:
"Who are you?" challenged the soldier.
"I'm fine" answered Sandy. "Hoo's yersftlT'
CopyrlghllSlS by the Star Company. Great Britain Eights Reserved.
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Slater, H. D. El Paso Herald (El Paso, Tex.), Ed. 1, Monday, February 1, 1915, newspaper, February 1, 1915; El Paso, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth137328/m1/9/?rotate=270: accessed July 16, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; .