The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 66, No. 12, Ed. 1 Thursday, October 26, 1978 Page: 4 of 20
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The Rice Thresher, October 26,1978, Page 4
Beginners' Luck
Richard Dees
Religions have always been
a favorite subject of mine. 1
figure I have a unique
perspective because, you see,
my religion is precisely the lack
thereof.
The way I figure it, religions
have always been started by
one real weird dude who
decides to freak out everybody.
I mean, look: you have Jesus,
Mohamed, Sun Myung Moon,
Madelyn Murray O'Hair,
Bokonon, and John Travolta.
Like, what do these guys got
over me? (OK, don't answer
that.) Everybody else is too lazy
to figure out something
themselves, so they copy one of
the biggies and modify it just
enough to fit themselves.
Take the sufis (all right, run
for the dictionaries): they took
the parts of Mohammedanism
that they liked and turned it
into an excuse to get drunk,
sing a lot, and have sex (sounds
good to me; for more, see the
Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam).
Now, Marx was real down
on religion. He said that
"religion is the opiate of the
people", I guess, because he
thought it kept peoplee high on
God and feeling good. But I
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have to quibble with him. I
admit I've seen people spaced
out on God and I've even seen a
few that were addicted, but
more often I've seen religion
create monstrous guilt
complexes and all sorts of
anxiety (definite downers).
Probably the most inter-
esting religion I have
encountered is Bokonism (the
first and, as far as I know, only
reference to this cult is in Cat's
Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.).
Bokonists perform a ritual
called baka-maru which
involves some serious sole
searching (it involves facing
your feet against another
persons's in a kind of two-
person meditative orgy). They
also have what I've found to be
unique ideas about, well, God:
"If 1 were a younger man,... I
would make a statue of myself,
lying on my back, grinning
horribly, and thumbing my
nose at YouKnowWho."
(Books of Bokonon as quoted
in Cat's Cradle).
Of course, all religions have
an attitude towards God (after
all, what are religions for?),
some for Him, some against,
but some seem to make more
sense than others. Now think
about this logically: if there is a
God and I believe, then I'm
safe; if there's not, then no
harm done. But if I don't
believe and there is no God,
what good does it do me to be
right?; but if there is a God, I'm
surely gonna get zapped.
Besides having attitudes
towards God, all religions have
one other thing in common:
they all have bibles — of sorts:
there's The Bible, The Koran,
The Books of Bokonon, works
of Confucious, and the Joys of
Sex.
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All religions, that is, except
one: agnosticism. Now
agnostics are a strange group,
anyway (I can talk about them,
because, if anywhere, I guess
this is where I fit — OK, OK, so
I'm not a logical person). The
whole basis of agnosticism is
that they can't figure out what
the heck is going on. Therefore,
to give any agnostics out there a
purpose, I will not reproduce
the whole of the Agnostics'
Bible right here in this paper.
The Agnostics' Bible
1. Thou shalt not hassle.
2. Thou shalt be easy.
3. Thou shalt go with the flow.
4. Thou shalt have Beginner's
Luck.
D00HESBURT
hey, kirby!
why the
i long face?
i mat
0DPS WITH
my em,
ZONKER
Z DON'T QUITE THEY LACK
UNDERSTAND, DEFiNTTION.Z.
KIRBY. WHAT I PONT FEEL
i EXACTLY IS LIKE I LIVE
1 WRONG WITH IN AN BiA I
I THE SEVENTIES? CAN REALM
\ ^ CALL MY OWN!
1 really
pontsee
why you're
i 6ettingso
upset, kirb..
\
it just doesnt
seem fair, zonk-
er! every kid
should have an
era to call
his own!
jsy?
ra-25
out of see,cap'n,
sync? my times, kirby's a
with b.d, my rhyme in
£ what? times! search of
a reason.
m
zonk, tm sorry to be bur-
denim you ujtth my sync
problems, but you're the
only person i know who's
really in control of his
YOU KNOW, K/RBY, I'M HAPPY TO
ADVISE, BUT when ALL'S SAID AND
done, A MANS GOTTA MAKE HIS
J PEACE WITH HIS 77MES BY HIM-
\ Self, YOU KNOW?
OF COURSE,
YOU ARE, KIRBY. 6RDWIN6 UP IN
WHAT ARE YOU THE SEVBJTIES.
TALKING ABOUT? I CANT SEEM
1 TOATTACHANY
MEANING TO TT..
oh, i've shopped around, of
course. i've checked out all
the top-grossing period films,
"grease," "animal house," "com-
ing home,"etc., but none of
them is really me. i guess
you could say i'm a peg in
search of a hole!
i mean, look at yourself!
you have this terrific
sixties orientation and
tt serves you very well!
so what's wrong
with football? what
if football /SWT ^ arey0u
a valid way of mil? sww6,
ufe, i don't 7 b.d.?
know what is! /
M
its true, b.d.! zonk's
who's lifestyle transcends
really cultural parameters.
WHAT? its no secrethes one
i ofthe last hopes 0f0ur
/ZEktlZD ATir\Kl /
all you really need
are convictions, kirb.
and you say you've
got some, right?
■
HERE WE ARE, ALMOST NINE
YEARS INTO THE DECADE, AND
THE MAJOR CULTURAL
CONTRIBUTION OF THE SEVEN-
TIES IS A FIFTIES
REVIVAL CRATE!
doesnt matter.
or aslongasit
square? can support
the weight of
my convictions.
\
cm0n, zonk! wjsaid
yourself that a ufe
i do? spent searching for
, the perfect hash
\ brownie is a life
well spent!
x ru-,3
what i'm saying,
turkeys, is that
the games bigger
than all of us!
football belongs
to no one era!
/
BY GUM,
hes right,
KIRBY ITS
violence and
brutality are
timeless!
wow.. you've got me on
the spot, oh school chum!
everything you say is
pretty harp to dispute!
\
A LOT ABOUT
OF'EM? FOUR 0H
FIVE.
0h, c'mon, kirby!
what about disco? ufll'rr
and watergate
boors?/ mm ww
SPOTS WERE
do you realize i
boy, you have absolutely
really are no memory of
depressed.. the ford years?
I GUESS IT
ME OFF THE
streets.
exactly! well,
id0nthave
anythin6 like
that! j
right! ame kirby at
like a a/atch is least try
fine timeless? m go out
watch! | for a short
i 1 pass!
(ofyfuutt'
IP7MP DOES THAT MAYBE,
jpy MEAN YOU'LL LET ME
/' TAKE ME CHECK MY
ON? BOOK.
\ \
(sitffud&aM.— yv
SHOULD
B5 ENOUGH.
YOU'RE STILL
YOUNG-
\
i'm really
looking for-
ward to work-
ing with you,
zonk.. /
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Heard, Michelle Leigh. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 66, No. 12, Ed. 1 Thursday, October 26, 1978, newspaper, October 26, 1978; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245384/m1/4/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.