The Rice Thresher, Vol. 95, No. 14, Ed. 1 Friday, December 7, 2007 Page: 12 of 16
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THE RICE THRESHER SPORTS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7,2007
WHERE THRESHER SPORTS EDITORS ARE TOO LAZY TO NOT RIP OFF ESPN
LAYOUT BY CASEY MICHEL
OR, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE LIGHTER SIDE OF SPORTS
You, too, can have your very own French basketball experience in your hometown
a
So you want to have a French-style
professional basketball game in your
town? Well, lucky for you, in order
to get rid of the stomachache I got
from eating all that crow after my last
column — stupid New England — I
decided to check out the home opener
for the Pau Orthez basketball team.
During the game, I made a list of the
nine must-haves for accurate French
basketball re-enactment. Feel free to
copy them for your own enjoyment:
1. About 300 mostly-lethargic
fans in attendance, with an enthu-
siasm level roughly equaling that
of a Charlotte Bobcats home game.
At the game I attended, the stadium
was filled to about a twentieth of
capacity, because apparently French
teams don't ask for a whole lot in
terms of turnout.
2. A hodgepodge ska/polka band
dressed in green sequined vests
and bowler hats (not matching the
colors of either team). I could not tell
if they were the official band, more
enthusiastic than the average fans,
or just lost. Whatever they were, they
were entertaining. I think the MOB
should adopt this look.
3a. An unidentifiable purple bea-
ver/small bear/large rodent cross
for a mascot with even less enthu-
siasm than the fans. It didn't really
have a personality of its own — it
was more of a large brown fuzzy blob
that occasionally did round-offs and
awkward somersaults on the floor.
3b. An unidentifiable purple
beaver/bear/large rodent cross for
a mascot with no sense of accuracy.
Every once in a while, the thing
would come out onto the court with
a huge slingshot and some wadded-
up shirts, just like in some arenas
in the States. However,
the art of pinpoint shirt-
slinging seemed to be a
little out of his league.
At least seven of the ten
shirts he shot landed in
the uninhabited second
deck, and none of the
others made it within 50
feet of the nearest spec-
tator. Of course, the fact
that there were about 30
seats between fans might
have had something to
do with it. But my favorite was the
shirt that made it over my head in
the nosebleeds, out the exit door,
and into the concession stand/bar
outside. I guess that might take skill
to reproduce.
4. No more than two cheerlead-
ers in black, '80s-era spandex, and
preferably no older than 10 years
old — for maximum awkwardness,
not for anything perverted. These
cheerleaders didn't reveal any ability
to do anything but skip — no gym-
nastics, no novelty shirt throwing,
no jumping, nothing but skipping and
clapping hands with all the grace of
someone's third-grade kid sister. 5.
No more than one group of three
angry men who, after quite a few
beers, break out of their lethargy by
yelling insults and obscenities at what
Dylan Farmer
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seems to be every person in sight.
Make sure you get the proper insults,
too: "Vendu, l'arbitre!" (to accuse the
referee of being paid off), "Vas te
coucher!" (literally "go to bed," butthe
slang usage is more along
the lines of "you suck!"),
and the heavyweight,
"Quel encule!" (rough-
ly translated as "&%!#
that guy!").
6. German exchange
students who like to talk
about Dirk Nowitzki.That
way, if you're a Spurs fan
like me, you have someone
with whom to chat about
how badly Dallas choked
last year in the playoffs.
However, you do have the risk of the
conversation turning to David Hassel-
hoff. Don't say I didn't warn you ...
7. French students who like to talk
about Tony Parker. With them, you
can trash talk Dallas and Phoenix and
chat about Eva Longoria at the same
time. What's not to like?
8. A halftime show that resembles
something from a Japanese game
show. Be sure to start it with the
traditional half-court shot and free
throw contests, and then regress into
weird games as quickly as possible.
For example, our main source of en-
tertainment was two guys connected
by an elastic band. They had to score
baskets on opposite sides of the court
while attached, which proved to be
more difficult than I thought it would
be. One guy's pants started sagging
uncontrollably toward the end of the
game, but he was more than willing
to sacrifice his dignity for the winning
shot. The other guy hit his head on
the floor and didn't get up. Eventu-
ally, the mascot had to drag him off
the court by his leg to the sporadic
applause of about 10 spectators. Like
I said, weird.
If your team loses,
go on strike.
It's France, that's
how they do it.
9. Finally, if your team loses, go
on strike. It's France, that's how
they do it.
So, I think that about covers it. I
might think of some more things, in
which case I'll amend the column,
but for now you should be able to
accurately recreate an authentically
trippy French basketball experience
whenever you want. And just as a
disclaimer, I'm not responsible for any-
one injured by poorly-aimed souvenir
shirts or sketchy halftime games.
Dylan Farmer is a Hanszen College
junior and was aThxeshev sports editor,
but now he's paying eight euros a game to
see wei rd stuff like th is. And he prom ises
his family that he's learning how to say
more than profane street slang ...
A
I
JOHN SANDERS/THRESHER
Rugby is often said to be the quintessential sport. After seeing this picture, the
Thresher sports editor would like to call that label Into question.
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Whitfield, Stephen. The Rice Thresher, Vol. 95, No. 14, Ed. 1 Friday, December 7, 2007, newspaper, December 7, 2007; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth443064/m1/12/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.