The Houston Post. (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 25TH YEAR, Ed. 1 Sunday, January 30, 1910 Page: 53 of 58
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V
HOUSTON DAILY POST: SUNDAY MORNING, JANUARY 30, 1910,
ENGLAND AND GERMANY: WILL
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(By William Bavard Hale In World'*
"Work.)
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StFMANV
GBLAT BKITAIN
BRITISH POSSESSIONS
GERMAN POSSESSIONS
In the February Issue of the World's
Work. William Bayard Hal^ contributes
an article of absorbing Interest under the
caption, "England and Germany: Will
They Fight?" Mr. Hale haa Ju»t returned
from Europe, in wnoie chief capitals he
spent a year In confidential relations with
governmental chiefs. He enjoyed, there-
fore, unique opportunities not only of
learning many facts not generally known,
hut of acquainting himself, at first hand,
with the views held In the highest quar-
ters.
In the article referred to he says 1n
p it:
They are talking. In Kurope. of a war—
i war In which two of the most powerful
nations would face each other, with the
largest armies and the biggest navies
ever envisaged In battle; with weapons
more destructive than any ever used be-
fore It would be a war stupefying In the
r f/erlng that It would entail, prodigious
In Its effect upon the lives of two peo-
ples, colossal In the scale to which It
would almost Inevitably develop, stupen-
i'<iui In the possibilities of universal con-
flirt which It would open. It does not
require Imagination to see the spread of
this war till It should rage over all Ku-
rope, call Japan attain to arms, make
China a battlefield, and weaken or break
the hold of home governments on widely
scattered colonies: it rather requires In-
genuity to finds grounds for hoping that
It would not extend its effects to both
iUHun
—From World's Work for February.
This sketch represents the German and
British cruiser-battleships of the Invinci-
ble type, completed and expected to be
completed, by the end of the years nam-
ed. This Is Brassey's calculation.
hemispheres and to all continents.
What two nations want to fight? No
two. What two nations have a known
quarrel? No two. Who, then, are ex-
pected to provide this war? England and
Germany.
Wherever Englishmen or Germans meet,
be they diplomats or publicists or busi-
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The British and German Colonial Possessions Throughout the World
ror^l,rBd,l!S,fT„°",,5l SKSm'St'SS ?*" m™!>r *
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••»••««• a «oe« a>« • asco• c ooooooo<iw»oo*ae»«e«#
—From World's Work for February.
The "Vanguard," the Most Formidable British "Super-Dread-
naught" Now in the Water.
ness men, on the street, at home, in the
clubs, one invariable subject comes up
and is discussed with grave voices. Dis-
cussion is little help to enlightenment,
for nobody knows—not even the chiefs of
state—why Germany and England should
fight, yet somehow the groups always
separate with deepened conviction that
they will.
This war talk is not new. It has been
going on for three years. It refuses to
die out; It deepens in seriousness and
volume.
♦ ♦♦
Both powers are keenly alive to the
dangers of a conflict. It could only be a
fight to a finish. It would almost cer-
tainly involve other powers. Japan is in
full alliance with England; Russia and
France are its sworn friends. The vitality
of the drei-bund was proven last spring;
Italy may be lukewarm, but Austria i3
heart and hand with Germany. Austria's
policies are now inspired by one of the
most daring minds that has bent its at-
tention upon the map of Europe, a mind
ably tutored by the German kaiser to an
appreciation of the alluring landscapes
along the road to Constantinople. The
opening of hostilities would fling the ter-
ritory of a continent into the arena. In
particular it would release the springs of
the most vital ambitions of continetal pol-
1908
1909
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GCftMANV 0R£AT BRITAIN
—From AVorld's Work for February.
This sketel) represents the German and
British Dreailnaughts completed and ex-
pected to he complete in the years named.
This is the calculation of Brasseys, the
chief English naval authority.
itics: Austria's yearning to drive Iiussla
out of tlii Balkans, and France's lust for
revenge id the recovery of its lost prov-
inces. t :om a struggle which would
dwarf 1 he Napoleonic cataclysm of a cen-
tury atro, who can say what would
emerge .' What cell in the mind of kaiser
••••••••••OS
or king could dream of inviting such
chances? The remembrance that France
lies eager to spring across the frontier
the moment an army corps leaves Ger-
man soil, must dissipate any conquering
dream of the strategists of Potsdam. The
recollection that India will flame into re-
volt the day that British brigades start
home to defend the island, must chill and
destroy any English dream of victorious
war.
CONFLICT BELIEVED TO BE IN-
EVITABLE.
Considerations so strong as these might
seem to be decisive. What can be said
to qualify their force, or to outweigh
them? In the face of such reasons for
peace, what earthly ground is there for
believing that Germany and England are
about to fight?
The answer is this: The most serious
possible ground for fearing that Germany
and England are about to fight is—the be-
lief of the people of Germany and En-
gland that they are about to do so.
I do not mean primarily that tiie preva-
lence of that belief indicates the exist-
ence of causes, unknown to the world,
rendering conflict inevitable. I mean pri-
marily that talk of war, however cause-
less, tends to beget war.
**«*«•**
To a mind convinced that Germany's
—From World's Work for February.
This sketch represents the respective
numbers of German and British Dread-
nauglits and super-Dreadnaughts, afloat
and expected to be afloat, at the close
of the years named. This is based on
official statements. Last year Germany
surprised the world by launching a ship
the existence of which was not known.
naval activity is aimed at England, the
island kingdom's position must seem crit-
ical indeed; it ia swiftly becoming desper-
ate. England has, of course, no defense
except its navy. Against the kaiser's
army of 600,000 active garrisoned troops,
and his reserve of 1,300,000 trained sol-
diers, England is able to oppose 265,000
men—140,000 of whom are abroad. Britain
has nothing to correspond to the conti-
nental "reserve." The lately-organized
"territorials" are as yet about as terrible
a force as the "boy scouts" and "girl
scouts" who take Saturday half holidays
on Hampstead Heath. England can never
allow a hostile force to land on its soil.
***»*»#*
It is, T believe, a profound, even a child-
ish, error to fear that German cherishes
against its island neighbor any design
more sinister than defeat in the peaceful
ways of trade. * * *
But it is not an error to fear that En-
gland has subconsciously resolved that
this peaceful expansion of German influ-
ence must be checked, if war will
check It.
* * * Scrutinize British diplomacy,
and you will find that always England Is
at work against the power paramount on
the mainland. It is the instinct of self-
preservation that teaches England that it
can not safely permit the integration of
continental Europe. Now, not since the
triumphs of Napoleon has that been so
threatened as it is today. The rise of the
Deutsche Reich is the spectacular phe-
nomenon of modern history.
These are the things that unlerlie Eng-
land's belief ip the inevitability of war,
the true, half-unconscious motives of its
hatred arid its fears. England does riot
in its heart of heart believe in its own
talk of Germany's warlike intentions.
But it shivers with a waking conscious-
ness of its own.
Such is the essential, historic ground
upon which the mighty gladiators will
sooner or later close in inevitable combat.
* *
An Immense advantage will lie with the
power which launches the first blow. It
Is knowledge of this fact that multiplier
many times the likelihood of hostilities;
mutual suspicion which can not afford to
await verification will urge to prior ac-
tion; England and Germany will each be
impelled to strike, even without cause,
by the conviction that the other is pre-
paring to strike. It is conceivable that
an unadvertised descent by the North sea
fleet, now under the command of Sir
William May, might, between a sun's ris-
ing and setting, strike Germany's arm
powerless for offense; equally conceivable
that a foggy night's work by transit.m.s or
a swift journey by a Zeppelin might lay
London at the mercy of its foe. 1.1. is al-
most quite certain that the first half of
the conflict. Hie half of which all the rest
Of it would be onlv a struggle to atone
for, would be a bolt out of the darkness
on a surprised enemy—a rare moment of
agony while the world's heart stopped
beating. Then might follow—but who dare
prophesy the course of an epic conflict?
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—From "World's "Work for 3,\,orua> \r.
The "Nassau," Which Heads the List of German "Super
Dreadnaughts."
\AZrX2*. *
Some Clever Short Stories Garnered From Many Sources
"< ft
"Dear Me!" He Said.
KaH th« Englishman who had atoM
plti nt«l In the mow for ten minutes star-
ing lit th« Metropolitan tower, "What
rit> you call It?"
Th* New Yorkar laid, "Metropolitan
tow ft.
"I mean what !• your pet name for
tbe clock?"
The New Yorker repeated a few choice
epithet* that had been applied to that
i lock l>y persons whose morning and
midnight rest It had disturbed.
' Oh, r don't mean that, either," said
Him Englishman. "Don't you cull It Old
lun or Old Bob, or old something or
Otlitr as a mark of affection? No? Well,
ih.'t Is one phase of American character
Hi t I can not understand. You seem
nt erly laekltiK In Imagination In nam-
liitf objects of general Interest. Time
«f'or time a tower, a clock, a church.
»• 'Omb has b»en pointed out labeled with
t* proper name. 'But what Is Its nlck-
name?' I auk. and always the answer
is the same. 'It has none.' Such indif-
ference Is unknown In our city. Why.
If this clock were In I.ondon It would
lave been christened with a term of
endearment before It had been up two
•Is ys."
• lust then the Metropolitan chimes got
busy and a nervoua New York man
tr idned past.
"There goes that blanked cloek again,"
hp growled.
"Dear me," said the Englishman.
♦ *■
Foiling of Pilferer.
A physician who keeps a Japanese
hnube atrvant was having new flooring
laid in his offices. The Japanese was
gi eatly disturbed by the workmen, who
Interfered with the smoothness of his
household routine, says the New York
Hon. One day lio came to his master
with a look of itlarm. One of tho
workmen bad been Btealing eggs from
the pantry.
"Stealing eggs," said the doctor, "iiow'a
that?"
"I watch," explained the Jap, "I see
hi n put something In his coat that hang
in the hall. I look in pocket and find
<H*s. I look In pantry and don't find
« «gs. I will go take them back from the
pocket."
"Oh, no," said the doctor. "That
would be no better than taking them
from the pantry. You must never take
anything from another man's pocket."
The Jap went away with a look of
disappointment. A few minutes later tho
doctor paused the hatrack in the hall,
\v hero tho w orkmen's coats were hang-
ing and found the Jap beating the coats
with a rug beater.
"What are you doing?" exclaimed the
doctor as he saw the dust rising from
the coats.
"I beat all the coats alike," said the
Jap, "and the e^gs, they make only tho
bad man sorry."
♦ ♦ ♦
"E. and 0. E."
Charlie Rider, special stenographer to
the postmaster general, Is one of the
fair-haired lads of the Hitchcock admin-
istration, says the Washington corres-
pondence of the New Work World. At
l"ast such hair as yet remains to adorn
the head of Mr. Rider is of the fairest
*"rt of blonde. Some months ago he
got interested In the operations of the
New York Stock Exchange. He read
the daily market reports and thought he
bad mastered the Wall street proposition
In Its entirety. Then hs took Jloo and
»>ought on margin twenty shares of one
of the "cat-and-dog" stocks that move
< aslly and without much reason In al-
most nny direction. In two hours
Charlie's hundred had gone a-gllmmcrlng.
Next mornliiK be received a statement
from Ids banker showing a vacuum on
the credit side of his account. Stamped
aoroMS the pagM were the Initials "E. and
O. B." Ia Wall street this means "Er-
rors and omissions excepted." Charlie
pus sled ere* the Initials all day. At tne
close of business ho met a lawyer friend
and showed him the statement. "What
does 'E. and O. E.' mean?" ho queried.
Tho lawyer looked at the vacant credit
column and handed tjio statement back.
"In your case, Charlie," he replied,
"I think It means 'Easy and overeasy.' ".
♦ ♦ ♦
Where the Line Was Drawn.
Senator Elihu Root's onion story, told
In the New York World, Is nn Illustra-
tion of tho difficulty of concealing evil
practices.
"Take the ease\" said Mr. Root, "of old
John Bodewln. John was a lawj'er's
confidential clerk, and he had the per-
nicious habit of going to a neighboring
saloon every morning at 11 o'clock and
taking a small glass of whisky. He was
not proud of this habit; hence, after the
whisky, he always took a clove.
"But one morning It happened that
there were no cloves on the bar. and
John, having considered the matter, ate
a small raw onion from the free lunch
tray. That would destroy tho tell-tale
whisky odor, no doubt, as well as the
clove had always done, and so thinking
h«* returned to his desk.
"It was a double desk. At It be and
his employer sat face to face. John, on
his return, was soon aware that his em-
ployer noticed somathing. The man's
nostrils quivered, he sniffed, and finally,
Willi a grimace of disgust, he broke out:
" 'Look here. John, I've stood whisky
and «'lovo for nineteen years .but I draw
tho line at whisky and onions.' "
♦ ♦ ♦
No Time for Vanity.
Mrs. Phelps Stokes, in one of her col-
lege settlement addresses in New York,
said of snobbishness:
"I hate the snob so bitterly that I can
almost sympathize with the thief in the
tumbril.
"During the French revolution. you
know, a thief and a marquis jolted in a
tumbril side by side through the wild
streets of Pnris. oti the way to the guillo-
tine, while a venerable priest tried to
console their terrible last ride with mor-
ul reflections.
" 'A bas la noblesse! Down with the
aristocratsshouted the red-capped
mob.
"Thereupon the thief rose In the cart
and cried: 'My friends, you deceive your-
k< !ves, I am not an aristocrat. I am a
thief.'
The priest plucked him by the sleeve,
saying reproachfully: 'Sit down. This is
no time for vanity.' "
♦ ♦ ♦
Useless, but Harmless.
On one occasion a Judge gave an ex-
haustive decision in a case, after which
the lawyer for the plaintiff arose and
questioned It, says Tit-Bits.
"Pardon me," aaid his lordship, "1
can not allow you to reopen this caso
after I have given my final decision. 1
may be wrong, but that is my opinion."
Tho lawyer rudely replied: "Then,
m'lud, I know it is no use my knocking
my head against a brick wall. I sup-
pose I must sit down."
The judge, adjusting his eyeglasses and
looking sarcastically at the lawyer, said:
"Sir, I know It Is of no use for you to
knock your head against a brick wall,
but, I may add, I know no one else
who could perform such an operation
with less injury to himself than you."
♦ *♦
He Snubbed the Emperor.
It Is not often that the German em-
peror allows himself to be snubbed by
one of his own subjects, but an actual
Instance occurred laHt summer. His
majesty was on board the Hohenzollern,
and, approaching a certain German port
on the North Sea, the imperial yacht
took <>n a pilot, and this authority posted
himself at the wheel.
The emperor, who regards himself as
a perfect master of steering, stationed
himself In the vicinity of the pilot and
suggested giving him a hand at the
wheel.
Whm swigh sea-dog, not recognizing
the emperor, turned round with a snarl. '
Are you pilot, or am I?" he growled. I
Amazed, Wilhelm II retired crestfallen
to his stateroom. But lie thought bet- !
ter of it, and in a few minutes returned
to the bridge, and in great humility laid
a box of cigars beside the pilot," with |
the remark: "Thou art the pilot!"
♦ ♦ ♦
The Fur Coat.
Henry E. Dixey, the brilliant comedian,
has a seasonable after-supper speech
called "The Fur Coat," says the Phila-
delphia Ledger. The speech runs:
"There is an 'atmosphere' about a fur-
lined coat. Its wearer looks upon other
men as pariahs. If you want to madden
the sumptuous creature, hint that tho
fur he is so proud of is imitation, and he
will foam at the mouth. When the ful-
ls real his rage is intelligible, and when
it is false he is naturally beside himself
at seeing his secret revealed to a derisive
world.
"One of the bitterest moments of my
df>ar friend Jasper Jay's life was occa-
sioned the other day by the thoughtless
jeer of a rude taxieab driver.
"Jasper Jay had. thanks to the confid-
ing and truthful nature of a Broadway
tailor, purchased a fur coat with a su-
perb collar of astrakhan—the real thing.
I assure you, on my honor, the real
thing.
_.'',JlasPer the other day was crossing
Fifth avenue in his superb garment, and
nad to hop hurriedly out of the way of
a taxieab. The mud splashed him, he
was irritated and he upbraided the driver.
The letter sneered, and taking his cigar-
ette from his scornful lips, he said:
" 'Aw. git out, ye curly-haired retriev-
er!'
Jasper was cut to the heart, for it was
not a retriever; really and truly it was
not. But a friend was with him and the
friend reported the taxieab man's words,
and now whenever Jasper essays to show
off his splendid coat at the club his fel-
low-members shout in chorus:
" 'Bow-wow-wow!' "
♦ ♦ +
Missed It a Nickel.
Two IX: le girls entered a florist shop.
So flear other in size were they
they would have been taken for twins.
They had 20 cents—10 cents apiece—and
•with this sum saved from pennies for
some time back they were going to buy
a "plant" for mamma. One stepped out
a little in advance of the other when tho
door closed behind them. The other was
shy, looking timidly but confidently at
her sister. The woman in charge of the
small shop looked up as the two mites
of humanity paused in front of her
"Well?" she said, encouragingly
"We want to buy a plant," said the lit-
tle spokeswoman. Then she added in
order to avoid later embarrassment—"the
cheapest one you've got."
"Ah," said the florist, going to tho
window, here Is a nice little plant—for
25 cents.'
The little sister turned quickly to tho
other, but still smiling bravely.
"Baby, wefve Just missed it a nickel."
she said. •
Yet not three minutes later they Issued
from the shop bearing the plant between
them, and as the woman deposited tho
two silver dimes In the cash drawer her
eyes must have caught their gleam for
there was something shining there '
-f-f ♦
Should Have Lost His Fee.
Physicians and lawyers are sometimes
charged with protracting profitable
"cases" through months, and perhaps
years, that could have been disposed of
In a few days or weeks, says the Youth's
Companion. One medical man, who had
no temptation to that kind of practice,
was frank enough to take advantage of
the Impeachment and put the blame
where it belonged. A lady was very
solicitous about her health. Every trifle
made her uneasy, and the doi tor was
called consequently. The doctor was a
skillful man, and consequently had a
lar-o practice. It was very disagreeable
to him to be so often called away from
his other cases for nothing, and tie re-
solved to take an opportunity of letting
the lady see this. One day the lady
Why
observed a red spot on her hand, and at
once sent for the doctor. lie came, looked
at her hand, and said:
"You did well to send for me early."
The lady looked alarmed, and asked:
"Is it dangerous, then?"
"Certainly not," replied the uoctor.
"Tomorrow the spot would have disap-
peared, and I should have lost mv fee
for this visit."
+ + +
He Was Forestalled.
William A. Pinkerton, the head of the
famous detective agency, was talking in
Chicago about the interesting statistics
of his recently published report.
"Yes. it is true," Mr. Pinkerton said,
"that we catch the criminal more fre-
quently than we used to. It ia true, too,
that knowing the criminal's ways, wo
forestall him—we take preventive meas-
ures and reduce crime enormously.
"We are like," he resumed, "the Del-
mar deacon. The deacon was passing the
collection plate ono Sunday morning.
When he came to a certain penurious
Delmar citizen, he noticed that the man
extended toward the plate, not a hand
with a coin displayed between finger and
thumb, but a tightly closed fist.
"The deacon frowned at the fist, and
jerked the plate back from It.
" 'Give it to me. Mr. Keene.' he whis-
pered audibly. 'One has just come off
niy vest.' "
♦ ♦♦
He Keturned.
Last winter, says the Cleveland News,
Mrs. Clifford A. Neff, who resides in
that part of Bratenahl still known as
Doan street, sorted out her husband's
cast off clothing. To the first appli-
cant who came along she handed a com-
plete suit of clothes which she thought
had seen enough service and the man
went off rejoicing and volubly thanking
her.
This week he reappeared at the Neff
home, where he was immediately recog-
nized.
"Last year, madam," he said with a
bow, "you were kind enough to give me
a suit of clothes. In the pocket of the
coat I found a dollar bill, all crumpled
up, and—"
"And you waited all this time to re-
turn it," interrupted Mrs. Neff.
"No, madam," replied the panhandler,
with another bow. "I called to ask you
if you hadn't another coat to give me."
♦ ♦ •*
Working the Boy.
Jerome S. Wade, the well known Du-
luth connoisseur, said of the manage-
ment of children in a recent Sunday
school address, according to the Philadel-
phia Ledger:
"Diplomacy succeeds best with the lit-
tle ones. A lad of 9 came, all puffing
and rosy, in out of the cold the other
night, and said:
" 'Pa, I'm tired. I've sawed enough
wood for this evenin', ain't I? I'm awful
tired.'
" 'Tired?' cried the father, looking up
from his paper with an air of surprise
and disappointment. 'Why, I bet your
mother a quarter you'd have the whole
pile done before supper.'
" 'Did you?' shouted the boy. taking up
his hat and mittens again. 'Well, you'll
win your money if the saw holds* out.
Nobody ever bet on me and lost!'
"And he rushed back to his hard task
again, his eyes flaming with enthusi-
asm."
♦ ♦ +
Reflected Glory.
(From Tit-Bits.)
Mr. Jones was an excellent man, pros-
perous in his business and honest in his
ways, but not distinguished for anything
in particular. His wife, however, Mrs.
Smith-Jones, was a woman of rare ac-
complishments. She was an artist of
more than ordinary ability, a brilliant
pianist and possessed a voice of re-
markable sweetness and power.
At a large party ono evening, at which
she and her husband were present, her
singing captivated a stranger who was
one of the guests, and he aaked to be
introduced to her. After a few minutes'
conversation the hostess came and took
him away.
"You musn't monopolize her, Mr. Sim-
mons," she said. "I want you to meet
Mr. Jones."
"Who Is Mr. Jones?"
"He Is her husband."
"What is he noted for?"
"Noted for?" echoed the hostess.
"Why, for—for his wife."
"Beano" Is a Fine Game.
There is a good old lady living not far
from Woodward avenue and the boule-
vard who looks upon all games of cards
as a mentu-e to the soul of man, says the
Detroit News-Tribune. There is not a
playing card In her daughter's house,
where she resides, and the person con-
victed of indulging in solitaire, casino,
euchre or any similar pastime forfeits
that old lady's esteem and Ains in its
place her sincere and deep sympathy.
She has a grandson who is not quite
as saintly. He is going to high school
and has been known to win ^8 cents in
one afternoon at penny-ante freezeout.
and can riffle a pack without spilling any
on the floor. He and his grandmother
arc great pals and the other evening his
father, who left a great many things be-
hind him when he married, was startled
to hear his son exclaim: "I'll see you
and raise you three, grandma."
On the family sewing table grandma
and the young man were playing an ex-
citing game. They were using a pack of
cards for a game known as "Our Feat'ti-
ered Friends" and a dish of beans. On
each card was the picture of a different
kind of bird.
Presently grandma, in an excited tone,
piped up: "Now, buddy, you forgot to
ante again."
. Father became interested. Grandma
staid up until 9 o'clock, half an hour
past her bedtime, and when she reluct-
antly arose, she said: "Well, Buddy, I
have eighteen more beans than you have
and I'll get all of yours away from you
tomorrow night."
"My son," said father, after grandma
had left the room, "what's the game you
were playing with grandma?"
' "It's called beano," said his son. "You
see these cards are divided into four
groups—birds of prey, song birds, game
birds and domestic fowls. There are
thirteen of each and they are graded.
The eagle, lark, grouse and turkey count
the highest. The dealer gives each player
five cards and each one can lay aside as
many as he wants and draw as many
more. Everybody puts one bean in the
middle of the table at the beginning—"
"I—-er—think I understand," said
father. "Let's you and I play a little
game so's you can teach me how."
There was a wickedly reminiscent
smile, on father's face as he pulled the
last of Buddy's beans at 10:50.
His Home Politics.
A political canvasser called at a Spring
street home the other day and Inquired
as to the political affiliations of the man
of the house, says the Philadelphia
Times.
"Oh. 'well," said the housewife, "he's
everything. He's nice when he's away,
and he's not so nice at other times."
"But about politics," said the can-
vasser. "Is he a Penn party man or an
Organization man?"
"Well, it depends on who he Is with,"
said the lady. "If it's policy to be a
Penn partyrnan when he's with Penn
party men, he's a Penn parjy man, and
when he's with republicans lie's a repub-
lican."
"I understand," persisted the canvasser,
"but between ourselves, what Is he at
home ?"
"Oh. at home he's a perfect terror."
♦ ^ ♦
How to Do It.
CFrom Newark (N. J.) Sunday Call.)
"Easiest thing yet." said Hans Wagner,
famous ball player, during a recent visit
to Kearny, when he was asked for the
millionth and something time what was
the aecret of batting prowess. "You wait
until you see a ball coining and it ain't
the right one. And then you stop walt-
ing, and any one's the right one, and If
it Ts, maybe you want to hit it, and then
you hit it, and after that you learn quick
it was the right one. If ii was, then you
got the hit and didn't get thrown out,
and if it wasn't, then you musn't hit at
it. That's all I ever did in hitting."
-f 4- A
Not the least Alarmed,
(From Tit-Bits.)
"The last time I was around here I
was telling you about the comet," said
the tourist.
"I remember, boss." grinned the
freckled lad on th* fence.
"Didn't frighten you much?"
"Not a bit, stranger."
"Well, listen. Since then I have found
out that the comet will be equal to twen-
ty full moons."
"Good news, by heck! Thar'll be more
spooning than ever, dad won't have to
burn so many candles and the mules
can feed at night and work twice as
hard in the daytime."
"You seem to be a good prophet, bub.
Do you know the tall of the comet will
sweep the earth next May?"
"That ought to please ma, sir, because
May is house-cleaning time."
"You seem to be the limit, young man.
Suppose you wake up some morning and
find there is nothing left but the farm?"
"Just what I am thinking, stranger.
President Taft says, 'Young man, sttck
to the farm.' and I guess in that case
I'd have to do it."
♦ ♦ >
Wanted to Clean Up Venice.
The Baltimore American says: "In
Venice not long ago I ran across a Chi-
cago contractor to whom the antique and
the picturesque, so much in evidence In
that place of beauty, did not appeal,'' said
Judge T. M. Long of San Francisco, at
the Stafford.
"The man was a utilitarian to the point
of savagery. We stopped at the same
hotel. One day I caught him immersed
in a maze of figures that it had taken
him hours to produce.
" 'What these blamed Eyetalians want,'
said he, 'is to clean up this town. It's
horribly in need of modern sanitation and
most of all they want to build some solid
streets. I'd take the job of Tidying up
Venice and filling up these ditches for
about $20,0(30,000, and then they'd have
something to boast of properly.' "
4- > ♦
Full of Meaning.
Richard Croker, a rew days before his
departure for Florida, was the guest of
honor at a dinner at the St. Regis.
Mr. Croker, praising Judge Gaynor's
oratory, said:
"His oratory is so concise. He packs
so much meaning into so few words. Ho
is like the old clerk whose master said
to him:
" 'John, that's a very shabby office coat
you're wearing.'
" 'Yes, sir,' said the old clerk, mean-
ingly, "I got this coat with the last raise
you gave me.' "
♦ * >
Before and After.
Colonel Peterby met his colored gar-
dener, Jim Webster, a short time ago,
according to tho Baltimore News. Jim
had been recently married.
"How do you like matrimony, Jim?"
asked Colonel Peterby.
Jim shook his head dubiously.
"What's the matter?"
"Yer see, boss, before we were married,
when I knocked at de dore she used to
say: 'Am dat you. honeysuckle?'
"Now, when I come home, she bawls
out: 'Clean off dem boots before you
comes in dat dore. you black moke!' "
♦ ♦ +
Carrying Out Orders.
On Lord Dufferin's estate, near Belfast,
there once stood a historic ruiu. a castle,
which had been a stronghold of th«
O'Neils, says the Youth's Companion.
Ona day Lord Dulferln viatt«d It with hla
nnii'iwwiyinitfv'/wivrj"'??;'
steward, Dan Mulligan, and drew line
with his stick round it, telling Mulligan
that he was to build a protecting v.nli on
that line. And then he went to India,
feeling secure as to the preservation of
the great historic building.
When he returned to lrciand be has-
tened to visit the castle. It was gone,
lie rubbed his eyes and looked again.
Yes, gone It certainly was. leaving not a
trace behind it. He sent for Dan, and
inquired: "Where's the castle "
"The castle, my lord? That old thing?
Sure. I pulled it down to build tho wall
wid."
What Willie Wanted.
An atmosphere of solemn grandeur per-
vaded the church, says the New York
Times. The choristers In their somber
robes had Just finished the "Te Deum."
and the clergyman in reverent tones wan
intoning the litany. It was the little boy's
first Sunday in church.
"Say, pop." His voice took on the sib-
ilant hiss of a stage whisper.
"Sli-h-h-h!" Came an equally sibilant,
if more cautious, whisper from bis par-
en t.
"But, pop, I want to ask you some-
thing, pop "
"Willie, remember where—-"
"But, pop. what "
"Willie, if you "
"Pop, I only want "
"I'll take you right "
"But, pop."
There was a hasty gathering of hats
and coats, and as the pair wended their
way down the aisle a shrill voice was
heard exclaiming:
"Boo-hoo-hoo! I only wanted to ask
you what was the feminine gender of
hymnal!"
4 ±
The "Innocent" Senator and the
Wicked Cabby.
(From Everybody's.)
"He reminds me of Smith and his bad
five-dollar bill," said Senator La Follette,
in speaking of a corrupt politician who
had come to grief. "Smith went to New
York for the Hudson-Fulton celebration.
He hud in his pocket a bad five-dollar
note. One night after a banquet he hand-
ed a cab driver this bad note by mistake.
The driver gave him his exchange—a
one-dollar bill—and whipped up his horse.
Suddenly Smith realized what he had
done."
" 'Hey, there! Stop' he shouted after
the man. 'That bill's bad.'
" 'It's good enough for you!' shouted
back the driver, without stopping.
"And Smith, examining his change un-
der a street light, found that it, too, was
bad."
♦ ♦♦
The Point of View.
(From Everybody's.
William had just returned from college,
resplendent In peg-top trousers, silk
hosiery, a fancy waistcoat and a neckti-j
that spoke for itself. He entered the
library where his father was reading.
The old gentleman looked up and_ sur-
veyed his son. The longer he iookeu, tno
more disgusted he became.
"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look
like a d fool!"
Later, the old major who lived next
door came in and greeted the hoy heartily.
"William," he said, with undisguised ad-
miration, "you look exactly like your
father did twenty years ago when he
came back from school!"
"Yes," replied William, with a smile,
"so father was just telling me."
♦ *■
What the Doctor Bid.
(From the Denver Post.)
Gustave Ullyatt has a little daug
who hasn't been well r< < ently. Tho
day a physician was • illed to the I'll
home to seo her. Jic c iiuined the 1
with the aid of a s'. <.scope. When
father came home i: -n evening lie a
what the doctor had s.iid.
"Nothin'." replied the little gii i
"What did he do?" asked Mr. I.'llya
"He Just telephoned me all over,"
tha child's reply.
liter
ther
yatt
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The Houston Post. (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 25TH YEAR, Ed. 1 Sunday, January 30, 1910, newspaper, January 30, 1910; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth443232/m1/53/: accessed July 17, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Abilene Library Consortium.