The San Antonio Light (San Antonio, Tex.), Ed. 1 Sunday, January 1, 1922 Page: 3 of 36
This newspaper is part of the collection entitled: San Antonio Light and was provided to The Portal to Texas History by the UNT Libraries.
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The Newspaper Jokers
Angry Wife—Ara all man fools? Hus-
band—No dear. Soma are bachelors.
—Weekly Telegraph.
“They have a new phonograph. 411
right. Let's efay away until tbe nov-
elty baa worn off."—Detroit Free Frees.
“Why don't you alee that poor beg-
gar a dime?" "He”a one of my de-
positors” said tbe banker briefly.—Bir-
mingham Age-Herald.
"What Ie your eon doing since be got
through college?" "Acting as an usbtr
at weddings. That’s about all."—Louis-
rille Courier-Journal.
A writer says ehop euey Is not what
It used to be. He will now confer a
great favor by telling us what It used to
be.—New Tork Morning Telegraph.
“Why did ho aoak your’ “I said bis
brother looked like a sap." "That ain't
no reason." "No but they’re twin
brothers.” —Washington Sun Dodger.
Judge—Did yon steal those hogs?
Rastns—No sub. I nevah stole no
bawgs jedge yo’ boaor. Judge—Have
you money to biro a lawyer to defend
you? Rastus —No sub I ain't got no
money ledge; but I kin give him one
o* de bawgs.—Richmond Tlmes-Dir-
pateb.
Mistress—When I engaged you Su-
san you told mo that you bad no nun
friends. Now almost svery time I
come Into the kitchen I find a mao
there. Susan—Bless you mum be
ain’t no friend of mine! Mistress'
Then who is be? Susan—My busband.
—Boston Transcript.
“WUHe!" “Tas mamma.” “What tn
the world are you pinching tbe baby
for? Let him alone I” “Aw I sin t
doin' nothin’! We're only playin' au-
tomobile an’ he's th’ horn.”—Louisville
Courier-Journal.
Mother (visiting eon's room)—Son
what’s that bottle In your closet? Son -
Why—er—that's hsir toaie. Mother--
That's funny. Tour fatbsr uses the
earns thing and he has been bald for
30 years.—Tale Record.
“That man baa dined In this restau-
rant every day for over a year and has
never failed to fold up his napkin each
lime when be io through sating" sail
tbe waiter in a downtown restaurant.
“Still he knows that as soon as be
leaves I throw the napkia into the
laundry. Ho lust wastes bls energy.''
“Wbo is tbe men?" “His name Ie John
eon. He's aa efficiency expert.”—New
Tork Sun.
Buller —Tbe owner of tbe ball that
broke the window sir is here and wants
to pay for the damage. Mr. Bill Horn
er—Oh tell ths boy it won't cost him
SUNDAY.
1
anything. I used to play ball myself.
Butler—But it’s a man sir and it wit
a golf ball. Mr. Bill Homer—A man?
A golf ball? Tell him fifteen dollars.
—Boston Gobs.
“So you desire to become my aoa-in-
law?” “No. I don't. But if I marry
your daughter sir I don't very well see
how I can get out of IL”—Weekly Tele-
graph.
“Why don't you tell people that you
are a good mechanic?" “And have my
neighbors forever wanting ma to come
over and tinker with their cars? I
guess not."—Detroit Free frees.
Jones was operated on for appen-
dicitis yesterday and after it was all
over tbe surgeon discovered that be had
left one of bis scalpels inside Jones be-
fore bs sewed him np.” “That was
tough. Did they have To open him up
again?” "Oh yes. Jones insisted upon
it. He was afraid he might be arrested
for carrying concealed weapons.”—New
Tork Bun.
V O ?^ o Mie
“ ld h e ® w farmer. “I
know fellers that haint got a dollar
»ho “ n he jest aa idle aa anybody.”
—Boston Transcript.
cook used to work for a revenue of-
ficer.—Stanford Chaparral.
“Tou can't go to your office In that
old coat I W bat would your chief
think?” “Oli that's all rig L-he ate.
Is married. —Stockholm BtrU.
“1 thiß . l ‘' JU Übe one of tbe
children to tbe park with me. Which
one do you think would go best with
this dress F—London Mail.
‘’t" * nen o •* <»»t Jou
ta® ll / looked
“P] *2™° * n have it looked up
end L>(>oo to have it hushed up."—Bos-
ton Transcript
“Lest evening sir. I distinctly saw
my daughter sitting in your lap Wbst
explanation have you to maker -J
got bera eaito air; before tbe others.''
—Carolina par Baby.
' 1 ? x Snortsworthy
'f ln * ta feel tbs public
pube. la there anything wrong with
the public i uteeF “Decidedly. It beats
fatter every time a auccesaor to Benstor
Hnortswortifc is mentioned."—Blrmlne-
bam Agi-Hlrald.
"I dare In to come back!” bawl
the wrstbyl pedestrian. "Can't do
now." MiiKhe motorist “(Jot an I
portant efAgcment to keep. But
amund n« this time tomorrow a
I’ll lake aM:her chance at you. Juat
show you I’m a good sport So long.”
—Birmingham Age-Herald.
“Tou objected to Jaek because he had
to work for a living—didn't you mam-
ma F "Yes my dear He doesn’t £
long to our class.' Well Its all right
now. May he cell tonightF "Has some
one left him a fortune?” “No but lies
lost his situation."—Edinburgh Scots-
man.
“How do you like being a soda water
clerk?” “Now that I're tried It.” said
the ex-bartender. “I rather like It.
"But the old atmosphere is gone. les
but there are compensations. When a
man has had a soft drink he never says
•George. Hates to this one.’"—Birming-
ham Age-Herald.
“If members of congress were el^^ 1
for life do you suppose they would do
better work?" “I doubt it” Mid Mr.
Gnimpon. "Eren as things are now.
after a man baa served a term or two
In congress he begins to look on hie con
etituenfs as a sort of necessary evil.
—Birmingham Age-Herald.
Willing to Retire.
A prosy preacher was giving sn end-
less discourse on tbe prophets. First be
dwelt at length on the minor prophets.
At last he finished them and the con-
grrgarion gave a high of relief. He took
a long breath and continued:
“Now 1 shall proceed to the major
Pr After the major prophets had been
amply treated the congregation gave
another sigh of relief.
"Now that I have finished with tbe
minor prophets and the major prophet
what about Jeremiah? W bera is Jere-
miah's placeF
At this point a tall man arose and
announce'!: .
“Jeremiah can have my place; I am
going home.”
Tbe Lesser Evil.
“Most public utterances" remarked a
well-known speaker “bore both tbe au
dtiPro and the apeechmaker and about
tonally. I always feel glad when call’d
Upon to speak however for I often find
myself in the position of an amateur
actor of my acquaintance.
“He was in all the theatricals going
in his small town. He played all sorts
of parts. I asked him one day If ne
did not get tired of appearing in every
private theatrical performance.
“'Yes. awfully tired.’ he replied ‘for
I don't like to act a bit. But 1 know it
I am not on tbe stage I shall have U
sit io the audience.’'
What He Wasted.
The big missionary meeting was over.
There remained behind a little boy wbo
had insisted on seeing one of tbe speak
era wbo had come from a far land. At
length the wish was granted. “Ab. my
little led." said the clergyman as he
patted tbe boy's head “do you wish
to rive a donation to thia noble fundr
~W?1I. n-no. sir” replied tbe boy I
really wanted to know if you had any
foreign stamps.”
THE SAN ANTONTO LIGHT.
The Once Over
It there is to be an All-Ameriewn
oyster-opening team Bill Ixtwney should
be put in as one of the enda Bill got
on to the front page of the newspapers
recently through bis announcement that
ho would like to meet any and all oys-
ter openers.
Bill isn't interested in meeting them
socially; it'a tbe national oyster-open-
ing championship that be is alter. One
I undred oysters in 3 minutes and 3 3-i
secouds is Bill's record. And he could
do better than that if the referee would
allow time out for skidding.
Just what tbe world record for oys-
ter opening Is does not appear in Spald-
ing’s Guide. It is understood however
that there are many oyster openers wbo
lay claim to a higher shucking rate than
bill Lowney and an open tournament
of oyster openers singles and doubles
is likely in tbe near future.
There is more to thio oyster shuck-
ing feat than laymen realize. It is
to the inexperienced just as much of
a trick to open an oyster as to open
a safe or a poker hand.
To begin with the oyster is always
against you.
It never wants to be opened and will
resist to the death.
Some oyaters resist more than others.
An oyster oi>encr gets to know the
oruery cusses on sight and treats them
accordingly. Tbe first thing to do with
a vicious and unduly obstinate oyster
Is to throw it upon its back using any
authorised hold.
Of course a man does look darn silly
wrestling around witli an oyster es-
pecially it the oyster is no slouch at the
wrestling game. And most oreters have
a way of slipping out of holds that is
most discouraging.
The next thing to do i« to bring it
i complete <tibmlasion. This may be
accomplished by squirting tabasco sauce
in Its byes and Mrs or by standing
upon It Kith one foot on each hip. Yes
an oyaAr baa kips and if you bare
never nAticed them It is because you
have n*er locked for them.
When \th« oyster bas been subdued
(hrnotisA may be need to make it do
die in smv cases) it may be opened
with a can opener nut cracker chisel
knife or tine fuse.
Borne p«>ple have been known to try
to open oymt»r« with a beer opener but
the idea M absurd.
op*ner «n odd M>rt
ed an oyster knife.
Whit ala^cou'.d it ba called in fact?
Resoloed!
By H. L PHILLIPS.
:an oyster open/r
This knife is inserted between the upper
and lower crust of the oyster just di-
rectly opposite the hinges and at a
point where the clasp would be if oyster
shells were equipped with clasps. Aud
they certainly should be so equipped.
With a quick twist of the wrist the
oyster may be opened Much more dif-
ficult than opening an oyster however.
Is the task of closing one again. Few
people bare ever been able to do it Con-
sequently people with sense don't try.
They just throw away the shell drop
the oyster into a bucket and ship the
bucket to a city restaurant where
shrewd merchandisers will serve the oys-
ters on shells especially retained fo-
the purpose and charge customers 3C
cents per half dozen.
Apologizing to Illa Honor.
In a civil suit being tried In an Town
court the judge decided a contested
point against a young lawyer where-
upon the latter lost his head.
“Your honor.” he said in a tremblinz
voiee. facing the court. "I am atnaaed! ’
Instantly the young lawyer's part-
ner who happened to be in the cour'-
roora. sprang tn his feet.
“Your honor.” he interposed. "I want
to apologise for the hasty remark of ni»
young partner. By the time he is as old
as 1 am be will not be amazed by any-
thing your honor does.'*
The teacher had been talking about a
hen sitting on eggs and. with the incuba
tor in mind asked if eggs could be
batched in any other way.
“Yea sir.” said an experienced person
of niae. “Put ’em under a duck”
A diacuaaion oace arose between a
wealthy New Y'orker and a Brill* I
sportsman as to the relative efficiency
of the noise American newsboy and bis
stolid English cousin. “I’ll bet yon
even money.” said tbe American “that
my newsy can go to England and out-
sell your boy on his own corner.'
''Taken.” answered the confident Brit
isher. Ten days later little Danny
O'Brien received his armful of papers
and began to get busy on a evowdr I
Istndon corner. Twenty feet away wgj
Wally Stackhouse the entry of the Bnt
ish sportsman. Tbe two gumbiers stood
aemss tbe street. In two minutes r
milling crowd was fighting to buy front
Danny while Wally stood alone on tbe
outskirts. "My word!” exclaimerd tbe
Britisher. “What's the secret of this?”
They strolled across the street to sec.
' Big social affair at tbe palace!” cri«d
Wally. "Bead about it! Big social
affair!" A more sensational call w
from Danny. "Big surgical operation
on tbe king!” be yelled raucously.
Bead about ill” "Here! Here!” in-
The Other Way.
The Best Seller.
terrupted tbe excited Britisher. “There's
no sueb news as that!” "Watcher yeu
talkin’ abont you big mutt?” flashed
Danny. "Don't you see the big bend
lines. 'King's Fete Comes Off To-
night' F
A leaky Theory.
Some one was talking to a Chicago
detective concerning the ways of crimi-
nals. when be asked:
"Do you subscribe to the theory that
tbe criminal always returns to tbe scene
of the crime?”
“Not always.” said the detective.
"%>metimes the extradition papers
won't bold.”
Frank!
Two neighbors were ehatting over
the fence when Mrs. 8. smiling passel
The Management and Personnel of
San Antonio's Oldest Furniture House
** mb FuuriMsh&rs
IT y r emo&s
Karsotkins
316-320 WEST COMMERCE STREET
Thank all their friends for their patronage
and good wishes and wish for them
one and all
The Happiest Best
& Most Prosperous
A 1922 A
down tbe street. "Pretty woman Mrs.
B.!” remarked one. "Who was sheY'
“I realty have forgottou. Here's her
little boy. I'll ask him. Frank wb->
was your mother before she was mar-
riedT' Frank regarded bis questioner
gravely. "Bhe wasn't my mother before
she was married" he severely replied.
Troubles of His Own.
Tbe tramp shambled after the smart-
ly dressed man carrying a prosperous
looking bag. "(live tie a couple of cop
pers guv-nor.” bq pleaded. ’’Just some
thin' to get some bread. Think wot it is
ter be friendless despise 'ated by
all—” “Shut up you fool!" sakl the
man with the bag. “I'm an income
tax collector.”
JANUARY 1 1921.
The Sad Mam
Senator Oddie of Nevada hails from
Reno where the divorce mills w«k
night and day and be baa been tbe sub-
ject of quite a bit of mild spoofing
from his colleagues on this account.
The senator was in a group listening to
some of these wise observations on bis
borne city and when be had an oppor-
tunity to get into tbe conversation be
remarked: "Well. Reno is the only city
in the world where tbe people go down
to tbe trains to see the tide coma in.’
For a second or two nobody got just
what be meant but about tbe minutu
it was beginning to percolate into th*
minds of his hearers be sdded with •
smile: "And they go down to tbe train*
to see tbe untied go out.”
5-B
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Diehl, Charles S. & Beach, Harrison L. The San Antonio Light (San Antonio, Tex.), Ed. 1 Sunday, January 1, 1922, newspaper, January 1, 1922; San Antonio, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1621331/m1/3/?q=War+of+the+Rebellion.: accessed June 17, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; .