The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 74, No. 22, Ed. 1 Friday, February 27, 1987 Page: 16 of 20
This newspaper is part of the collection entitled: Texas Digital Newspaper Program and was provided to The Portal to Texas History by the Rice University Woodson Research Center.
Extracted Text
The following text was automatically extracted from the image on this page using optical character recognition software:
16 Friday, February 27, 1987 THRESHER Sports
Mr. Owlook wants to know where Roman Gabriel is
Sports surround us. Remember
when you saw Joan Collins on
TV and said you wouldn't mind
taking a bat to her sophisticated
puss (you know, face)? Well,
that's kind of like boxing. What
about rolling the keg down the
stairs to see if the freshmen
living below you could hear it?
Yeah, you got it—split-level
bowling. And what about those
nutty naked guys who get a
running start and then flop onto
three tables pushed together,
sliding on the beer that's been
poured on them, headlong into a
pyramid of cans? Another
OWLOOK
by Jim Humes
testimony to the omnipresence of
sports (hey, that word is almost
as long as mayonnaise).
The vast majority of atheletic
activity takes place either out of
boredom or drunkenness, or in
many cases drunken boredom.
Kegs have long been the favorite
piece of equipment to many
weekend-night athletes. They
can be tossed, beat on in a
rhythmic way, or dressed up to
look like that girl who just
transferred to Sid. Playing dodge-
keg is much more exciting than
playing with a ball because the
stakes are higher. And you can't
forget the keg roll, especially
falling off and breaking your
roomie's collection of porcelain
Elvis figurines.
Another option is to steal a
freshman's mattress and use it to
slide down the stairs. In the vein
of Greco-Roman wrestling, two
guys can sandwich a girl. After
that this girl can also provide
hours of endless entertainment in
the bathroom watersports
festival. And a good game of
Find the Zipper is another co-ed
A COMPANY THAT OFFERS
APPLES AND ORANGES.
Smaller companies offer visibility. Larger
companies offer prestige. Coca-Cola Foods offers the
best of both.
When comparing the pros and cons of potential
employers, the issue of small versus large tends to be
important. Smaller companies give you an opportunity to
be noticed and recognized. Larger companies offer the
challenge of bigger projects and better systems.
But there's a company that provides the best
characteristics of both. We're Coca-Cola Foods, a division
of The Coca-Cola Company. We produce and distribute
fine products with such recognizable brand names as
Minute Maid, Hi-C, Five Alive and Bacardi Tropical
Fruit Mixers.
As a new graduate, Coca-Cola Foods offers you
opportunities at our Headquarters in Houston, Texas'as a
Product Assistant within our Marketing Department. Our
broad range of products and professional development
programs provides the scope and flexibility you need. You'll
gain hands-on exposure to all aspects of marketing
our products as well as responsibility, visibility and
professional experience from the start.
If you are a graduate possessing an MS/MBA
in Marketing, Business or Finance with an innovative
and entrepreneurial spirit, we invite you to explore the
opportunities with a company dedicated to achievement,
productivity and professional growth.
Contact your Placement Office to arrange an
interview with one of our representatives.
PRODUCT ASSISTANT-
PRODUCT MANAGEMENT TEAM
INTERVIEWING
Date: March 9,1987
Place: Contact Placement Office
We are an equal opportunity employer m/l h v
activity that has been reported as
enjoyable. And like soccer
players, a good crotch-grab can
add to the fun.
Starting fires isn't really a
sport, but it's fun to do when
you're drunk. So is breaking
things that you don't own and
yelling obscenities at people at
bus stops. What the heck, why
not skank some while you're at
it? In fact, why don't you get
some girls' panties in a wad by
tweaking her butt even though
you know she's in the Crusade.
And hey! We gotta boot.
Bootin's cool. A good yak at the
end of night gives you a feeling
of finality and accomplishment.
But be creative where you do it
and always allow one person to
witness it so your roomdogs can
high-five you at brunch the next
day and you can tell them what
girl you mugged down on after
you had already heaved.
Sports do surround us, and in
more ways than you think.
Athletic excellence is the goal
of every person who looks at a
picture of Roman Gabriel and
says to himslef "I wants to be
like him." 'Cause deep down
inside each and every one of us is
a little Rene Richards or Mookie
Wilson just waiting to get out.
And until then, these informal
sporting confrontations, under
sometimes unusual conditions,
have to be enough to pump your
nads.
Red ruggers ruck on
rival reactionaries
by Keith Couch
Welcome Glorious Revolu-
tionaries to the first Marxist
exposition of the proletarian
sport of rugby. The valiant
workers of the Glorious People's
Revolutionary Rugby Collective
of Rice University travelled forth
to take on the imperialist reac-
tionary forces of the University
of Houston. Inspired by the
glorious propaganda of Comrade
Professor Jay Robert, Hero of
Socialist Labor, and his flaming
red hair of communism, the
diligent Rice socialists felt
assured of the inevitablility of
their victory through the
materialist dialectic. Following
the teachings of comrades
Molotor and Lenin, the Rice
cadres overcame the bourgeois's
defensive oppressors to gain a
glorious victory for socialist
labor by the score of 8-6.
(Roughly translated, that means
Rice won, 8-6.)
The first blow to capitalist
morale was struck by stalwart
revolutionary Wes "Son of
Lenin" Walter, sweeping across
the steppes like Stalin's tanks
across Hungary's bloody fields.
The second glorious try was
scored by Tres "The Ox of the
Urals" Ward, pride of Kamchatka
Tractor Factory, who sped like a
Zil limousine in the Moscow
V.I.P. lane. Rice's glorious
defense then took over, re-
minding comrades of the valiant
defense of Stalingrad during the
Great Patriotic War.
Other heroic socialistic deeds
were performed by Dave
"Chernobyl" Schafer and Mark
"Yak of Yrkustsk" McArthur,
rallying the masses to greater
levels of production. In the spirit
of glasnost, spectators of both
sexes, as well as those of
undecided gender, were alloweed
of internal exile. The facistic
oppressors managed to score a
futile try late in the contest, but
the ultimate triumph of socialist
labor was assured.
In the second team game, the
glorious Rice Komsomol
comrades gained a further victory.
Bill "Kalishnakov" Jones,
returning from his adivisory post
in Afghanistan, led the comrades
with a heroic try in the name of
the Red Army. Benny "Liberator
of the Peoples" Gilbert followed
up with the final strike, leading
the troops of the fifth column to
a 8-0 victory.
Last weekend, the dedicated
collectivists once again left
begind their plows and tools to
carry forward the banner of
carry forward the banner of
socialistic rugby. The imperialist
drones of the Baylor Strikers
were the latest victims. Rice
gained another victory as the
forwards hammered their foes
relentlessly, while the backs cut
like sickles through wheat. Mark
"Black Sea Surf' Morehouse
carried out the tactical first
strike, scooping the loose ball
from a line out for an excellent
try. Dan "Foxbat" Lynch closed
in on the hapless defenders with
Mig-23 speed, putting in two
tries in the second half for a 12-0
final score. The day was further
brightened by the return from
Siberia of Jim Humes, dissident
fly-half, who worked extremely
well with comrades Ali Koc and
Scott Owen.
The loyal comrades will next
travel to the New Orleans
tournament, braving the material
lures of bourgeois excess during
Mardi Gras. The dedicated Rice
men will, of course, never swerve
from their goal of spreading the
sphere of rugby hegemony.
Ruggers of the world unite.
SPRUNG EREAK
ACAPULCO
A 11 I, I I l ■ ,111(1 Hotel
I'll hided 1 mqhts
$239
Stay where Mi® ffoofttoal team a trad! afthOotos stay! 7 iraJglMt
wMtlh flouuromft nmala $345 Hyaffl $290 2 BR Comdto $279 748-8900
Upcoming Pages
Here’s what’s next.
Search Inside
This issue can be searched. Note: Results may vary based on the legibility of text within the document.
Tools / Downloads
Get a copy of this page or view the extracted text.
Citing and Sharing
Basic information for referencing this web page. We also provide extended guidance on usage rights, references, copying or embedding.
Reference the current page of this Newspaper.
Greene, Spencer. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 74, No. 22, Ed. 1 Friday, February 27, 1987, newspaper, February 27, 1987; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245658/m1/16/: accessed April 28, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.